Hi JV42,
First of all, like I tried to point out in my previous response to distinguish the difference, I was 16 when we met and 19 when we got married. Still very young and so much things I couldn’t comprehend to what I should have know about myself. My upbringing had build a wall that prevented I was able to learn my own emotional needs or sexuality. I think I didn’t really grew up in a sense. Never connected to what I liked and wanted. So to make a comparison to that time is hard. I wasn’t really aware of sexual feelings or what love was in those  days.
 
I think a lot of my options were related to a fear of not being able to find someone who loved me and wanted to spend his life with me. I used the wrong truths for myself to have a relationship, though I didn’t know nor understand the real reason for it.
No, there were no feelings of butterflies  flying around in my belly. I just acted to the best of my knowledge.
Before I met Dutchman there was a (shy) young man who was interested in me. Now that I think of it, I don’t think the response in my feelings towards him were any different.
But when dutchman came along he was forthcoming and had something adventurous about him that I liked very much. Besides that we had our faith and values on the same page. So many things were going for him.
I liked him and we bonded very well in most other aspects. Intimacy and cuddling was there and it felt safe and for me an honor that someone would even take interest in me like that. So it was exciting and playful, but it never hit a spot and lacked initiating intimate affection from my side. Still It never occurred to me that my sexuality was different.
I didn’t know any lesbians or what they were like, let alone that I myself would be one. It took years before that question even came across my mind.
 
We’re now 37 years into our marriage of which the last 17 of those years in awareness of why we had so much troubles during the first 20 years in the intimacy and sexual department.
I can not tell you whether I would have chosen differently if I had known before we married. Maybe. To be honest and knowing myself, I may have. I think a lot of what I did back then was basically seeking for security and protection.  Dutchman found me first and I took my opportunity to that.
However with the knowledge I have now: if I’d known before we married and gotten into a relation with a woman. It would not have been my authentic self or identity either. I would have taken that same opportunity, but simply in a different direction, in that case a woman. For I just didn’t know who I really was, I would still just have searched for self-assurance and confidence. It still wouldn’t have been real. I did not know what I was supposed to feel. I think the sexual aspect would have been different, but that is just one aspect.
 
When I became aware of my feelings 17 years ago I searched the internet for more knowledge about same sex attraction. But I was aware of my feelings very well, and had no problem to accept myself. So I didn’t felt the need to be part of a lesbian or gay community. I had decided I wanted to stay in our marriage and that was my main goal. True, at first also for wrong reasons like fear of being alone and I did it from willpower, because I had yet to learn how to direct my emotions and stand on the right foundation. I doubt whether the lesbian community would somehow have brought me closer to my goal.
 
The love I experience nowadays in our relation is a mixture of both romantic and unconditional love. Unconditional & romantic love that grew strong powerful and with belief in its truest form. For I know now what it means. I know what love embraces for him, I deeply feel wat it means to me and can connect with his desire and passion emotionally and I can express myself to him without holding back. I can be myself as he can be himself without distraction of my SSA. Because I believe in him and accepted him as he is, like he fully accepted me.

I hope again i have answered your questions to what you wanted to know. 
Sam
 
 

Hi Samantha,

Do you think that your advice would still apply if my spouse has known about their attractions since they were younger? She has known for a while but never fully understood what her feelings meant until more recently and she suppressed and ignored them after that. With her coming to terms with the reality of her attractions now, while already in a committed relationship, she has a lot of complicated feelings. She feels guilt for not self-reflecting on or mentioning her attractions to me in the past. However, she is also stuck feeling like she’s self-sacrificing by staying in the relationship, getting stuck in something similar to the “tunnel-vision” you have mentioned. Her self-esteem is low because she feels she is sacrificing her needs to be with me, but still loves me and wants to stay in the relationship. I want her to feel free to live happily, whether with or without being in an MOM, but I’m not sure what else I can do to help her escape this tunnel-vision of being stuck in a tug-of-war between the ideas of self-sacrificing her needs and opportunities to stay together, against abandoning our love and life together. She feels like she has to make a choice but is unable to fully commit to staying, despite that being what she wants.

Thank you in advance!

