LostAndConfused wrote:

I am trying to let my growing rage eat up the feelings of hurt and loss. He is not a good person, and yet I'm kicking myself mentally for thinking that he was. Even with all this, there's a tiny part of me that still misses him and the plans that we made, and that is frustrating. I'm hoping that will fade soon.

I'm glad I found this website, as what happened wasn't just a standard breakup, and I'm having so many conflicted emotions.

I'm so familiar with this that I feel like I could have written it myself not long ago. It's a cycle. You'll feel rage, then grief, love, and then find yourself right back at rage again. Then it will repeat. It does get better eventually as long as you can avoid getting involved again. It's one of the reasons so many of us advise low or no contact. It keeps you stuck in the suck if you don't. I'd urge caution about correcting any misperceptions. You have a right but it can be easy to get carried away and gossips will do what they do best and before you know it you have an ugly mess on your hands that could threaten your livelihood. If you can pull it off, take it in from anyone dishing gossip, give a nonchalant laugh, say 'oh, is that what he told you?' and change the subject. Let him live with his lies and get on with your healing without him. You'll be better off in the long run. Keep your head up!

I'll check out Chump Lady today.

I'm not looking to "out" him at work, and I like the suggestion to just say "Is THAT what he told you?" Maybe smirk a little once I get my composure back.

I've been extremely low contact and as much as I want to storm into his place and let loose all my hurt and sadness and anger and shock and surprise, I also never want to see or hear him again.

I'm trying to convince myself that this is the best outcome, because finding out now and not after I moved in or got married IS the best outcome, but I still miss the person he portrayed to me. I miss our daily routines and him holding me all night long. I miss joking with him or watching our favorite shows or talking politics or history or anything else you can imagine. I'm angry at him for creating this situation.


One of my friends is feeling guilty now because of how much she encouraged me to go out with him because I wasn't looking to date anyone when he asked me out originally.

I'm still struggling with feeling like none of it was real, like I was in some sort of dream world that slid into a nightmare and I don't know up from down.

I am glad to read other stories of people saying that it gets better  because it gives me hope.

I'm not looking to out him at work, and he finally talked to me but he's claiming that he wanted to dump me anyway and said that he wanted to be friends. (He had been acting loving right up until the moment I discovered the site). I told him he put on a damn good act but that there was no way I was going to be friends with him, and that I hated him for lying to me and leading me on. He could not answer me when I asked him why he would lead me on, but I never expected him to answer that. He did finally admit that he is bi and claimed that I didn't understand. I told him I didn't dump him because he was bi, it was because he cheated on me and lied to me, and that open Honest bi people have been capable of having monogamous relationships, but that was information that should be shared and not used as an excuse to cheat. He then admitted that his daughter's mother left him for the same reason I did, even though he had told me that she cheated on him and ran off. I have concerns that he's going to say the same kind of thing about me now in order to keep his cover.

I'm glad to be away from him, especially after him changing up from wanting me to move in one day and now trying to backpedal and act like I never meant anything now that he's been caught.

I will hate him forever but now he's probably going to do this to another woman, and although I know logically that she's got this same hurt coming, I can't help but feeling bad that he would just ditch me and move on to the next one, but I suppose that makes him a bit of a narcissist. I don't need that in my life at all, but this whole thing has been a huge shock. Going to take a long time to recover.

I also can't believe that he wanted to be friends. He seemed genuinely upset when I told him that I was going to hate him and that we were not going to be friends ever.

You are right describing it as a hologram, I was in love with the person that he put forward, the fake person that he gave me. I feel really duped, I suppose finding out you were living a lie does that.

Last edited by LostAndConfused (June 15, 2020 7:42 pm)

Thank you for the encouragement. I'm still having trouble reconciling how ecstatically happy he seemed to be, always calling and texting and telling me how much he missed me when we weren't together. He told everybody how happy he was with me and how well I treated him. Still having a lot of mental trouble reconciling that kind of nearly overwhelming loving Behavior with someone who tried to hook up with a guy. I remember our first date, he must have spent at least $150 on the dinner and dessert and drinks. I remember him sitting beside me and just holding my hand. He looked at me with what looked like amazement that I wanted to be there with him, and told me that he'd been waiting 13 years just to be able to hold my hand. It didn't seem fake at all. Maybe he was interested in me but he's also a lying cheat because he tried to cheat on me with a man, and he did it 13 + years ago when his daughter's mother left him for the same reason so I'm trying to use that as something that proves thats this would have happened eventually and it really wasn't anything I could have done to stop it, and that it was only a matter of time before it happened, and that I was only in love with the front he put on.


I'm so angry that he made me live his lie and love his hologram.

Last edited by LostAndConfused (June 15, 2020 10:18 pm)

I'm still processing the amount of garbage he had planned.

During our conversation last night I asked him why he kept telling me that he wanted to have a child with me.

He said that he lost the chance at a relationship with his two other children (two different mothers, he couldn't hold straight relationships together even back then, his older child is 24, and at least one of the two mothers left because they found out he was sleeping with men) and he would have stayed with me if I got pregnant so he could be in that child's life.

How messed up is that? He was actively thinking about using me as an incubator without my knowledge so that he could have a re-do since he lost the relationships with his other children's mothers. He probably would have happily continued this sham for a while yet. Now he just seems cold and detached and he tried to make it my fault but he couldn't come up with any real reasons that it was my fault.

I feel sick. Hugs to you who got further into this kind of situation than I did and I appreciate your support.