OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum » Sad Wife (new thread dedicated to her)

Kel · October 4, 2016 10:44 am

Hi Sad Wife,

I saw your story within the other thread, and thought it might be easier if you had your own thread. You have your own story, after all. Plus I want people to be able to see that there's a new topic and person to respond to / support, so they don't all think there's just more responses to the old thread that they've already been in and bypass you.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. So many of us have gone through the confusion of trying to figure out what to do once our spouse's gay inclinations are realized. Your situation, while not unusual, is quite the opposite from what most of us experience(d). We were either told or we found evidence of our spouse's same-sex attraction, and those evidences were explained away, we were offered assurances that they didn't actually mean anything, and they promised to be on the straight and narrow. It's like dying of thirst, but only being offered poison water to drink. We don't know how to make a decision about how to get out of the situation. We forget that there are those of you out there who experience the opposite of that - the sudden explosion of a spouse who tells you one day that it's over, and then swiftly moves to prove the hell out of that statement. It is no less painful or confusing, but more jarring. It's like the difference between being one of those women who was in labor for 46 hours before giving birth vs. the one who only suffers through 2 hours. We all think that the one who labored long and hard suffered more. But as a mom who did the latter, I can tell you that it's like being on a runaway train of pain - you suffer all the same things, but at a frighteningly breakneck speed. It is not a fun ride either way.

While it's a shame that your kids have to suffer through this with you, you will be each other's lifeline. The story of your 17 year-old coming and hugging you and your daughter offering to come home from college tells me that you will all gather together in a circle and hold each other up. You will all suffer different things, but you can see the need to comfort one another, too. And that's a great thing - it gives you so much support and love. No one seems to be blaming you (as 17 year-olds are so wont to do), which is awesome. You will all get through this together. They love you and can see that you are suffering, and they want to be your comfort. Let them be. Family counseling might also be really helpful. He doesn't have to be there for it to be useful to all.

Please know that for a man to move on with his new life this fast after only admitting that he likes to look at gay porn is highly unlikely. It's more likely that he has a new boyfriend whom he's moved in with. That also means that if it doesn't work out the way his mind envisions and hopes it will, your husband may try to bounce back into the household afterward. If he admits to this relationship at all, he'll claim that he was wrong about being attracted to men - it disgusts him and he got it out of his system, and he's done with that lifestyle. Do.not.believe.him. As much as you just want your normal life back the way it used to be, know that him coming back after all that is most certainly a recipe for more pain. He will then think that deep down, you MUST know what's been going on, and he can now do what he wants because after all, you let him. He will take this as a license to do it again, or as a sign of your weakness, which enables him now to go out and do whatever he wants in his free time, because after all, you're just grateful that he's back home. He has made his bed now - let him lie in it even if it gets infested with fleas, bedbugs and filth. That was his choice.

I know that you're reeling in shock, anger, sadness and confusion right now. But what's done is done - move forward swiftly to figure out your new life with the kids now, putting into place the things you need in order to survive. Think of it as if your house had gotten hit by an asteroid. You can spend time later trying to figure out if there was some way you could have known that asteroids are attracted to your house. For now, you need to put the tarps up and get the place back into working order. That doesn't mean you're fine with having this explode your life. It's just a necessary part of getting back to living. You cannot sit there in a destroyed house with your kids, crying about the destruction. You can do that at the end of the day, but in the meantime, you need to rebuild. In this type of situation, that means finding a lawyer, opening some new bank accounts, contacting the credit card companies, changing the locks on the doors, and seeking medical and mental health help. If a man does the things he's already done in the past 48 hours, he is certainly capable of doing a whole lot more damage. You may see these things as fundamentally different - after all, abusing credit cards or turning off the electricity would be cruel. Leaving because he's gay is doing something as he sees as right and necessary. Well, it all comes down to compassion. Once he's exhibited that he's capable of doing one, we know he's open the door to doing the other. Protect yourself, because he's not on anyone's side but his own now. The sooner you believe that, the easier it'll become for you.

Keep coming here. It's a lifeline in the darkness.

I wish you well -

Kel

Grace · October 4, 2016 10:34 pm

Sad wife,

It's almost a year now when I first posted here, hurt, confused and undecided whether or not to leave my gay soon to be ex. I was immobilized by the uncertainty of throwing away 18 years of marriage and breaking up our family with three kids. This forum saved my sanity because for the first time I learned that my situation is not unique and somebody truly understands the horrible pain that I was going through. Kel was one of the first persons to respond and advised me to run like my hair is on fire. And I did - not immediately though but I finally found the courage to break free. We have been separated for almost six months now and the divorce process is ongoing.

In my case I knew, before we got married he told me he was bisexual that he had affairs with men. But oh, I was so in love and so hopeful and stupidly optimistic that love would conquer all so I still went ahead and married him. Years later I would endure emotional and physical affairs, multiple craigslist encounters and what have you. I would catch him, he would deny, we would fight, make up and I still held on, scared of being a single mom and being alone all my life. I was the chumpiest of chumps.