Hello JV42
You distinguish several elements thrown together in a mix, blend in a muddle to walk through for view and approach. I think it is wise to emphasize the core line of my post is the feeling you describe of ‘being stuck’ somewhere in the relation. Not reducing of your spouse’s feelings to non-important-land. But things I have considered for myself.
 
I hope your wife finds a trustworthy account. For me it was a route of considering every single aspect, through essentially accepting the conclusions I drew from it as right for the way I wanted to live my life, and making it concrete, so following up on those conclusions...
Whether it makes a difference to know from an early age to have SSA feelings? My feelings became clear for me only much later in life married and having 4 kids and a whole landscape of troubles within myself not knowing why, but when I did, I was able to deduce explanations.
 
Reading your post, I do wonder what exactly your wife knew when she was young. Because at the same time you write there was still a lot that was vague until more recently. What exactly has become clear recently in comparison to when she was young? I gather that’s more then just accepting SSA.
And what made the obstruction disappear so that she now can name her feelings so firmly.
Does the downside from ‘coming to terms with her attractions now’ mean ‘growing unattractiveness towards’ you? If so, why?
How much time was in between her being young and now being married, and in awareness of her feelings now? What made her decide to get into a marriage with a man although being, like you describe, mindful of confusing feelings? What were her feelings towards you at that time?
 
Sorry for all the questions (I can think of a lot more but for now ;) but questions that matter to get some clarity. You don’t have to tell me! But to solve it, it’s essential to consider all. To get to a grip on things. Being honest and open to herself and, preferably, to you along with it. Unto the deepest thought she had.
Shame about feelings of “signs she missed” do not help and does not built confidence in who she is now. Worrying about how you will act in response can be a fear, but fear is a very bad counselor.
Wanting to stay in a marriage, in a MOM, does not only concern her, but you too!
Transparency and being honest and feeling free to talk is mandatory for building trust and will. And provide a new entrance for the relationship that has to develop. For the both of you.
You are not standing at the sideline in seeing her through her ordeal!! All your feelings are as important as well, to get to where you want to be. Especially if you both want to continue this road. Where you (jv42 ;) want to be, holds both your feelings unto the deepest level, as does hers. Her finding her true self and courage to decide who she really wants to be is the result of your combined effort.
 
Neither does it imply you have to approve experimenting outside the marriage. If she knows, she knows…. Especially if you have been married for quite some time. It means she knows and experienced one side… and whether her feelings turmoil from there and why. Every feeling beyond that belongs to the exchange to favor the sexual preference and let that lead the way. Wanting that more and above what marriage can give her. Maybe the only thing she didn’t experience, is the real thing: having a sexual relationship with a woman.
That’s the dillema she feels confronted with. (not necessarily true, but I cover that later on in the post). Being true to her marital vows she gave you once with the positive intentions she originally had, or now being stuck at “a sacrificing her needs for you”, and as a consequence freezing in time…
For you: That is not the choice you have to offer as a lenience. Do not give up your original purpose of your life and marriage.
 
Society/culture often declare one can only be real and authentic if you follow and live your feelings and sexuality. That is by no means an opinion I share. Timespan, my own well thought considerations and, as a result, choices have allowed me to experience and gain so much more insight that I absolutely believe the contrary to be correct beyond any doubt. And it strongly substantiated my personality, being real and have self-confidence, given me insight into who I am. I have learned to accept myself completely, not compromising every other element that makes me who I am or where (relationally) I am, my sexuality is not the weakest link because of my ‘so called’ limitations. Direct to the fact that I have always the right and capability to make my own choices because I also consider the ‘why’ the choices. I am not an SSA-person, I am a person which happens to also have SSA feelings. There is an essential difference between those two.
 
The grip on myself, my feelings and the tunnel vision were absolutely diverse elements but also separate aspects to explore what it stood for. As did sexuality. Which in itself defines a whole range of different aspect, other than discovering what you prefer.
 
Having ssa-feelings do not define the entire identity. One’s personality is built from a variety of characteristics which all have importance…and generates an individual as an authentic human being. You’re not, and never, just your sexuality.
 
