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July 3, 2020 9:01 pm  #11

Re: Looks like I am crazy

How are you doing, YepNope?

How old is your son? Does he know his dad threw you against the wall? It seems important that he be told that... it’s horrible to be afraid of the kids being turned against you; I know. The best you can do is tell them the truth without badmouthing the other parent.

Last edited by OneDayAtATime (July 3, 2020 9:03 pm)


July 3, 2020 11:03 pm  #12

Re: Looks like I am crazy

Hi there onedayatatime

I am not really good.I have given up. Every now and then I fall into this confusing space where I want to believe him. Some things he brings up past ex girlfriends. I look around me and see everyone has distanced themselves from me. It looks like I am the problem it seems. Maybe I am irrational and crazy. I don’t know. One thing that will always remain true is that there is something wrong with the intimacy. But it’s my fault. I nag too much and I have always been badgering him about why he does not want me. The message I get from the world is that it is all my fault. I am loosing motivation in everything. I have gotten accepted into university to continue my studies in social work. I find myself just unmotivated and slugggish. How can I be so wrong about everything?. How can he show so many signs but not be gay? Why do I feel this way ?  I can not bring up the past without arguing. Everything is downplayed. All my feelings and experiences are always wrong. All the coincidences are not coincidences. He is the nicest man though. Everyone thinks he is this very down to earth NiCE guy. He is. He always plays the good guy. Even in front of the kids. He always does nice things infront of them. Like holding hands outside or saying nice things. When we are alone it’s two different worlds. I always look bad to my kids because I am always starting problems because I can’t just go along with everything. I am always ruining the mood
I have no faith in my self and my judgement. I feel so alone. Does anyone want to be my friend ?

     Thread Starter

July 4, 2020 12:22 am  #13

Re: Looks like I am crazy

Have you emailed the links Darryl have you? You need to get involved in a group and find a counselor that has your back, immediately. You are perfectly sane: the problem is that if we are stuck in a trap, with no way out, our brains don’t want to acknowledge how bad it is. It’s a survival mechanism. But also this shitty husband of yours has gaslighted you until you have trauma shaping making you not feel your intuition..: it’s like he has put himself in place of your intuition.
Focus on what you know: he is doing criminal activity with those checks. He’s done hard drugs. He lies, constantly. He mocks you. He now has physically abused you.
You are a very intelligent person. All you need is a some support and to figure out one tiny first step. Maybe the first step is figuring out a place to hide some money? Or figuring out a way to take out $20 each time you buy groceries?
If you can’t find a straight spouse group near you, look into Women’s shelter resources, look into groups for survivors of narcissistic abuse.
With your husband... go “grey rock.” Be as boring as possible. Do not argue. Do not talk much. Just be polite and boring. It will help protect you until you can get safe. You have done nothing wrong at all. But he will use any argument to his advantage. Since he does not play by any rules, he can always change the rules and win.
Please keep checking in here, go back and read what the other people wiser than me have written to you. Read it every day. You deserve to feel safe, sane, and loved. If your family is emotionally abusive, stay away from them too. Find someone who can look you in the eyes and tell you “I know what you’re going through. You have every right to be angry. You are perfectly sane.”


July 4, 2020 10:04 am  #14

Re: Looks like I am crazy

I'm no professional but it seems to me that your spouse is textbook toxic narcissist. Everything is about him, charming one minute, vicious the next, a master of manipulation, always trying to keep you isolated, gaslighting you to make you think you are the problem, and so on. From what I've seen here the "in the closet/in denial" toxic narcissist is extreme in these aspects, probably because they have such a great secret to keep hidden.

I think Step One is to educate yourself on this condition. Then you can read up on ways to cope with this in the short term and that gives you time to decide on the long term plan. I doubt you can change him and his volatility makes that dangerous to you. Don't give up. You're not alone.

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

July 4, 2020 10:58 am  #15

Re: Looks like I am crazy

Following up on Daryl's suggestion: "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft would be enlightening for you.


