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July 19, 2020 5:55 pm  #1


Sexless marriage, but he cheats w/males and females

I am new to this forum.   I am in a 14-year marriage (second for both of us) and it has been sexless for years...his choice.  Now I find he seeks out threesomes on Craigslist, sometimes male to male with female observing, sometimes male/male/female.   What does anyone think is going on here?  It is all done in secret, and he doesn't know I know, and I am saying nothing until I decide whether to stay or go.  If he is bi or gay, I am leaving.  If he is straight, I will work on the marriage.  He is all gung-ho about us being married, but shows no physical affection to me at all.  Zero.   Says he has "low sex drive" due to one medication he is on...but then he is "trolling" for extra-marital action.  I was a mess yesterday when I found his email.  Today I am calm, but extremely pissed off.  I am playing it cool until I have more info.

Anyone who has any opinion on this, please, please share.  This is a whole new territory for me.
My first husband, and the father of my two adult children, was completely straight without doubt.

I think I know what you all will say to me, but I am ready to hear it

Thank you all so much.

Jasmin

 

July 19, 2020 8:10 pm  #2


Re: Sexless marriage, but he cheats w/males and females

Jasmin2020 wrote:

 

Welcome to our Forum Jasmin If you know he's searching out 3-somes, including male AND female strangers it's probably a good thing you're not having sex with your husband. 

Check out the First Aid thread on the General Board. 
Well done keeping your cool

Elle
 

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (July 19, 2020 8:11 pm)


KIA KAHA                       
 

July 19, 2020 10:40 pm  #3


Re: Sexless marriage, but he cheats w/males and females

I am fully aware of STD issues, so it probably is a good thing regarding a sexless marriage.  Just reading so many posts, and having some of you reply to me, as been about as enlightening as I could have hoped.  The very fact that my husband is secretive, and seeking sex outside of marriage...heck, instead of inside of marriage, is enough for me to have decided that I am exiting the marriage.   To me, his sexual orientation is totally irrelevant.  My guess is that he is bi, loves the adventure of "swingers", etc., and frankly, it turns my stomach.  That may not be the effect on any of you, but the sneaky, deceptive, lying to my face, ignoring my wants and needs is plenty reason enough to leave. I have confronted him in the past about our sex life, his secrecy, etc. and guess what?  He lied about everything...again..  Gee, surprise, surprise.  Remember that old song:  "I got along without ya, before I met ya, and I'm gonna get along without ya now..."  I will be fine.  Or not.   What I do know is that I will NOT be fine if I stay with him.    And that is all I need to know.

I have decided to quietly move out, little by little, get my financial ducks in a row, win an Academy Award for Best Actress over the next several weeks, and the day I leave will be a day when he is likely to be out of the house for awhile, and I am just going to leave a note wafting in the breeze.  "I have left.  I am not coming back.  You know why.  You just didn't know that I knew.  Don't contact me unless it is through your attorney."

     Thread Starter
 

July 19, 2020 11:07 pm  #4


Re: Sexless marriage, but he cheats w/males and females

Jasmin,

An up vote on your note..  and your plan.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

July 20, 2020 12:49 am  #5


Re: Sexless marriage, but he cheats w/males and females

Jasmin, Divorce was tough for me, but staying in a sexless marriage with my creepy GIDXH was a horror show. Am much happier now.

Good luck and post when you need to.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

July 20, 2020 9:11 am  #6


Re: Sexless marriage, but he cheats w/males and females

longwayhome,
    The btr link was fabulous!  I wish I'd had the 9 point checklist right after my husband dropped his trans bomb, along with the information he'd been "sharing" it all with an ex student.  I managed to find my way through all nine of the items on the checklist, but it took years.  
    The resources page with books is also really good.  Many classics are there: Fjelstad, Bancroft, etc.  

If this info isn't "pinned" somewhere, I hope you can add it the resources page.  

Thank you!
 

 

July 20, 2020 10:17 am  #7


Re: Sexless marriage, but he cheats w/males and females

That we do find our own way through the steps does, I will say, validate the information as useful.  Ad even if it's after the fact for us, our saying that anyone just starting out or needing some support can trust that the steps reflected our experience very accurately might be helpful.  

 And I agree: even though the site is for women, its wisdom is applicable to men as well. 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 20, 2020 10:18 am)

 

July 20, 2020 12:25 pm  #8


Re: Sexless marriage, but he cheats w/males and females

Congratulations Jasmin on knowing where you draw your line in the stand. I'm a firm believer that cheating is cheating, and secrets do not make for great marriages. We're all here anytime you need to talk or just vent.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

July 20, 2020 12:41 pm  #9


Re: Sexless marriage, but he cheats w/males and females

longwayhome wrote:

I do hope the Administrators can post this reference material, including the btr.org site for self care help.

Added to the First-Aid Kit thread at the bottom under Additional Resources.    Maybe someone wants to start a new thread specifically about this resource?

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

July 20, 2020 12:58 pm  #10


Re: Sexless marriage, but he cheats w/males and females

Jasmin2020 wrote:

I am new to this forum. I am in a 14-year marriage (second for both of us) and it has been sexless for years...his choice. Now I find he seeks out threesomes on Craigslist, sometimes male to male with female observing, sometimes male/male/female. What does anyone think is going on here? It is all done in secret, and he doesn't know I know, and I am saying nothing until I decide whether to stay or go. If he is bi or gay, I am leaving. If he is straight, I will work on the marriage. He is all gung-ho about us being married, but shows no physical affection to me at all. Zero. Says he has "low sex drive" due to one medication he is on...but then he is "trolling" for extra-marital action. I was a mess yesterday when I found his email. Today I am calm, but extremely pissed off. I am playing it cool until I have more info.

Anyone who has any opinion on this, please, please share. This is a whole new territory for me.
My first husband, and the father of my two adult children, was completely straight without doubt.

I think I know what you all will say to me, but I am ready to hear it

Thank you all so much.

Jasmin

I will share my opinion with you.  I'm a straight man and I have a ton of second hand knowledge from 3 years on this forum.. so hopefully my opinion will be helpful. 

Your husband is not straight.  He may be bisexual, but I have a theory that he might be closer to gay.. perhaps mainly gay.  

Let's start with facts..  Your husband wants no intimacy with you.  That means one of two things.   1.)  He has zero sex drive or 2.) He isn't attracted to women.  The first we know is not true because if he has no sex drive he wouldn't be posting on craigslist looking for "intimate encounters".   So that means he is not attracted to women. 

So if he's not attracted to women, why is he looking for 3-somes with a women??    My theory is that he won't accept that he is gay.  He's probably been hiding this secret inside of him since he was a teen.  He chose to live the life of a straight man and to completely hide his homosexuality.  He's turned into the world's greatest actor and probably even convinced himself that he is straight..    expect in the back reaches of his mind he still has that nagging attraction to men.   So now he's found a way to explore the homosexuality without calling it that.  He can just say he's a "swinger" or likes 3-somes or orgies or whatever people call this.  As long as there is a female present he can have sex with a man and not have to call it gay sex.  He doesn't have to admit to himself that he is gay.  

I think he's gay.  Straight men don't have sex with other men.  Perhaps some straight men do have group sex, but if so, the interest is with the females and they would be sure NOT to touch another man's junk.  The idea of having sex with another man generally turns our stomach.  Your husband is not straight. 

 

Last edited by phoenix (July 20, 2020 12:59 pm)


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

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