"OOHC" wrote:

I personally cannot conceive of any marriage between two partners who are not of the same sexuality being anything but a fundamentally unsatisfying and deeply unsatisfactory accommodation.  Subjecting myself to having sex with someone who finds my sexed body distasteful at best and repulsive at worst does not appeal to me in the least, nor goes requiring my spouse to subject him/herself to it.  You clearly are willing to make the accommodation, as well as to subject yourself to and require of your wife the sexual obligation. 

I don't know if you actually realize how degrading you express yourself towards me and my wife. And I certainly don't understand where you think you get your authority from to judge us the way you do. But like I responded to you before, maybe you don't read or understand my writings very well.

I acknowledge your hurt and what happened in your life, and understand the cynicism and rejection that followed. And maybe... if I were in your shoes, I would feel the same. And it's terrible reading about some of the stories here and the damage done to people. Please don't forget I was very near that same cliff. I remember very well what I felt at the time. For me it's like coming to the edge of the abyss, but life took a turn before falling over. 

What I and my wife describe aren't about some cheap and simple Hollywood scripts. It's about our very real life we've gone through. Including the troubles and deceptions. And yeah, the sex was far from ideal at the time, you're so right. Thanks for pointing that out, lest someone would have missed that part. I don't recall I've claimed or stated something different however.

But much more important: you seem to miss out completely our deeper motivation in it all, why we did what we did.

Whirligig wrote:

........Most of us don't post in the MOM board out of respect for how it was set-up .......

I was disappointed that the MOM board was set out and titled the way it was but after asking for it...knowing there were members who disagreed with it....I didn't feel I should rock any more boats and tip any more people into the water. It was, it seemed to me, compared to and modelled on the Yahoo groups...
 This is not how I envisaged it and I'm so sorry for initiating it. I wanted a space for decision-making for  STRAIGHTSPOUSES still stuck in their r'ship, who found themselves in a straightspouse quandary and needing to talk with OTHER STRAIGHTSPOUSES. Not one that had any LGBTQ influence. Once again I apologise

Elle
 

When I first discovered my husband's secret, I couldn't have imagined divorcing him, and I did read and post in the MOM section.  A few things happened along the way -- I realized I'd only discovered the tip of the iceberg, and it all started to sink in.

I don't post in that section because I'm not in a position to offer support.  But, I think it's valuable for others.

I will point this much out: there are many people who stay in a MOM because that's their only viable option.  For example, a wife who depends on her husband's employer-based insurance, is diagnosed with cervical cancer.  It's true that she's going to stay in a MOM, but it's pretty clear this is not anybody's description of a "successful marriage".  There are people struggling to recover from bankruptcy.  We've had people post here who are immigrants, have limited English skills, and their status depends on remaining in the MOM.  Their reasons for staying in the marriage are nuanced and complex, and of course all of us appreciate the pain divorce can unleash.  

If I'd been bombarded with doomsday scenarios in my early days, it wouldn't have worked on me -- I would have left.  So having the MOM forum available was a way to me to get my bearings a little bit, and it made it easier for me to view my own situation more objectively.  

I agree -- I am very skeptical that these marriages can ever be truly fulfilling; most of the time they're viewed as the least bad option.  I know some forum participants don't want to hear "the negativity" as they often put it, but if you gave me a polygraph and asked my true opinion, I'd have to say that a marriage that was a result of fraud, and that is being endured because the alternative seems worse ... is not going to work out in the long run.  

BTW.. my apologies to all for my limited access.  My new job doesn't give me the free-time to be as active on the forum as I was before.  Also, I just got married last month and we've been incredibly busy trying to prepare one home for more people and prepare the other home for sale.  Covid has also caused some changes in life..   I hope to be more active in the future.