At the top of everything else appears the word :  Acceptance! Deeply convinced knowledge that it is so…like: whatever feeling might appear in the future it can be answered with “I know who I am, I know how I want to life my life because I know the choices and considerations I have delt with”. This is who I am, this is what I stand for and belief in. Acceptance of yourself fully as you are and fully who you are.
Do not disagree with what you feel and know to be true, not merely containing sexuality. Though it’s an original part of who you are. Having a sexual preference is, in itself, not the problem, it’s something everyone has! So, one is straight, another isn’t. No need to fight against a preference.  It’s a natural fact. Only because it’s given this separate and supreme significance that makes it into a battle.
Well…I have one somewhat blue eye and one somewhat greenish eye … should I make that to a crucial issue too? No, it is just a specific element of me. Like my SSA feelings.
Despite my preference, I’m still a woman, being married, and loved by her spouse, having ssa feelings. I wanted to be married, I wanted to have a spouse, I gave my vows, I want to stay and do not want to take his love for granted. So…not a victim so far, rather acceptance of facts.
Not going for feelings of preference does not mean I cannot have them. Just like a straight cannot shut his preference of.
 
The dilemma I felt, (your wife feels) isn’t that true and set in stone. It was only there because I allowed it to have that much weight. I allowed the elephant to stand in the middle of the room, dictating me (and us) what to do. It was by choice the elephant was there in that place, not some law of nature. I learned that I could choose different.
 
If that is the case… do not give “missing out” or “sacrificing” that weight of importance either… for it also belongs to just a certain level, where it should be, and not something as if the world falls apart.
‘Acknowledging’ represents no more than allowing that fact to be present and validated. Which is necessary in order to deal with your feelings. ‘Missing-out’ to begin with, represents, no more than, I want more than I have. Or I am missing something in what I have and also feel a need for.
Yes, the world wants to give it more weight, feel it like so, and it makes your own “tunnelvision” the sacred comforter for yourself. Like you do not have a choice, being a victim of feelings, in a marriage in which needs are sacrificed. Finding it heavy to achieve and stay, making it too difficult to make a choice because there is still love between the two of you. 
Carrying that identity on the shoulders, instead of being authentic to yourself and make a choice.
A constant bargain with the marriage, feeding a constant elephant in the room to consider for both. And furthermore…no real trust for the future. Because what “if”… if the “if’s control your actions you will always feel astray. What if everything becomes unbearable. Whether for the straight or the SSA spouse? How much time is lost?
However... you do have a choice!! For one, you can end the marriage. But staying does not necessarily mean sacrifice, for you also have a choice there! In contradiction to what the world tells you, you both can still love your spouse as you did all those years before. One can make a feeling into a prison without will nor joy, or one can make feeling subordinate to what you want. It’s really a choice to let feelings control you... or not.
 
So, the right to distinguish thoughts and what to do with your life, especially your sexuality.  As much as any other human being must do. Gay or straight. Free fall in love with everyone you come across as you are married is not a foundation of marriage. Commitment is.  A door only opens if the emotional strain of doubt, not knowing who you are, hold as value to who one truly is and willfully choose to be and life by, is as unstable as the world itself, changing by the minute.
 
Many SSA in a MOM think a choice like that means being denied of feelings… placing sexual intimacy with the same sex as thé gateway to obtain fulfilment and being whole being real being true to yourself. Leaving other morals, principles and values below the surface. Strange isn’t it… as if the train track shifts for the wagon to ride.…
This tunnelvision simply doesn’t reach into the emotional core of the spouse’s needs and feelings as equal to needs they have themselves. The why or origin for the importance of ‘two makes one unity’ relationship. It is distorted and focused solely on its alternative and better (‘missed’= I do not have) need they feel captivated by. 
Not understanding the valuable importance of a promise,
making commitment a willfully sacrifice and burden.
Neither really wanting to choose and be real… and live like you feel.
Making acceptance not a freedom but an obligation at the spouse’s expense,
by denying their own approval to be who they really are.
Frequently refusing, even dislike, their spouse as a man.
Forgetting the emotional meaning and purpose of the partner's inner feelings…as he has to accept this ‘new’ fact as well, being of the opposite sex… which holds far more then just dealing with spouse’s ssa.
 