Until this year, when I turned 40 I examined my life and found out I was exhausted by all this heartbreak and agony of serial infidelity and that I was putting myself at serious risk for STDs because of his practices. I begged him one more time to focus on our family then when nothing happened when he would still deny that he was out there having sex and cheating on me nonstop, I let him go.

I have never been more scared in my life. I was invested in my years of marriage, in my identity as a wife and a partner that taking that away, I felt that I was free falling into the unknown. I second guessed myself a lot of times - what if would suddenly change and become a straight and honest husband? He threatened to find another woman to marry. I stood my ground. Not without any doubts though but constantly coming here to this forum really helped, especially the words of wisdom from people who have walked this painful path. That it only gets worse as they get older.

I was a mess the first three months. I screamed and cried when I was alone, in the shower, driving in the car going home from work. I shared the details to my immediate family and a few close friends, a thing which really helped because they understood the pain although not its entirety like the people in this forum. I lost a lot of weight. I would lie if I say I never considered taking my own life just to escape the agony but I looked at my kids all under 18 and I thought about what future they would have if I was gone. So I held on.

Now I am still sad but I have realized that I can go through life without him. I have realized I am stronger. I can do things if I put my mind to it. I am happier now that I am the boss of my life and I don't have to walk around on eggshells whenever he would get into one of his rages.

Sad wife, we can get through this. Right now you are in shock. It will pass. For me what helped was finding my anger, it propelled me to move forward and finally disconnect, file for divorce. The selfishness and disrespect towards me as shown by his lies and serial infidelity was so blatant throughout my marriage. My family's reaction was : What took me so long? But only you can decide when enough is enough, when you are done.

I don't regret loving him. I have three beautiful kids. But I realized that I have to love myself too. Sad wife, love yourself. Let him go. Find your anger ! You will be ok. It will fucking hurt A LOT. But you will be eventually OK. I am still on my journey and this forum has helped me tremendously. I do not post a lot but I read it everyday. My prayers and hugs to you as you start on yours.

Courage3 · October 5, 2016 12:55 am

jkpeace wrote:
Grace,

Can you say more about how you don't regret loving him, as you have your beautiful children. I say that, too, but part of me does regret ever loving him. The kids are the only part that makes sense.

I want this to make sense. I know that Sad mom does, too.

JK

Rob · October 5, 2016 5:52 am

Grace, your words resonate with me.
This week is a really bad week..but reading your words I realize I'm only a couple months seperated and divorced.
I too have some great kids and gave her all my love..really all I was. I don't regret loving her so much as giving so much of myself to someone who did not love me the same. I'm find now how much of my self worth I lost.

Sad wife,

Your in shock..it's a horrible feeling ...the betrayal cuts us to our core. Please know you did nothing to deserve this. Take time to build your support system and gather strength. Above all be kind to yourself. Look for faith and courage wherever you can.

A sincere warm and strong hug ..virtual but authentic.

Grace · October 6, 2016 8:35 am

JKpeace, Courage3 and Rob,

I guess what I feel about not regretting loving him can be encapsulated in something I read from a chump lady blog forum. I cannot give credit to the author, I forgot who posted it but I copy pasted the words and printed it out here is a portion of it: "It wasn't a waste. The time and care and attention you gave, it wasn't a waste. It was your beautiful. generous loving self at its best, under duress yet still actively loving, that speaks to the strength of your spirit and the depth of your soul." It's part of a long letter that is very beautifully written, I will post it here when I have more time. It really spoke to me and I read it time and again to remind me that I have a long journey ahead of me and that it can be done.

If I have not met him, married him, I would not have my children who are my greatest joy and support in my darkest time. Without my kids I would have gone over the edge and just let myself go but I realized I needed to be strong because they still need me.

Thus I have no regrets. My love was real. I gave everything. This thing happened to me but slowly I am coming to terms that it does not define me. I can rewrite my life. As the song says, the rest is still unwritten. Hugs to all of us.

October 16, 2016 9:27 pm

Hi, I didn't see this new thread until tonight... I have been reading through the archives.
This has been a very hard week, we had the hurricane, we didn't hear anything from him until the day it was to hit, and he says he wants to come home and be with his family. I let him come home but my son and I left. I can't play the game of everything is normal, then it isn't.

Thanks for the great post, it gives me so much to think about, is he with someone else? Wow, didn't really think of that but it makes such sense now that you have said it. The move was 24 hours from announcement to leaving? What did I do to deserve that? This weekend we were cleaning out the garage (1/2 of which had been converted into a bed room) so I could park in it again. He was there, I spent the whole time worrying about his feelings. About how he felt about what was happening all around him. That is me, I wish I didn't feel that way but I do.

I don't blame myself for what has happened but I keep replaying conversations and situations and wondered if I handled them differently if things would have been better. I am so sad all the time, I walk around and can instantly cry. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I don't know how to be happy again.

