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July 9, 2020 6:12 pm  #11

Re: Question for a straight man

sorry to say this Karis but when you do the simple switch around, which is so common in gaslighting then when he says he feels you are disgusted with him what he means is he feels disgusted with you.

I know my ex could barely contain his disgust when I kissed him as time went by and then he took to complaining to other people that I never kissed him!  So I tried again, omg it was horrible.


July 9, 2020 10:32 pm  #12

Re: Question for a straight man

lily wrote:

........when he says he feels you are disgusted with him what he means is he feels disgusted with you


Omg..!!! in the email he sent me 3 years ago he wrote "I feel I can`t be open with you on this matter because you find it distasteful"  and I thought I've never said those words to him! wtf..!!


KIA KAHA                       

July 10, 2020 7:41 am  #13

Re: Question for a straight man

Karis, how old is the subjecct?  Mine is in his seventies now.  I have told him that anal sex leads to anal cancer - he, of course, doesn't believe me.  Oh well.  That bit of info would scare me but if he is bothered by it he doesn't show any concern to me.  But then there is no way to tell what does and does not bother him because he lies about EVERYTHING.


July 10, 2020 7:58 am  #14

Re: Question for a straight man

Hi Twistinginthewind.
My husband is 47. Im sorry we are all going through this...everyone on this forum.

My husband never french kisses me. We have tried in the past and its the most awkward unnatural thing. In some ways, I wish he did find me disgusting...maybe he does. I dont know. He still wants to have sex w me but it's confusing. He tells me that Im pretty or look nice. I say that I wish he would find me disgusting because Im tired of having emotionless sex, Im tired of being bothered by it. Im tired of worrying about all this stuff. I wish he would just tell me that he is disgusted by me so that I could move on with my life after all these wasted years. I'm miserable.
He woke up in the middle of the night last night and said he was up for two hours. Im a very hard sleeper so I have no idea what happened, but he often wakes up in the middle of the night. I do remember waking up to seeing him turn the fan up higher. He told me this morning that he woke up and went to the bathroom-#2 of course! 
I read all these posts and everything seems so clear to me. When I read posts from other users, I think, why can't they see it, of course he/she is gay! But when I read my own posts, I can't see it, I explain it away.

     Thread Starter

July 10, 2020 9:11 am  #15

Re: Question for a straight man

I am a straight man, and here is my perspective. I was married for 20 years when my GEX came out as gay. When I was married, What I thought was right for intimate relations I justified, rationalized and it became normalized in life. I never had a frank, open discussion with anyone about what was actually going on in their intimate sex life. Porn isn't real, advice columns tend to be soft and broad in their statements and advice, and sex talk is taboo. I absolutely wish we all talked about the intimate side (not just sex) of a relationship because had I talked about it, I would have really questioned earlier in the marriage.
Looking back with a new lens what do I see now?
What do two newlyweds do on a honeymoon, a lot of sex right?  Well we didn't do that!  We hiked and took in the sights.
Sex was always intermittent, never spontaneous and was often planned or spoken about as "lets connect" always from me.
Intimate connection in all ways declined over the years, with the most drastic after our last child was born; makes sense now, the reason for sex on her part was fulfilled.
I can count the times oral sex was either received or performed, the conversation as to why not was around "I just don't like it or I am not good at it or you aren't doing it right" a lot of shaming.
Sex - when it happened, well it was just sex, no build up, foreplay, no excitement, no real fun.
I thought I was the problem, that I was bad at the intimate connection and sex, so to correct it I got really good at sex, read books, watched videos, research, etc to do everything to please my GEX, Eventually I could please my GEX to some degree. Now though I am sure she was thinking of women while having sex.
She would never deep kiss me, or look me in the eyes during sex.
There was never any playful groping or touching or anything like that outside of the bedroom.
I could walk through the house naked and she wouldn't even look up or comment.
She would get annoyed if I even tried to randomly get playful or touch her, or kiss her.
She didn't like contact in the bed at all, it was like a wall was built between us and she would literally hit me in her sleep if I got too close.
If I wanted to "connect" she made up excuses as to being tired or it would get to late like 9pm, etc.
When I mentioned sex, she would make me out to be a nymphomaniac and say "you always want sex and I am sorry I don't keep a calendar of our sex life" when the reality was it had been weeks or months or more since our last encounter. 
I even questioned my attractiveness, sexuality (man enough), self image, what was wrong with me?
Eventually, at the end of it all I was so bad, physically ill, I got everything checked, thinking it was me that was the problem. What happened was that I experienced bad Psychological ED so even if I wanted nothing could happen.
I could go on, but these are just a few examples.
We only argued about the intimate connection and our sexual connection. We were awesome platonic partners, and best friends who sometimes had sex (not good at all).
Like I said I see it all now looking back, but in the relationship I wanted it to work so bad to have that american dream that I made excused, rationalized, justified and was naive to it all.
This is my side of the story, but I am sure it is translatable to some degree. 