Well just a few pieces of buildingblocks of the tunnel…with a tracksign pointing at being real and authentic to one’s true self…. That’s an opinion…which I learned to be the opposite, holding me back, too narrow and no oxygen.
 
You wanted to know how you can help your spouse in being stuck?
If I would say it's just a choice between: follow your sense of sexuality or follow the path of being married… is too short-sighted. Because you don't just turn feelings on or off, or change.
It’s a wills desire to go for the choices you make to follow with your heart and knowing to be true to all of yourself.
That might mean staying in the marriage! But then willfully, letting go of the utmost importance of preference, it is not a possession, it’s a feeling. It’s what you like, not having to deny.
Giving room for total accepting the consequences of what really matters to her and to you. Because that is what the marriage holds…
Having the same feelings as her. Play with that thought, talk about it…
AND play with each other… sexuality is still fun too!! Particularly if the pressure is out of the equation finding ways to affirm each other’s needs. And between the two of you, there are not many limitations… just those which are needed (like in every marriage) to keep your bond strong, save and secure.  
But if one doesn’t want it, that should mean each of you go your separate way. A loving marriage is not and should not be a prison. Not for you, not for her.
 
Oh gosh…it became a very long post, i am sorry, so much went through my mind.
I hope there is something in there you can use,
Sam

Hi Nasturtium,
Again, sorry for having to wait such a long time for a reply, having some of our kids over… I hoped to have time during my nightshifts at work but that didn’t happen… But I hope my answer is beneficial to what you were looking for.
 
To begin with, I never asked my husband not to speak about my, and there for his problems. It never crossed my mind to ask that. Why should I?  I had a few close friends to speak about my feelings so why shouldn’t he be permitted to have the same as a straight. It is very important.
When you have a real wound, you go see a doctor or care to find assistance to dress the wound properly. And advise on how infection can be avoided, or pain can be reduced.
Well…this works the same, things sure need care, advise or healing. 
 
And lets say, even if I would have been ashamed about my sexual orientation and would not be to eager to reveal to much about my sexuality and private life that comes with that. I cannot expect my husband not to speak with someone. Whirl through turmoil all by himself having not only to cope with a wife who has a different sexuality. But also, his own sexuality that falls away, or even feelings being enough or being the, and a man, he expected to be.
That would not be fair would it. I do not have that right, which is solely beneficial to my feelings. An expectation or either my guilty or shame… but… Should he feel to be ashamed himself too??  Would his confusion and pain and even shame for not being enough for me not be as valid and reason to talk about with a close friend he feels comfortable with?
 
There is a lot to think about, to get objective advice or just an arm around a shoulder when you feel alone. Conformation needed on whether feelings are justified or not, without having to think you have to keep a brave face in consideration toward your spouse. Acknowledgement of your own feelings. Talking on what your perspectives were and are for your marriage without immediately having to explain yourself. Or even be upset that thing changed, trust issues. A place where you can lose control and feel what you feel and be who you are.
 
And it shows the trust he has in you… and if I might add… he should have…. For one thing: it is never about breaking each other or disrespect or gossip because it is never about to hurt the person you love. But that doesn’t make pain or disorientation in the marriage any less. Even being angry, or just vulnerable. Things need objective input sometimes from close friends.
Secondly it is not a choice nor about lie or hiding to cover-up, as if things are not that bad, just marriage things, things you should not tell to disclose…  but for most of the people you speak to it will always feel a bit like that…
I frequently think about the phrase of a film : “they are on a need-to-know basis, and they do not need to know…” (which film doesn’t spring to mind right now) But it helps me/us to relativize on when or where things will have an appropriate value and merit in a conversation with others. (and for the record : I do not use that phrase on my husband 😉)
 
Time is also an important thing…time to explain what you feel, and thoughts are about it. Because…lack of that opens a door for gossip, or mis or dis understanding of the real things you meant to say. Where you just wanted to be open, not making it a problem of something, someone else, when you leave the conversation, can make it into a problem for you.
So…for me/us to speak about it outside our home about these things, needs care, time and added value to the conversation.
For the rest it is our life we live.
You do not have to tell everybody, but you should have a few close friends, people you really trust. 
 
