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1 of 1- LostNalone
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finding my place in our MOM
I'm new to this forum, but not new to my situation. My husband danced around the idea that maybe he had some "issues" but convinced me that they were in his past and was experimentation not desire. Fast forward to year 3 of our marriage (my 2nd marriage, his 3rd) we are now reaching retirement and planning our future when he decides that he cannot hide his true feelings any longer. He is not attracted to women and never was, but felt he needed to get married and play the part. He fears being alone and wants stability. That was 4 years ago, we are still together and still struggle. We are now both retired and living in a rural area away from our old friends and family. I accept the fact that he is gay better than he does, he keeps trying to push himself into the closet only for the closet doors to explode and out he comes again. About 3 months ago I set new guidelines. 1. He needs to figure himself out and I can't do it for him. 2. Our marriage is more like a contract with a living arraignment that is rather complicated. 3. Sex is off the table and has been for quite awhile, I'm fine with that, he sometimes tries to weasel his way into my bedroom,but I'm standing firm.
He is 62 years old and has never had a serious gay relationship, just encounters. He has no friends, gay or straight because of being afraid of being found out. This is his big secret, the only one who knows besides me is my daughter because he felt the need to tell her 3 years ago because he feels the younger generation better understands, she is 28. He also enjoys cross dressing and had an encounter with a trans last week. He dressed up and met up with this person and came home saying I cannot live like this, this is a big mistake, it will mess up my life, my plans, I need to be straight. Lets try to go back to they way things were when we first got together.
I cannot live on a roller coaster. He is my best friend and I will stand by him, but geeeez he needs to figure this out for himself. Personally he is scared and does not want to be alone, ever. Note: he was sexually abused as a child and suffers from low self esteem and anxiety.
I'm comfortable in my shoes and want everyone to be the same way, but some days I feel lost and alone, hence the screen name. I have come to the realization that I cannot fix this and until he is ready to accept who he is it will continue to be a roller coaster. I am not going to allow myself to get sucked into this whilpool. I need to figure out what I need to do for me. I'm ready to get myself back to the happy side of life. I have no desire to leave the marriage. I just need to remove the unhappiness and stress.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: finding my place in our MOM
LostNalone wrote:
I'm new to this forum, but not new to my situation. .....
Welcome to our Forum Lost 
It wasn't til 22 years into my r'ship that I learned of my partners bisexuality. I accepted it as part of our life, stable, adventurous, perfect I thought. Thought he would know the boundaries with me.
When our last child left home it seemed to give him freedom (this is all, of course, hindsight) to start a secret account for his chatting....mostly men but really who knows. He kept it secret so as not to hurt me (!@#$%^).
So while we had talked of our freedom of childless-at-home years...he had other things in mind. But where your husband needs stability and fears being alone my partner would be fine. It's me that needs that stability which I am FOREVER working on...lol
My partner has buried those desires deep, he says, and now expects me to forget and move on. But I can guess a deep sexual fantasy and desire rarely disappears from one's core. Like you we're still together and struggle. Your contract sounds like our life, an arrangement, no sex....while we wait for who makes the first move.
My partner has never, to my knowledge, had anything serious with a man but when the lack of trust changed my mindset to "why be suspicious about a man who has lied to me" that, and the fact we don't have sex means if he did get serious it wouldn't have the same destroying aspect.
I have a core group of family & friends who know my situation because while my partner has no friends he'd ever tell...I know the benefit of not burying something.
Keep reading and posting. Strap in to that roller-coaster...it slows down eventually
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Dutchman
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Re: finding my place in our MOM
He is my best friend and I will stand by him, but geeeez he needs to figure this out for himself.
...
I have come to the realization that I cannot fix this and until he is ready to accept who he is it will continue to be a roller coaster.
My first thought: did he consider finding help, for instance gay affirming therapy? (and agreed to do).
I think it's nessecary for him to accept himself first (like you think too). From what you write it's complicated to him, and as time got by, created a whole bunch of inner troubles he has to cope with.
It could be that if-and-when he finds some resolution within himself about his sexuality, it turns out he'll want to have relations with man outside your marriage. Not saying that must happen, but there is a good chance it turns out that way. I get the impression your stance about your marriage is quite flexible and unorthodox (and sure, not what I personaly would go for, but that's irrelevant) but... have you thought about how you think about this possibility/outcome? Even if that would be okay with you, maybe he'll ultimatly decide to follow another path in his life than your marriage.
