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1 of 1- OutofHisCloset
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CD/TG Seeing him in women's clothes
Dear Fellow Shitstorm Troopers (to borrow a phrase from Sham),
I'm in a position in which I would like to continue to live at home with my CDing/TGed huband for another year or so while I get several ducks in a row. But I need to be able to say this. I'm venting, I guess, because if I don't I'll blow up, and I need to protect myself in stealth mode as long as I can.
I don't know how much background I need to give. Eighteen months ago my husband told me he believed he was transgendered, and began to give rein to his desire to be a woman by wearing women's clothes and shaving his body hair. Initially he told me he planned to go whole hog, to come out and live as (if he were) a woman (and I said I would divorce him), but he later drew back from that plan, saying he didn't "feel like a woman in a man's body" but was instead what the psychologists define as autogynephilic (a man who knows he is a man but is unhappy in a man's body and as a man and derives sexual pleasure from feminizing himself), and he therefore intended to express his desire only in private, while continuing to be a man in public, which means at work (we work in the same building, in the same department). He said he was still in love with me, wanted to stay married, and wanted to continue to have sex with me (and why not? he could get a super sexual high from imagining himself as a woman while actually having sex).
I decided to give it a try and a chance.
The situation, however, put tremendous stress on me in lots of ways, both in keeping his secret and having to bear the burden of his expression (I've since come out of his closet, although I haven't outed him publicly). But I still bear the burden of his expression. He is a man publicly, deriving all the respect at work he has always enjoyed, partly because he is a man (which as a woman who has had to push her way past all the many and daily attempts to diminish me for my femaleness frosts me to no end), but when he comes home at night, he wants to indulge himself in acting and dressing like a woman. In short, he benefits both at home and at work, while I carry the burden all day of knowing what I know and not being able to say anything about it, all the while I myself am working in a male dominated profession, and then coming home to be hit between the eyes with a disorienting and unwanted new reality, while he comes home to revel in expressing the urge he's suppressed all day.
What he said to me about being autogynephilic, that it is a sexuality, which means he derives pleasure from doing things that make him feel feminized, and that because it is primarily a sexuality felt as sexual pleasure, he believed that expressing and satisfying this desire in the bedroom would be sufficient for him, is no longer the case.
After a year and a half of seeing my husband in women's clothes only when we are having sex, he has now begun wearing women's nightgowns/loungewear in the morning before he goes to work. He says he needs the "comfort" he feels in wearing women's clothes, because the stress of living as a male all day is so great.
I hate it. I hate it because it makes me realize the ground has shifted, and in ways with enormous consequences.
I was always gobsmacked by his original declaration that he wanted to be a woman, further gobsmacked when I found myself able to respond sexually to him when he was in women's lingerie (or otherwise acting out his desire to act in feminine ways in bed). I have felt torn in half: even while we are gratifying each other sexually I am saddened to see him acting out his desire to be a woman; I want to be with a man who likes his maleness (and I don't mean acts "masculine"; I mean likes his male body and his male self and his heterosexuality). I'm someone who has learned she is "flexible," but I'm hetero, and to have a husband who has to imagine himself a woman to have sex with me (while imagining we are both lesbians) has taught me our sexualities aren't fully compatible--and he has decided that his orientation requires he define the terms. Despite his often telling me that he's "multiple," it's been clear for some time that he's "singular" when it comes to sex.
But as long as what he was doing was confined to our bed (or when I wasn't around), I could believe that he would be satisfied expressing this feeling of his in a limited way, and with me.
But this is no longer the case.
And I think the thing that is so hurtful and distressing about his wearing clothes at all times and all around the house is that I realize he is willing to act on his desire without me. If wearing women's clothes didn't mean so much to him, I could say, oh, it's only clothes, who cares? Women have worn pants for years. But when he wears women's clothes it's not because they are comfortable; it's because they're women's, and he derives a sexual thrill from that, whether low level or intense. So seeing him lounging around in the morning is like watching your partner fondling himself in full view of you, knowing you're watching and not caring.