When we both were in a new phase of total acceptance, I gave a testimony at the women’s group in church. Before that I also had that feeling of somehow hiding the truth…especially when a certain discussion held things like intimacy or love, basically who I was an why I came to a certain conclusion.
But then again…it did help me to think a lot about those issues, because when I got home after those evenings then, and talk to Dutchman or close friends, and by doing so, see differences and variations others wouldn’t/couldn’t see. So that had a value too. Sometimes you just must consider things by yourself to find a new different way and choice away from others…
 
I do not see my sexual orientation as a sin, nor does it stand in between me and God. I do not have to be ashamed because someone else might have a different opinion about sexualities or orientation. If that does happen, well…I am able to talk again to that person. And why not… I have nothing to be ashamed of. And, like you describe, it would/should build openness and acceptance.
 
Complications do not start, sin does not start, at the point where most people think it starts but where choices and behavior starts. Usually forgetting that sexual orientation is not who you are, it is something you have… I sure hope that my legacy does not have my sexual orientation stands out first and only. For I do not think that it is of any importance to be in there….
But everything else about me that delt wilt certain circumstances in life that tried to life the best way she knew how, believing the best way she knew to be true to herself. In which orientation is just an aspect as many others, and sure know how to be as a person, woman, wife, and mother.
I do hope it will state very stubborn because at some point she didn’t listen anymore, a ninety-degree turn…, no culture propaganda or religious mumbo jumbo the bible never intended it to be, anymore or be a victim because of that. And gosh… persistent in doing so.
 
We have 4 kids, we told them when they were on an age they could understand, being in their teens. It was more important for them to know we were not separating then other issues. Later, when they got a little older, we shared more with them with time and questions they themselves started to ask.
Our youngest son married a few months back and when his wife and I chatted late one night at our home recently, she told me that my son had said to her that he was very proud of his parents and saw our marriage as an example for himself. Well…I think you can imagine that it felt as an honor to hear that from someone other than my own son, who was not even present in the room at that time.
 
At this moment I am reading a book, it is called: “Changes that heal.” 4 steps towards a strong identity. Author:  Henry Cloud. I cannot deny it is a Christian book, but certainly not to an overwhelming and disagreeable point, spiritualizing everything. But down to practical and normal life and choices. Very very healthy reading material I would recommend. It gives so much insight for own stance and opinion. And maybe even your husband. I am halfway through but already nearly every page I read has merit to understanding on so many things.
 
I totally agree with you about talking about things, not hiding, and sweeping feelings under the carpet to ease the common ground and comfortability you want to find in your life, it is so important.
Secrecy should not be there.
But in the intimacy of your home itself it is so extremely important that same value is being searched because that creates openness and honesty and total acceptance.
Yesterday we were talking about something, and it just struck me ( 😉 again) how much I love my husband. It was about this very subject. And you know…when I listened to him while he was talking, I felt it so intense deep how far a way (= not away!!) Dutchman had to go (like he described frequently) fully aware I was the reason he had to go to where he and I are now, and I know I just couldn’t have found my way without him, sticking to me wanting to go with me but not losing himself in the process while he almost did.
But it basically was never really about that he wanted me not to be ashamed and find self-esteem and trust in who I could be, because that I knew and he did as well, as a fact. But it was more that we had to find peace ourselves first. To address core worthwhile values that were important to obtain in the total personality one is and want to be, before we could reach where it could be on a point where we wanted to be in growing together again.
 
Well, I hope and wish you all the best.
Sam

SamanthaNL, than you for sharing your story and feelings.
I've learned that my wife is a lesbian just a week ago, but she now insists to have sex with other women as the only way forward for our marriage to work. These are devastating news to me (having sex with other people, not that she likes women).
She does not mind having sex with me though, after the stress of the situation subsides. Probably.
I'm not sure I'm in a position to convince her to stay monogamous with me.

Do you have any advice for me or her which could at least let her reconsider her position? That she's not a victim? That she can really make this choice to stay with me and that this is not denying her feelings? Is there anything I can say to make her really think about the situation?

I'm really devastated at the moment, thank you for your time.