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June 24, 2020 7:28 am  #1

I watched my (ex) husband's transitioning

I moved to Sweden 10 yrs ago to my then boyfriend. Two years after that we got married. We really didn't have problems, I was getting used to living in a new country and learning the language. He was younger than me but we got a long quite well because we had the same hobbies and all. He was, a very good person.

7 yrs into our relationship he quit his job and searched for a new one saying he was so depressed and wasn't happy. Then he had eating disorder, he was already quite thin to begin with. This made me so worried and I did my best to support him. I always knew he could accept a person as they are and gender was not an issue. So basically he called himself a Bi, even though he didn't have any such experience before. And I was saying to myself how nice this was. to be able to love without restrictions. I was OK with this as long as he loved me "now".

During his treatment for eating disorder, as I am interested in psychology, I knew there was a reason behind it and that it's a coping mechanism. I noticed his interest in buying female clothing. He started with buying short skirts and started trying them at home. I wanted to see how it went and let him do what he wanted. I am an open minded person, I can cope with things. Yes, I thought.

Then he started buying more and more openly female clothes, painting his nails. His hair was already long and I liked that. And now he was styling it.
I said to myself "OK now, it's time to think. This is not something I want." Then we openly talked about it. How he was thinking. This period took around 3-4 months I guess and I got angry, felt deceived (because I deceived myself and didn't see the flags). I decided to divorce and he had very hard time understanding why. He even said he still loved me and I could accept him as "she" is. I couldn't move out quick even thought I had saved money. I had to wait for my apartment for 9 months and I was forced to watch his transitioning. I went through him coming to my room every day showing newly matched clothes, his make up, hair, nails. I almost feel disgusted of my own femininity and only wore slack pants, sloppy t-shirts and wore no makeup.

I was proud that I accepted the reality and moved on. But the problem is now after 3 yrs I realized that actually by remaining friends with him to "support" was a double edged sword and it prevented me from experiencing my own grief. I was already struggling with anxiety issues all my life, from time to time and now I got diagnosed by mild depression.
Now I want to address my emotions with this situation and stop being friends with him. I think it's time to really think about myself.


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