But some other (second) thought. His inner problems may run so deep, not only just the sexuality thing. And may be he'll find some improvement (with help and therapy), but it'll never be realy resolved. This might well be a realistic view, whether you (or he) likes it or not. Acceptance of this reality could also be an answer to a way forward together. You've such a remarkable way of dealing with your marriage already.
You cannot change the way he handles things and himself. That's out of your control. But you do have power over what you think about it and how you deal with it. If you decide to realy accept it as is, than you're in control. That is what you can decide, and when you decide, you're no victim.
- LostNalone
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Re: finding my place in our MOM
My first thought: did he consider finding help, for instance gay affirming therapy? (and agreed to do).
I've never heard of gay affirming therapy, We have discussed therapy, but he always seems to side line it. I really think he is just afraid of what he may discover. Would love some suggestions on ways to persuade him that therapy could really help him.
have you thought about how you think about this possibility/outcome?
I believe that finding the perfect mate is truly what he needs. I am his best friend, but he has never known what true love feels like. How sad is that. His love for me is that of a friend, I believe I'm more of a Mother role to him than I ever was a wife. He has such a kind soul and a good heart, but he married me because it was the right thing to do, He knew I was safe and would never hurt him. I would take care of him as he aged and he would not die alone. He truly believed that being gay was wrong and God would punish him. He told me his mother preached that too him when he was a child which makes me believe that she saw the true person many years ago but believed she could scare him straight. I am his third wife and he has never felt true passion for an individual. I have already experienced that in my first marriage (I was widowed at 42) I now know that this marriage will never reach that level no matter what course it takes, but I could never deny him that opportunity. I do believe whatever happens we will always stay friends. He deserves happiness.
Odd as it sounds, I'm good with whatever the outcome is. I could stay married to him forever, but this roller coaster has got to stop it's just making me dizzy, if stopping it means he finds the love of his life and we part ways, then it just means my role in his life was to help him discover happiness and that makes me feel good inside. Trying to convince him otherwise would be wrong.
I believe he would rather live the rest of his life struggling and jumping in and out of the closet and miserable than be alone. Two wives have left him, after learning of his desires and he fears I will do the same. Truth is I'm just fine with the current contractual marriage, I can live like this forever, I can accept it and live as friends under one roof. He walks around the house in boxer shorts and high heels daily, it's just a way of life for me. But when he pushes himself back into the closet, I know what he is hiding, I see it in his attitude and actions. That is an emotional roller coaster for him and for me, that is what I can't deal with and when it happens I just want to walk out that door for good.
Last edited by LostNalone (July 17, 2020 8:48 pm)
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Thread Starter- Dutchman
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Re: finding my place in our MOM
I've never heard of gay affirming therapy, We have discussed therapy, but he always seems to side line it. I really think he is just afraid of what he may discover. Would love some suggestions on ways to persuade him that therapy could really help him.
It's officially called "Gay affirmative psychotherapy".
Because of his religious background it makes sense to search for a christian therapist who practice this. So the self acceptance of his sexuality and his religious beliefs are both understood and acknowledged. (maybe it's this dissonance that is an important reason of his flip-flopping).
It may also be that it feels more secure that he can trust he's not to be forced to "choose sides" in his inner conflict, and this could help him to take the step to actually find counseling.
I don't know if he is (still) religious. It could be beneficial to find a (explicit) gay affirming church. It may take some time to find a place where it 'clicks', but this could also be a way to ease the inner conflict.
Odd as it sounds, I'm good with whatever the outcome is. I could stay married to him forever, but this roller coaster has got to stop its just making me dizzy, if stopping it means he finds the love of his life, and we part ways, then it just means my role in his life was to help him discover happiness and that makes me feel good inside. Trying to convince him otherwise would be wrong.
I got that impression from your post, but needed to make sure. For I don't want you getting hurt by his healing. That won't do as well.
And it could well be that if he can accept his sexuality and feel comfortable with it, that's enough for him and your friendship-marriage arrangement works out fine for the both of you.
We have a dear friend, a gay man who is single, but with a very similar background story as your husband and periodically struggling with psychological damage this has caused him. He has come a long way in accepting himself and handling the conflict with his faith. Not to the extent it's completely resolved, but good enough to overcome most of the damning messages from his youth.
He's a wonderful and kind man. I also wish him to have a loving relation with someone (male). I sometimes suggest this option to him, but pushing him beyond his limits won't do him good. An intimate love relation with a man may be a bridge too far. But for him the loneliness is actually his biggest problem, it would be sufficient to him to have a friend to share everyday life with.