July 4, 2020 12:43 pm  #16

Re: Looks like I am crazy

I was amazed how downright nice and friendly my GX could be around the kids and other people and then, like a light switch,viscous and mean to me..
I mean you or I could not change our behavior like that easily ..so yeah its sounds like he's a textbook narcissist.  Once you realize and see this it can be rather scary.

"Observe dont absorb" the next time he he gets angry. Do not think you are crazy or the problem.  The grey rock advice is sound..   

On friends...ill admit I reached out to family and friends when going through this.   Let them know without details how hurtful he is..if they are really for you they will be supportive.

One thing I learned was how to be my own friend..make sure you take self care days where you do something you like.  Go read a book somewhere etc..  Alone is ok..you may find, as i did, that your pretty good company to yourself. I also spent as much time with the kids as I could..

You are not crazy..  You are empathetic and caring ..you are kind and loving.  He,is not worthy of these things if he treats you badly..it does matter if hes gay, purple or an alien. He is not a god with supreme powers allowed to do whatever he wants. ..ie be cruel in person and affectionate in public.. He forfits all rights and privelages to your time, talents,affection if he treats you badly..doesnt matter how he treats or acts to others. 
Grey rock and build your support system..

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

July 4, 2020 1:12 pm  #17

Re: Looks like I am crazy

Hi Yepnope,

Am glad you checked in!

OOHC suggested "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft to me also when I first posted. My late GIDXH hit me a lot for many years. These violent abusers give the same lame excuses to their victims. Bancroft cuts through their cr@p. It helped me put all the confusing pieces of his unbearable behavior together.

If he strikes you again, take your phone, run outside and call your police emergency line.  He received his warning once. That's enough. Normal, law-abiding adults don't hit others. They belong in jail if they do to protect the innocent.

I hope you continue to check in and let us know how you are doing. We've been there and gotten out in one piece. Take care!!

No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

July 6, 2020 2:02 pm  #18

Re: Looks like I am crazy

Good luck with finding that therapist.  I've tried two and one pyschiatrist with no help at all.  Just wanted to keep me coming and go back through the "childhood thing".  Well, I've been there and done that and that was then and this is now.  This cesspit I'm in has NOTHING to do with my childhood and it also has nothing to do with who I am.  I would say the same to you.  This is quite a bit like being hit by a BIG truck.  Just try to put the pieces back together and hang on to yourself - that is really ALL you can do.  People will shun you because they can sense that you have deep trouble in your life or because you have told them or someone else has.  The only thing that has kept me going are my friends and they are a little bit distant these days.  It's not much fun to be around a wounded and hurting animal - especially when it seems that you can't help.  My EX (whatever he was) is a monster and it's for sure that, even with the pain, I'd rather be me than him.


July 6, 2020 4:55 pm  #19

Re: Looks like I am crazy

"Good luck with finding that therapist.  I've tried two and one pyschiatrist with no help at all."

Most are not trained at all for complex trauma.

"Just wanted to keep me coming and go back through the "childhood thing"."

This is pretty standard when they view you as co-dependent to what's going on.

Omar Minwalla and Barbara Steffens are who I would recommend to understand the complex trauma of these experiences. Though both of these deal with Sex Addiction (in many forms), the betrayal trauma resulting from a GID spouse is pretty much the same.

​The last thing you want to be confronted with in counseling is that somehow you had a hand in this, or your childhood needs examining so we can prove you had a hand in it.

Ask of counselors - do they follow co-addict/co-dependent models? (if the answer is yes, seek help elsewhere!)
​Are they familiar with betrayal trauma/complex trauma?
Have they been trained in tri-phasic trauma recovery?


Last edited by Lyonene (July 7, 2020 2:57 pm)


July 6, 2020 5:21 pm  #20

Re: Looks like I am crazy

Hi Lyonene,

I was wondering if you could point to what articles to read re tri-phasic trauma recovery.  I just went looking and there were so many articles and I didn't know where to start.

thanks, Lily


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