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June 26, 2020 2:04 am  #1

Looks like I am crazy

Well. I give in and belive that I have been all along. I will be a grey rock from now be boring and uninteresting and just keep the peace for now until I am strong enough to face it

Last edited by Yepnopewhatever (July 6, 2020 2:19 pm)


June 26, 2020 6:46 am  #2

Re: Looks like I am crazy

Regardless of whether your husband is gay, if I read what you said correctly he is committing financial fraud, and you have a duty to yourself and to your children to initiate a divorce to protect yourself and them.  Please see a lawyer, because you must protect yourself legally.  He may shut you out, but the law considers you as an equally responsible partner. 

GIven what you've described of your marriage, I don't see how it would be possible to "be okay with" things. Also, you may find that re-framing your ideas about staying "for the children" will help you.  You don't STAY "for the kids."  You LEAVE for the kids.  You LEAVE because staying in an abusive marriage in which you are being manipulated and lied to, in which your husband is committing financial fraud, and because you don't wish to subject your children to the seriously disordered and dysfunctional family dynamic in which you are living. 



June 26, 2020 8:03 am  #3

Re: Looks like I am crazy

So sorry.

Gay or not he seems to have bestowed this word crazy on you.

You are not crazy.

What you are experiencing is called "cognitive dissonance"..when you try to rationalize things because the alternative is so bad.. 

It's a horrible feeling many of us know well..the gaslighting they do to us.our mind wanting to believe them,when we know it's not true.

The anxiety and distrust that compels you to call and check on him is real. Its something a gay spouse would never understand...ie is he meeting a buddy for a beer or are they having sex?  Why should you have to wonder? I used to physically shake with trauma when my GX went out ..are they shopping or having sex?  Our anxiety amuses them which should tell us just how much they love us.

Start building your support system.  Dont go it alone.  Know that this is not how a husband should treat a friend let alone a spouse.

No..you are not crazy.

Last edited by Rob (June 26, 2020 8:04 am)

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

June 26, 2020 6:40 pm  #4

Re: Looks like I am crazy


Sorry you are in this situation with this abusive & cruel man. You are perfectly sane. The chaos your husband is creating is crazy.

Is it safe for you to leave? My extended family (not my parents or sibling)  remind me of  your husband and his cohorts/friends (not the gay part, but who knows).  It's a cultural thing to obey men, or you get ostracized or worse. 

If it's just you holding yourself back, can your father help you out?  My dad is very conservative (no divorce, ever). When I told him about the things my GIDH was doing, he told me to divorce the bum.

Good luck and please post here as often as you need to. We've been in the same spot you have. (((Hugs)))

No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

June 26, 2020 11:40 pm  #5

Re: Looks like I am crazy

Thank you everyone for your input. I really do not have any support at this moment. I am scared to tell my family about this. They all make me feel crazy and paranoid and then I start to doubt myself and my experience for the last 10 years. I unfortunately don’t know how to take this first step. We had another fight because I questioned him about his whereabouts and he could not give me a clear explanation, because there is 45 minutes that are unaccounted for.. I stayed calm and he lost his shit. I told him not share straws or drinks with the kids and he threw me against the wall. I just wanted him to explain why he doesn’t know.

I don’t have money to get my own place. I do not have a job. I begin school in September to get my BA in social work. Now everything is up in the air. If you know anyone in Toronto, Ontario that could be support please let me know. I don’t know what to do. I’m so scared for myself and my kids. My son thinks I’m the worst because I’m always the one who’s questioning him and he is denying it. He does not understand and he thinks I’m being mean because I’m asking him to many questions while he’s trying to rest.

I am caught in the middle of this mess. I am caught in the middle of believing I am totally wrong. To the history that’s there tells me this stuff happened how can i be wrong?

     Thread Starter

June 27, 2020 12:35 am  #6

Re: Looks like I am crazy

I have a suggestion to make - stop asking him questions - he's gay, he's acting out, and you're not crazy - give yourself the luxury of not being thrown around in the washing machine of his denial.  Throwing you against the wall is really bad.  See if you can think of a family member you can talk to, who might be able to help you tell the rest of the family.  

wishing you all the very best, Lily


June 27, 2020 8:07 am  #7

Re: Looks like I am crazy

If your husband threw you against the wall he has committed a crime.  If he physically abuses you another time call the police.  In the meantime, contact women's shelters in Toronto.  Even if during the pandemic they cannot offer you safe harbor, they can tell you what options and resources are available to you.