~Sad Mom

Rob · October 18, 2016 6:25 am

Sad mom.

Sorry your so sad but you seem to be doing what needs to be done. I too can look at a picture, my kids, any object and cry. Crying is ok..it means we are authentic people. I recall being on the antidepressants to get through the business of my divorce ..I couldn't cry sometimes which was good but I missed feeling things sometimes...crying and feeling is part of who I am.
I'm lonely and sad sometimes now but I rather feel that than rage and abuse. I have to remind myself when it hits me that it's all better than the abuse, contempt and hatred I received from my ex. Its bizarre because if you met me im the most docile and kind person you could ever meet..but somehow my ex thought me a monster. I'm glad to be away from the crazy. The lies and distrust and gaslighting..the evil.

Sad here also but sane.

October 26, 2016 6:28 am

Ok, I am ready for advice... He came with a Uhaul and moved "his stuff" out. I don't really care what he took. He says he doesn't want the house, just his car. How do we get the house in my name and the car in his name (my car is already only in my name)? Do we have to use a lawyer? I am nauseated just asking these questions. How long before that feeling goes away?

phoenix · October 26, 2016 8:14 am

sad mom wrote:
Ok, I am ready for advice... He came with a Uhaul and moved "his stuff" out. I don't really care what he took. He says he doesn't want the house, just his car. How do we get the house in my name and the car in his name (my car is already only in my name)? Do we have to use a lawyer? I am nauseated just asking these questions. How long before that feeling goes away?

Keep in mind, most of us are not attorneys.. so definitely not qualified to give legal advice. But we can try to help.

Some advice:
Work quickly to get agreements settled between you. Do it while he's in a giving mood. He is likely to be very unstable, so his "generosity" might change soon. Start by sitting down at the kitchen table and draw up agreements on custody and asset division. Get as many agreements as possible now.. .because it will be harder to change his mind later if he's already told you he agrees to these things. But keep in mind, nothing is solid until the judge says it is.

You don't have to get an attorney. If you agree on everything then you can represent yourselves in court. You can go to mediation as well and have them draw up binding agreements. Do this soon while he still agrees to everything.

You can usually get multiple attorneys to give you free consultations so you can ask a ton of questions. Plus that way you can have someone at the ready if you decide you need to hire them.

If his name is on title on the house, you will need to have a local title company draw up a quit claim deed. This means he is signing off his ownership claim on the house. It will only cost a couple hundred dollars to do this. But remember that if you have a mortgage and he is also on the loan, you would have to refinance the loan to get his name off the debt. It is your best interest to get the quit claim deed done to get ownership. It will be in his best interest to have you refinance the loan so it then releases him from the debt.

The car situation is much the same. There is a title of ownership registered with the state. He can go to the motor vehicle office and register for a new title to have it in his name only. You might have to go as well and sign it over. However, you will need to make sure that he refinances the debt on the car into his name only as well. It would not be in your best interest to let him remove your name from ownership, but leave you in debt on the car.

How long before the feeling goes away.. Time heals all wounds.. The feeling will lesson.
I found that being proactive to move forward towards the goal of transferring assets, negotiating custody, doing mediation and pushing through the legal stuff made me feel better. Just being in control of the situation is a good feeling. But it won't take away the pain.
I can't say how long the feeling will last.. it is different for everyone. The feeling will get better, then worse, then better, then worse, then change and take on another form. Welcome to the roller-coaster.

You will get through this! Just take things one step at a time. Don't stress over decisions you don't have to make yet. Just get through each day and do the best you can and don't be hard on yourself.

Rob · October 26, 2016 12:04 pm

The car I think you need to move the loan to his name or if you own it the title can be signed over to him..
Maybe can do it at your motor vehicle office.

The house there is something called a quick claim deed with finance companies to get his name off the mortgage..but they may require you to refinance it.. yeah a lawyer helps.

Good for you if he is out.. May you savor the peace and solitude.

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October 4, 2016 10:44 am #1

Sad Wife (new thread dedicated to her)

October 4, 2016 10:34 pm #2

Re: Sad Wife (new thread dedicated to her)

October 5, 2016 12:55 am #3

Re: Sad Wife (new thread dedicated to her)

jkpeace wrote:

October 5, 2016 5:52 am #4

Re: Sad Wife (new thread dedicated to her)

October 6, 2016 8:35 am #5

Re: Sad Wife (new thread dedicated to her)

October 16, 2016 9:27 pm #6

Re: Sad Wife (new thread dedicated to her)

October 18, 2016 6:25 am #7

Re: Sad Wife (new thread dedicated to her)

October 26, 2016 6:28 am #8

Re: Sad Wife (new thread dedicated to her)

October 26, 2016 8:14 am #9

Re: Sad Wife (new thread dedicated to her)

sad mom wrote:

October 26, 2016 12:04 pm #10

Re: Sad Wife (new thread dedicated to her)

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