Hi sad mom,

I'm sorry you're going through this.  When going through such change and loss, we often bargain with ourselves, trying to understand what happened and why.  So we put ourselves in the mix - what if I said this instead of that?  What if I'd been more/less sensitive, or stood up for myself more or supported him more?  I'm sure you've heard of people who have a loved one (especially a child) die, and they start to obsess that if they'd just taken the time to insist upon a kiss goodbye, then the child wouldn't have been at that intersection with their car when the drunk driver hit them, and that kiss would have saved their life.  It's not productive - it puts us in the position of being responsible for the workings of the universe - for time, for others' reactions, for the outcome of everything.  And it's pointless - because even if we COULD have changed things by doing something different, we didn't.  We might have if we'd have known, but we didn't.  We did the best we could, and in the end, it is what it is.  Your spouse chose how to handle their truth, and your actions did nothing except maybe prolong the inevitable.  Maybe you could have cut it off sooner.  If you'd have know, maybe you would have.  But you didn't.  There was literally nothing you could do to be more understanding or supportive in order to make it work out.  You did nothing to "deserve" this.  He's gay, he chose to hide that, and you and your family are the collateral damage.  It's literally that plain and simple, no matter what he says.  So don't waste any more time turning those thoughts over in your head.  It's torturous, and it serves absolutely NO purpose.  It saps your time and energy.  The next time you start doing that, STOP, tell yourself that this isn't helpful or healthy for you, and mentally put that down.  Or give it away to God.  Then when the thoughts crop up again, you say, "I've given this away (or put it down).  I'm not taking it back (or picking it back up).  The let it lie there.  It's possible, and I've done it.  You can, too.

As for the logistics of the house and car - yes, you need a divorce lawyer.  They'll be able to tell you how to handle all of this.  Lawyer consultations are free the first time, so you can lay out what you want and need, and they'll lay out a plan and ask you to gather further information.  They'll walk you through it all step-by-step.

As for worrying about your husband's feelings when you see him, that's what going no contact is good for.  It gives you the space you need to separate from needing to support him when he's the actual wrecking ball.  You are the walls he's crashing into.  The walls aren't supposed to worry about how the wrecking ball feels when it's crashing into them, tearing them apart.  He didn't have to be the wrecking ball - he DECIDED to be one.  Okay, fine.  But then no one's worrying about you, as the ball.  He's an idiot if that's what he's expecting - he's not entitled to that.  You don't have to wish him harm, but neither do you need to worry about his well-being any longer.  When someone rides off into the sunset and leaves you standing there with your mouth agape, you're not supposed to worry about  their horse's shoes, and whether they'll last the ride.  F*ck THAT.

Keep stopping by.  We're here.

Kel

It has been a couple more weeks and the new reality is setting in.  My kids are struggling, my youngest (17 son) sweetest, most laid back child, punched the wall and broke his hand.  My 22 year old daughter at college is making excuses not to have to see her dad.  
I have so many mixed feelings every hour of every day.  I am so worried about my kids and then feel so blessed that they open up to me and talk to me.  My husband has gotten my son to come to his apartment twice, and both times he has stayed two hours and texted me the whole time.  I don't know what I am supposed to do for them.  I try to let their relationship with him be between them, but my kids want to discuss it with me, let me know how angry they are and what they are feeling.  It is so hard because they don't really even know what is going on.  I have no concrete proof of anything besides what was on his computer.  I feel like every conversation the last year his a lie so I don't know what is true or not.  
Both kids graduate this year one from high school and one from college.  I want to be able to enjoy these milestones with them and I want them to have their dad their as part of it if they chose.  I am trying to be the wall and not care about the wrecking ball and maybe that comes with time.  It is still so fresh and I am still trying to understand how this happened and I didn't know.  I am trying not to have a nightly pity party... but that is an easy trap too!  
I am sad all the time and it seems like the only time I can feel anything is at work where I am constantly challenged and busy.  I find I am already working 12-14 hours a day to escape and I need to stop that I know.  It is hard to sit home alone at night and think of what was and what will be... 
Thanks for all the advise and support, I am here every night reading and re reading... 
~Sad Mom
 