To answer you question- I'd ask this question....what do you think about when you have sex (oral or penetration) sex with a man or sex with a woman?  
As a straight man I think about sex with a woman when I am having sex  (oral or penetrative) I am NOT thinking about a man.
A straight man would enjoy oral, I would.
Sex should be fun and lasting and full of excitement, I never had that in my 20 year marriage.
Genital trimming for men is a thing, but a sudden change without talking to you about it is strange, he should be able to tell you why.
Sex should be talked about more, we shouldn't dance around the topic. Again, I know that had there been more conversations around sex, I would have seen things differently earlier.


July 10, 2020 11:23 am  #16

Re: Question for a straight man

Thanks so much for your response. While reading it, I could see myself in your post and feelings. I also felt (feel) like something was wrong with me, because thats what he tells me. He thinks there is something wrong with me because I don't want to have sex all the time, but the reason that I don't is because it's not good. I don't feel like it has anything to do with me and how he feels about me. it's about the act of getting off and not much else.

One thing that you said that really stuck out to me, was the lack of spontaneous sex. We never have spontaneous sex unless I initiate it. Otherwise it's always at night, right before bed. My husband and I are also awesome platonic partners, which I guess is what makes this entire scenario so confusing and crazy making. We do love these people. They are our best friends and we don't want to believe that they could be lying to us. Part of us doesn't want to end this relationship because there are moments of complete happiness but there is always something lacking/something missing....it's never 100%. I don't say that to imply that any marriage is completely perfect but even in times of extreme happiness with my husband, I felt something missing, something not right.

To answer the question that you asked...I honestly feel like being married to my spouse probably has messed me up a bit sexually. I feel guarded, and a bit scared/afraid-not because he has ever intentionally hurt me-he hasn't and wouldn't but I feel like my body knows that something isn't right and it tries to protect me. I have to really concentrate on the sensations and what is happening. I do think about him-he's really handsome but I also think about men who I've had an emotional connection with.

All I really want is someone who is amazed with me, who feels lucky to be with me. That when I touch him in a sexual way he feels like he's going to explode. I don't want to feel like I have to worship someone to get them turned on, or that nothing I ever try works and that in the end, all he wants is for me to lay on my back and let him finish. I have had sex with him so many times because I felt like it was my duty as his wife. I have chronic UTIs from having sex with little to no wetness. There are times where I feel like my body was telling me that he was raping me. Was he technically raping me? No, because I consented to it even though I didn't want to. Does it feel like rape? Yes, sometimes. How could it not when there is no emotional connection behind it?

Im sorry. I kind of went off course with my thinking. Anyway, I really appreciate your post. Thank you for writing. I agree that sex should be talked about more and shouldn't be taboo. How else do you know what is normal? I was a virgin when we married so I have 0 point of reference with how things are supposed to be, other than make out sessions that I had with boyfriends before my husband. I have some resentment against the church and my upbringing for placing such a strong emphasis on women to be virgins when they marry.