I'm with Lily, though: it's time to stop asking him questions.  You already know that you will not get an answer from him.  You also already know what you know.  You question yourself and your sanity because he has manipulated you into both of those things with his massive campaign of gas-lighting you.  

 I would suggest you look up the Minwalla podcasts that are suggested on another thread; also read the comments on that thread.  

  Also, flip the script and do some re-framing and talk-back to yourself: Instead of believing you might be crazy and that you need either proof or an admission from him, tell yourself this: I know what I know.  My intuition is a smoke alarm warning me and I need to listen to it in order to save myself.  I am a strong woman because my spidey-sense intuition is still intact and functioning.  
  Tell yourself this until you believe it, and in the meantime start making concrete steps to detach emotionally and to leave.  Pay attention not to what he SAYS but to what he DOES.  Unexplained absences for which he offers flimsy excuses and missing hours are all the evidence you need.  Tot up the evidence in your head, and apply it so that you can tell yourself "I trust that he lies."  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (June 27, 2020 8:08 am)


June 27, 2020 8:52 am  #8

Re: Looks like I am crazy


Yeah, stop asking questions or grilling him.  You can no more control what he does than you can control the weather.    At some point I stopped asking or wondering where my GX was..did not wait up for her whenshe came is at 2am.    Its hurtful to you I know but his doing it and his anger speaks so much more than anything he could say..  You can feel the lies in their answers.       Just stop asking and start working on yourself..building a support system, taking care of the kids.    Know that whatever he was doing  with these guys/guy it cannot be good .

The push against the wall is troubling.   At some point my GX started throwing things at me but I already feared her for her rage and screaming.    It is an unsafe feeling.   So at some point me and her just stopped talking...there was nothing left to say.  Passive aggressive for each of us one would think but for me it was not aggression..there was just nothing left to say....   one gets rage/anger or silence.   The silence is much safer.   It sometimes makes them madder I will admit...when they are screaming at you and don't scream back ..they cannot figure out why you are not screaming back   (because we are not like them).

   Do whatever you have to do to keep yourself and the kids safe.   But build a support system.. slowly, discretely work on yourself and , eventually, an exit plan should the time come for that.     Those kids need a strong parent that puts them first..  one that is not abused.    

Prayers of strength and fortitude.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

June 27, 2020 10:31 am  #9

Re: Looks like I am crazy

Yepnope, there is a SSN associated support group in Toronto. They used to have a monthly meeting but I expect those are on pause right now. I haven't been to one in a long time now but it was facilitated by a wonderful lady who is both a former straight spouse and also a registered therapist. You can email them here - https://straightforwardcanada.wordpress.com/

You can also cover the bases via SSN just in case the website above is out of date - https://www.straightspouse.org/contact-us/

As OutofHisCloset mentioned - there are other resources in Toronto you may be able to lean on. Physical and mental abuse is serious and often escalates, especially if the abuser believes the other person has no option to escape. I agree that there is little more to be gained by questioning and confrontation. It sounds like you know enough. You might want to make detailed notes of what you have found so far and place it somewhere only you can access it, perhaps something like a gmail/goggle drive file. The attempts to make you doubt yourself may only intensify so having a record, made at the time, gives you a way to remind yourself what really happened and could be invaluable at a later date.

This is more an FYI from my experience as I am not an attorney. Divorce in Ontario is typically 'no-fault', preceded by a minimum of a year's separation. The separation period includes a separation agreement that includes the disposition of marital property, equalization of assets, child support and possible alimony. Usually this agreement forms the basis of the divorce conditions unless there's been some significant change since the separation agreement was made or someone wants a modification to something like child visitation/custody arrangements. You can avoid the years separation in certain cases and abuse is certainly one of those. This is where detailed records will be very important. You might also want police reports if there are any future incidents, even if you don't press charges.

Take care of yourself and don't worry if you can't see the destination yet. Every step counts, even the little ones.

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

June 27, 2020 3:53 pm  #10

Re: Looks like I am crazy

Hi everyone,

Thank you all for your support. I have warned him that If he puts his hands on me again. The police will be called. The audacity on this man is unreal. You are all right. I know what I know. I have realized that he lies about everything until there is solid proof. So no point. I am going to prepare for this. I am scared shitless but I know what I know and I can not continue to put myself through this. I have to start somewhere. The most guilt I feel is that my son looks at me like I am the villain. He keeps telling me not to fight with him. That I always think he lying but he’s not because he screams and yells and cries that he is not. It hurts because I feel like my son will be mad at me for not believing him.
It’s a leap of faith I guess. I have to trust my gut. No point in anything else anymore

     Thread Starter

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