I'm so sorry, ThisToo. Reading your post, I can feel the pain resonating in your words.

I'm going to try and be brief here. Sometimes the best way to see things is to examine the pieces instead of the whole. Especially when the whole seems overwhelming.

" He was attracted to men, and he couldn't be 100% committed to me without exploring that side of himself.  All I remember doing is falling back under the covers and sobbing"

This board hears this a lot. Every time I see it I reflect on one thing - I can be attracted to someone that isn't him as well. Does this mean I need to explore that attraction or not feel complete? Men are unique. Taken as individuals, they aren't the same. They don't talk the same, have the same personalities, have sex the same. Would this be a legitimate statement to make in supporting you telling him why you need to "explore" the side of yourself that is attracted to a man that's not him?

"I've uncovered lies and half truths, found out about an almost-physical affair with a woman, and his emotional entanglement with a man."

There's no reason for lies - except to manipulate the situation and you. Lying is stealing. Stealing your autonomy. Stealing your choice. Stealing your reality. What greater fraud is there than stealing years of someone's life? Years they will never recover.

he says "I didn't have a choice."

The statement "I had to lie" is never true. There are other choices which were evaluated but found too costly. That is the truth of "I had to lie".

"he brought the paperwork home, saying he wanted to do it without lawyers, be amicable."

Please, don't do this. Protect yourself with an attorney. He has already demonstrated to you that he feels justified in lying. He feels justified in going outside the marriage. He feels entitled to fulfill his wants at your expense. Protect yourself (and any children you might have) with an attorney.

"At what point did you or your LGBTQ spouse just call it quits?"

As soon as I could see that he had robbed me of my autonomy via his selfishness and entitlement. I'm given X amount of years on this planet, and he has no right to unilaterally lay waste to those years in any way he sees fit in order to satisfy himself.

Yes, this is all very exhausting. It's going to continue to be. Look after yourself as best you can. Make sure you eat, sleep, and do what you need to do for you. I would encourage you to stop trying to identify with his "struggling with all of this. I know he's confused and hurting." When you focus on him, you fall to the wayside, and he sounds like he's focusing on himself enough for the both of you.

Take care of you, ThisToo. Be kind to yourself.

ThisTooShallPass wrote:

... which makes me wonder if he was just relieved he was attracted to a woman, because then he could be straight??   

Yes, I think that's how it was for my ex.  

I ended up concluding that the confusion I was in was not due to his confusion, it was deliberately created by him.  

you know how when you take a knock you might not even see much at first, maybe a red mark but two three days later you can see the bruise.  That's sort of where you are now - 3 months is just enough time to see the bruise as well as feel it.  So you can recognise, from here it is a process of recovery, it will take some time but you will feel better again.

Just take the step you can see to take in front of you, whatever it is, (my first step was to take an afternoon nap!) that's all you need to do, one step at a time, look after yourself first and your children will get the best protection.  

wishing you all the best, Lily





 

My admittedly cynical theory is that when a spouse comes out, wants out of the marriage and then backs off it's because s/he has figured out the cost. For her a subsidized lifestyle perhaps. For him having to pay a settlement and alimony and child support. If s/he has consulted an attorney then certainly any actions going forward are going to be based on knowledge of realities.

That's why it is vital to know your rights and have the ability to make decisions which protect yourself. Four children are expensive and he can't wiggle out of that financial responsibility. Know your family finances and don't get sucked into the whirlpool of his life. He hasn't just thrown in the towel: he's thrown away the oar.

I'm so, so sorry for what you're being put through.  It's especially cruel during a pandemic.

Lily used an excellent analogy -- it's like a bruise that takes a little time to make itself visible.  Please don't let yourself be talked into  a DIY divorce, though.  This is not a time when you're able to dispassionately view and evaluate your best course of action.  Typically, that option might be appropriate for very young couples with no children, but with children involved there are a lot of legal issues you might not be aware of.  

walkbymyself--and others--I made it clear to him, I am not doing a DIY divorce.  I told him I will try for amicable, and I want to keep it out of court too, but like you said, there's a lot to consider with kids, and I plan to move out of state with them, we own our marriage home in another state...I want it all done correctly.  

Phoenix, thank you for your insight.   I know in my head that you're right, and I've been sitting in denial.  He wouldn't have "voluntarily" disclosed, if he didn't want it.  The above analogy about the bruise is good.  I actually told my sister this week, it's like I'm finally starting to come out of the fog, but the fog is still there behind me, and I'm only just starting to see what's back there.  

You said you were sticking your head in the sand, and I think that's what I did.  I think I made excuses or justified each little thing in our marriage, because on their own each of those things really was something any marriage could face, so I figured we'd "get through it" eventually.  I just never realized (or refused to acknowledge?) there were too many little things that added up to the marriage being off these last few years.  

I think now I've reached the point where it's not about being "in love" and "losing" him, because he's made it really hard these last few months to love him.  I think it's more about losing my identity and the security I've always had.  We married young, and I've never been on my own.  I'm scared of being a single mother.  I'm scared of what this is going to do to my kids.  I'm scared of the stigma of being the ex-wife of a gay man.  I'm scared of being seen as a failure.  I want all this over as fast as possible, but I am so scared to start over.