Not to make this post even longer than it already is, but thanks to the advice of another poster on here, I created a list of reasons, as to why I believe my husband is gay, so that when I doubt myself, I can look at the list.
I thought I would post the list here:
1. Lack of empathy/emotional connection
2. No sexual touching throughout the day-throughout our marriage
3. Close relationship with gay men-mainly texting but occasional phone calls
4. Long emails sent back and forth between at least 2 gay men
5. Close relationship with 2 men from college-they seem to have emotional connection
6. A present (book) sent in the mail from one gay friend
7. Postcard addressed to him from another gay friend
8. Lack of intimacy during sex
9. Not interested in oral sex
10. Not interested in vagina until recently or unless it was just to get me lubricated
11. No sexual desire/passion
12. Sex only at night-eyes closed-head in pillow
13. Lack of hand holding, admiring touches, arm around me-never PDA
14. Never checks out other women
15. Treats me like a little sister or friend
16. Interest in homosexuality and the church-constantly debating issues
17. Pushing away my advances-pool, car, hugging, all the time
18. We do not undress in front of each other and that doesn’t seem to bother him-ever-he doesn’t complain about not being able to see me undress
19. Gaslighting
20.One gay friend has spent the night at our house on a couple of occasions while passing through town
21.  He is a pastor and would kiss me (a peck on the cheek) at the beginning of services-which I felt like was all for show-and really makes me angry now
22. Constant irritability/anger
23. Sudden outbursts
24. Loves Shoes/Decorating
25. Saying things like “that’s a good looking man”
26. No french kissing
27.Something off
28. My intuition tells me
29. His anger/inner struggle
30. Gay jokes/situations in college/seminary
31. Doesn’t tell me he loves me during the day-maybe not even at night.
32. No spontaneous sex

#33  is an excerpt from a post that Sean posted "A gay ex-husband answers your questions"and to me, these things described my husband perfectly

33. So while I pretended to be the best father, husband, and upstanding member of the community, it was nothing but an act.I was always calculating. Everything I said or did was to appear perfect, keep my wife as a beard, and stay in the closet. I would constantly try to win the approval and appreciation of people who meant little to me, while sadly neglecting my family. I was like an approval junkie, constantly seeking a new high.  

34. Completely a controlling narcissist
35. Manscaping-shaving scrotum
36. At times seems to have a split personality
37. Overly concerned about appearances and how others perceive him
38. When he sees things like my cleavage or breasts, he will say something like “that’s cute” or “that’s pretty”
39. Always walks in front of me, never seems to be concerned for me or my welfare

Thanks everyone for reading such a long post.

Last edited by Karis (July 10, 2020 11:28 am)

     Thread Starter

July 10, 2020 10:20 pm  #17

Re: Question for a straight man

The percentage of men that do some manscaping is pretty high these days. Cosmopolitan magazine says 69% of men do some maintenance in the nether region. I honestly don’t think it necessarily says anything in particula in and of itself. 

As far as oral sex... I’ve never heard of a guy saying it’s too demeaning for the women. If he can’t climax with just oral, he can masterbate while oral is also performed. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Last edited by TangledOil (July 10, 2020 10:23 pm)