Just one more hurt to add to the basket full of them, one more straw on the camel's already broken back (I do plan on divorce), but a hurt, a rejection, that is particularly painful. I imagine it's akin to what you spouses of those who've come out as homosexual feel: a rejection pretty damned deep.
OK. Thanks.
- Daryl
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Re: CD/TG Seeing him in women's clothes
Vent away, we know the importance. Here's hoping you get those ducks organized asap. I would suggest you decide on two things, the ideal situation and the minimum threshold where it's better to just go for it than live another minute in your spouses "girly-town" world.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- Judy
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Re: CD/TG Seeing him in women's clothes
I don't think continuing to live with him is going to be worth any sort of gain. It's bizarre, hurtful and disturbing to you. Get out of it. Sorry. The only way to heal is to break free and clean. I wish you clarity and courage moving forward.
- Judy
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Re: CD/TG Seeing him in women's clothes
Daryl Daryl Daryl, that's my ex's name and it's spelled just like yours 
Every time I see you post, I shiver shake and hurl. What is your middle name? I'm gonna use your initials in my mind's eye - Please take this is as funny - I don't mean to be anything but that. What are the odd's? Few with this spelling as well.
Daryl wrote:
Vent away, we know the importance. Here's hoping you get those ducks organized asap. I would suggest you decide on two things, the ideal situation and the minimum threshold where it's better to just go for it than live another minute in your spouses "girly-town" world.
Last edited by Judy (October 1, 2016 6:41 pm)
- Daryl
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Re: CD/TG Seeing him in women's clothes
Daryl Daryl Daryl, that's my ex's name and it's spelled just like yours
I don't meet a lot of people with the same spelling either although I did run into a guy on Facebook with the same first and last name as me and spelling. That was weird.
If it helps, I definitely don't lounge around in women's clothes!
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- Judy
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Re: CD/TG Seeing him in women's clothes
Never saw my Daryl in women's clothes. He's Gay or Bi but not a cross dresser.
Daryl Daryl Daryl, that's my ex's name and it's spelled just like yours
I don't meet a lot of people with the same spelling either although I did run into a guy on Facebook with the same first and last name as me and spelling. That was weird.
If it helps, I definitely don't lounge around in women's clothes!
- Judy
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Re: CD/TG Seeing him in women's clothes
I can tell you mine lies like I breathe. He's smooth. When caught, he can whip up another lie about anything in a blink. Mine can't discern the difference anymore between what's real and what's imagined because of it. He chooses to lie about things that don't matter!
I worked to save mine as well. One day I thought what the hell am I saving here? I do think this means we were committed to begin with and that we are decent people. We can be proud of that! We just didn't have a partner that was the same way.
Something to consider:
While I was getting all my financial ducks in a row, my husband was fired.
He was fired for lying. Imagine that. He's been lying for so long that I am beginning to believe that he is no longer capable of telling the truth. (He had a good job, with a salary that I don't think he will ever match. My child support will be nothing, until he finds a job).
My point is that waiting did not help my ducks get in a row. The only thing that the past 10 months have allowed me is the time to realize that I truly did everything in my power to save this marriage. It wasn't possible.
JK
- Rob
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Re: CD/TG Seeing him in women's clothes
They do say..here? It's not TGT that the ruined the marriage but the lies and betrayal.
Mine post divorce is still lying. ..like she is trying to erase the past. Problem is there are kids there and a divorce decree that prove we were married and she liked men..and me.. but she can spin some lie about that also.. I don't believe a thing she says..anything no matter how small is questionable. During her cheating she would lie straight to my face. Following the divorce complaint then she took off her rings and it was overnight outings every weekend.. all with a clear conscious.
Since my ex has proven herself to be a narcissist. .if their lips are moving they are lying. Make no mistake they have a clear conscious when saying any lie.
Not something you or I could do.