Hi guys.  I'm so sorry that you're dealing with the kid hurt.  It's the worst - watching someone else you love hurt, too.  It just compounds your own hurt and anger, and honestly, it's confusing to know what to say to the kids.  Please know that no matter what's from being a normal teenager and what's from the wrecking ball, it's all the same in the end - problems that need to be dealt with.  Feeling guilt over their pain if it's from the gay thing isn't even helpful - it's pointless in most ways, anyway.  All you can do with ANY problem - yours or someone else's - is to look at the situation and figure out what might make the situation better.  That's all there ever is.  You would do well to get the kids into counseling.  There are plenty of teens raised in happy, healthy, wholesome homes that need counseling, for whatever reason.  Getting them to someone they can vent and hash things out with on neutral territory is priceless.  Encourage your kids to come tell you what they think they need.  That doesn't mean "no chores", ha ha.  It means stuff like, "I need to be able to decide if and when I want to communicate with Dad/Mom without guilt from you over it".  Or "I want to be able to talk to you without you making this about you".  Whatever those things are, try to do your best to give them to your kid.

Your job with the kids is the same as it always has been; trying to give them what they need to be healthy and happy, and grow into self-sufficient, happy, healthy adults.  You're just up against different challenges now.  NONE of this means that they can't or won't grow up to be amazing, wonderful, happy, healthy, well-adjusted adults.  It just means maybe the course to the finish line won't be as straight (forgive the pun!) as it otherwise would have been.  Makes life interesting.  Promotes personal growth.  Makes for rich stories in adulthood.  Lol.

When it comes to listening to your kids gripe about your ex, that can be challenging.  I've taken the high road and either tried to just be neutral (saying things like, "that sounds hard", and "you sound upset"), or defending the ex's stance when I feel it's just kids griping about an adult thing and they're hoping I'll fix it.  No, I'm not going to try to talk to your father and get you out of doing some yard work when you're there.  You're strapping, healthy teenagers.  You can help rake a bit in the fall.  Yeesch.  If I thought something was bugging them and they had a point, I'd encourage them to speak directly to their dad about it.  Lord knows these kids aren't scared to speak up.  If I thought something was over the line, I'd address it directly with my ex.  In the beginning, for instance, my ex was living with someone who clearly didn't think kids should be treated with much more than toleration.  He was afraid they'd scratch his precious dining room table, so whenever the kids visited, they had to sit at the coffee table in the family room to take their meals.  Which means that my kids had to sit on the floor because they weren't allowed to sit at the one and only table.  They were upset about it, and rightfully so.  These are not destructive kids, and the man certainly could have gotten some sort of pad and tablecloth for the table if it was that big of a deal.  I did contact their dad about that, who was a big whimp about it.  He said, "I don't know what you want me to do, Kel; it's HIS house."  I said, "I expect you to stand up for your kids, M.  I expect that you should be with someone whom you can tell that it's unacceptable that your children to have to sit on the floor when there's a table and chairs available."  My kids were sitting at the table the next weekend.  My kids often seem bored over their dad's house now, but they're old enough to make their own fun, complain about the lack of things to do, or threaten to stop going.  The go because it's working for them, on some level.  It'll stop when it's not.

You can do this.  Stand your ground on what's best for your kids.  Stand your ground on what was agreed upon in the visitation schedule.  You can bend in a few years when this all becomes more relaxed.  But don't bend to start.  That's showing that they can STILL have their cake and eat it, too.  They sure as hell wouldn't let YOU do that to THEM.  They'd be pointing out the agreement if what you were suggesting didn't work for them.  Do what you need to do.  The blessing is that now with agreements drawn up, you don't need to yell about it, act hurt, upset, angry or anything of the sort.  Repeat after me: "The parenting agreement says....."

Kel

Wow jk. Sadmom.

My one kid is not doing well as everyone thinks. Sometimes acts like the mom toward me ..this is from 2 years of watching the gay mom treat me badly.  Hard for me to repair.

And to get a gay spouse begging to be taken back...I don't know what I would do...my ex was so arrogant, heartless and cruel..  my words would be;
You hurt me...you kept hurting me.