July 11, 2020 1:20 am  #18

Re: Question for a straight man

Karis, I can’t believe how much our stories are similar. I make those lists too.
My husband was always perfectly manscaped even though we rarely had sex. He was always in the bathroom, he said he has Irritable Bowel Syndrome but I doubt it. Probably from all the gay sex he was having. Always, always in the bathroom on the toilet. I found a douche of his and he said that was for his prostrate, I have found vaseline that he said is for his prostrate, also Cialis he takes daily but again, for that prostrate. You’d think taking Cialis daily would make you interested in your wife but nope. Now he is using ‘Dude Wipes’ for men out in the wild. He also says he has low testosterone if I ask him why he doesn’t have a sex drive. This isn’t true because he did his blood work and it was all just fine. All lies and excuses.
We never had spontaneous sex either. Never after work, never in the morning, he was never aroused seeing me naked and it always seemed like he picked fights with me so that he could storm off to another bedroom and not be intimate. I also understand now why he didn’t want to have sex sometimes. Because he wanted to save himself for the parking lots and hook ups. I found nude photos of himself and he said that he didn’t send them to anyone, he was just fooling around. He goes to nude beaches, he goes to parking lots that are known for gay hookups. I put a GPS tracker on his vehicle and found out within hours that he was lying about his whereabouts. He was going daily, and often twice a day, to different parks and parking lots.
I left him, just 6 weeks ago. He doesn’t know I know all about his secret life. I couldn’t confront him while I was still in the house, too scared of his reaction.
He has been telling me for a while now that the problem with our marriage is that I’m too proud, and he called me a snob, a prude and many other worse things. Oh yeah, that I’m shallow and not authentic and that he doesn’t trust me. All of these things are exactly what he is!
I know it’s horrible but you need a plan to get out of this relationship. You don’t deserve this and the others are right, time is of the essence and you only have one life to live.
I wasted 5 years on this man. While I’m devastated and angry I am actually really looking forward to a life that is free of drama, violence, instability and lack of love and affection. He is smoking pot all the time now, since they legalized it here. He denied me of so many things, a normal sex life and a loving, healthy partnership. He actually said to me once that ‘you didn’t sign up for this’. He would never disclose his behaviour so that comment was referring to the verbal and emotional abuse he put me through. He has also mentioned that I deserve to be adored and worshipped like the queen I am. And that I should be someone’s everything.
Strange to say those things to your wife and not follow through.
So why did you get married and profess to be a Christian, heterosexual man???
Anyways, I hope you can see that there is a way out. You do not have to tolerate a miserable, unfulfilling marriage with a person that lies, cheats and abuses you. Please gather your support and strength and find a way out as soon as you can.
All the best and please keep us posted


July 11, 2020 5:28 pm  #19

Re: Question for a straight man


My list was similar.

He does not want to come out & unfortunately you can't make him.

Sorry to say the onus falls on you to take action (separate) or remain.

I wanted out of my marriage very badly and am ecstatic I divorced him. My life is much more enjoyable without him. The divorce opened up all the pain and suffering I had stuffed down during 20 years of a sham marriage. 

Four years later,  I still have moments of pain and heartache. I live with that and joy at the same time. 

I hope that you make the decision which works out best for you and your kids. Don't let your husband dictate that decision for one second.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

July 13, 2020 11:21 am  #20

Re: Question for a straight man

Thank you everyone for your responses. Simpatica, it does seem as if our stories are similar. I feel so lost and confused. One second, Im positive that he's not gay and the next Im positive that he is. Thank you to everyone for your encouragement and messages of love.

My husband has a close male friend that he's had since college. They talk and text regularly. He is married with kids and they live about 3 hours away from us. When we are in their town, my husband always wants us to try to meet up with them somewhere...like at their house or a coffee shop or something. My husband's friend, M, has recently been in the hospital for a heart condition. It does seem somewhat serious but he is at home now and he has still been posting on Facebook etc. He face-timed my husband from the hospital and they have been talking regularly on the phone, each time for about 30-40 min. My husband doesn't ever talk to me that long on the phone. M was worried about his health condition and my husband said he needed to call him right away. He had told my husband that he needed a heart transplant and my husband panicked.

Later I found out that it wasn't an actual Dr. who had said that, but just that M had been googling his condition online, and saw that in a lot of cases his condition eventually requires a transplant. So it's serious in a way but also not yet. Anyway I overheard my husband talking to him on the phone and he said, "I love you, lots of people love you." Then he told him that when he (my husband) wakes up in the middle of the night, he thinks of him and immediately prays for him.

Am I crazy??? Does that sound gay or is my husband just being a really good friend? I honestly don't know. Please help.

     Thread Starter

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