Sociopaths, narcissists...it matters little..not what we want to be married to.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- whatasham24
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Re: CD/TG Seeing him in women's clothes
Dear OOHC,
I totally understand where you are coming from with the dichotomy of being stealth & planning & having to suffer silently thru the visuals, tension & chaos. I'll say this, I tried setting boundaries when we were still a couple, no mention of divorce yet. I thought a mutual agreement on how much time would be spent en femme could please both of us & create balance. It never works. They move the goal posts as u have mentioned & now, since the cat's out of the bag for him, the addiction becomes their primary drive instead of a side gig. He'll likely spend more money on it as well. Watch the accounts!
You've obviously worked thru all sorts of compromises & scenarios with him to make it work and you've concluded it doesn't. You have been more than supportive & generous. He has not given back what u have put in. (They never are as equally respectful, they keep taking & taking until there's not even a bit of respect left for them).
I am in a different position as I am not financially independent because of my health & disability at the moment, so perhaps that is what drives me in the "stay put, get organized & be stealth" attitude instead of what some suggest as "bail & save yourself" . What gets me thru being stealth & biting my tongue (when somedays I just want to run away with just a suitcase of clothes or scream & yell at him and completely blow my lawyer's cover) is that I find great strength knowing that I am secretly planning freedom, power & independence. It's weirdly cathartic knowing he hasn't a bloody clue how truly strong & smart I really am, especially since he (and all married Cd/TG's) are so damn secretive, conniving & *think* they're stealth). It's like I'm having the last laugh. I refuse to let him drain any more of me, my spirit & my strength than he already has for the last 25 yrs. He obviously counted on me being as beat down & insecure as I have been for the last 10 years.
At the VERY least, you need to get to a lawyer, have it documented the date of "seperation", so that you are safe financially from baring any of his potential financial consequences in the coming months, before a divorce is started or finalized. When you have some clearer answers from the lawyer about how this will all go down & where you can expect to be financially, you'll then have the confidence to make an exiting strategy & most important, tell HIM how it's going to go down, what you will NOT put up with anymore and if that means he has to rent an apartment so he has the freedom to lounge around 24/7 on his free time in chiffon & knickers, then that's what he'll have to do. But have a clear picture from the lawyer first because as I've said before, when u change the rules on them, they get really pissed, greedy & devious financially.
And come here and rant all you like, if it gives you "stealth strength"!
Also, he has come back with the "I'm not actually TG as it turns out & I want to stay married" because he realizes how fucking amazing he has it & all that cake he gets to eat with you on his side, within reach (where he can keep an eye on you). He may even have already consulted legal advice or gone online to check out spousal support etc & run some quick numbers in his head about where he'd ACTUALLY be financially after divorce. His amping up the lounging attire is a clear indication how little regard he has for your feelings & sanity, so plan, plan, plan!!! Start the process of freedom from his chaos & moving closer to being what makes you happy & authentic in a relationship that makes you sing, instead of shrivel up.
Cheers to you OOHC! xxx
Sham
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: CD/TG Seeing him in women's clothes
Sham,
Thanks for the advice and the support. I need both and will heed your advice.
What I realized this morning is that while he was having a hard week at work, with no time to lounge around in the morning in girl duds, he was planning all along that come Saturday he'd spend it "communing with his inner woman" to make up for it. And that's what he did, from his morning dressing to his "domestic chores" (he likes to vacuum en femme) to listening to soulful music and watching tv last night to see the strong women characters he says feed his inner woman. All this over spending any time interacting with me, unless I wanted to share his activities and on his terms.
I realized today that watching him get his morning pleasure en femme is like seeing him diddle himself in front of me, but at the same time it's *also* like watching him have a great little morning chat with the extra woman he's brought into the house. Either way, I'm excluded.
At least I've gone from making the pro/con list of reasons to stay to asking myself, "Why on earth would I stay?" There are moments when I'm unbelievably sad about losing my male spouse; the sense of loss is tremendous and makes me ache, but there are also moments I look forward to a life that isn't defined by this through-the-looking-glass world I'm living in now. Just the thought that there will come a time when I can live normally again gives me optimism.
Cheers to you, too, and lots of "stealth strength."
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