OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
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- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Newbie in Pain
tabby wrote:
Leaving is not an option at this time.....Thank you.
Tabby...I tried for 3 years to see away past the dishonesty, the secrets. We all have to come to a place where we are, as individuals, comfortable with our choice to stay and make it work, or decide the work needed was too one-sided, the advantages also. There are a couple of members here who will have advice for you on nurturing a MOM.
My own emotions, good sense and set of core values have shown me I can never live in one. But just as no-one made up my mind for me...I can't choose for you so you have to read, listen, research and look deep within yourself for the answers
Elle
KIA KAHA
- MJM017
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Re: Newbie in Pain
Hi tabby,
A MOM is something you really really want to do out of love for each other. It sounds like you think you have no way out.
He recently had a affair behind your back. He has to be lucid & ambulatory to pull that off. Is it only his opinion that he needs a nurse or does an MD agree? Then he’s shy & gentle, but a cheater.
Don’t answer the above here. You know your feelings & situation best.
The pieces you describe don’t fit together. For most of us on the other boards, the pieces didn’t until the spouse cheated or the continual lies made us mad as h3ll & we weren’t going to take it anymore.
Again, you never have to stay. There are many past posts on this board (& other boards, too) which may help you to discern what is best.
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- tabby
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Re: Newbie in Pain
Well, I can't prove physical infidelity. An emotional affair did take place, which I experienced as painful.
My goal is to find inner peace apart from my husband's behavior. Only then can I take any steps.
I really would like to hear from others who make this kind of marriage work.
From the responses, it seems that everyone on this forum gets divorced eventually, which makes me very sad.
Is there a forum thread to talk to the gay/bi spouse in an MOM?
Thank you.
- •
Thread Starter- Dutchman
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Re: Newbie in Pain
Hi Tabby,
your assumption that everybody on this forum gets divorced is not correct, it certainly doesn't apply to me/us. Married for 35 years and 15 years after disclosure. In a happy (monogamous) relation with my lesbian wife and neither of us struggling. Though at times it was a rocky road to get there. It takes two to tango and a lot of sense and willpower to go for the marriage to overcome the unavoidable troubles and problems this situation will certainly throw at both.
You ask about partaking of the gay/bi spouse in the discussions, and by accident this was something I was just talking about with my wife recently. How it really could be beneficial to also read about it from her point of view, how our successful MOM came about and also works out long term. I was a bit uncertain about this, given this is the "Straight Spouse forum". But in this section of the forum I think it could well be a valuable addition for others to also hear more (and directly) about her side of the story. Your question confirms that to me, so I will ask "dutchwoman" to contribute to the discussion. (to anyone: please let me (or admin) know if you have objections to this idea).
So if it's okay, I'll ask my wife to introduce herself to this forum, and let's see where it goes from there. 
Last edited by Dutchman (June 22, 2020 8:47 am)
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Newbie in Pain
.......so I will ask "dutchwoman" to contribute to the discussion. (to anyone: please let me (or admin) know if you have objections to this idea)......
I object.
This is a straightspouse Forum.
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (June 22, 2020 9:17 pm)
KIA KAHA
- tabby
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Re: Newbie in Pain
If the comments are contained within the MOM thread, it seems like it would be appropriate to hear from the other spouse.
- •
Thread Starter- OneDayAtATime
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Re: Newbie in Pain
One idea would be to write out your needs. Things like “to be loved as passionately as he loved that younger guy” and “sex with someone who is attracted to you.” Then negotiate an open marriage. He used to go on a date once a week. You could be allowed the same. Can he go a few hours alone, or would you actually have to hire a caregiver to get away?
If he rejected the gay lifestyle early on, and wanted a wife, sounds like he made some huge decisions without telling you... namely, that the gay lifestyle was what he really is excited about, but he decided to forsake his excitement for the comfort and safety of a “normal” marriage... thus condemning you to having a shell of a spouse who can’t give you passion and love, just companionship at best. He wasn’t considering your needs for love, excitement and intimacy.
If you make an agreement to have an open marriage, be careful who you trust your heart with. There are a lot of sharks out there who would love to just use you for sex (sounds good after no passionate sex for so long right) and they aren’t the ones worthy of your love. But maybe you can meet someone who knows what it’s like to be married to a neglectful or narcissistic spouse and is as caring and supportive as you.
- Dutchman
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Re: Newbie in Pain
I can assure my wife fully understands how difficult it can be for the straight spouse. She has seen first hand how it impacted me, so she knows very well. She also has no intention to defend or excuse any bad behaviour of gay/bi/lesbian spouses, just because she herself isn't straight. And so she wouldn't want her presence to cause straight spouses to feel they have to hold back on expressing their hurt and anger about what is done to them.
The "strategies for MOM's" section aims to be of help to work towards a successful MOM. But this is not just in the power of the straight spouse to achieve. Both spouses have to be really committed to make it work. And if a couple wants to go for a monogamous relation, I think it's unavoidable the gay/bi spouse has to find a constructive way in life with his/hers sexual orientation. (Sexual orientation itself won't change, and a life long struggle also isn't a very appealing prospect). The personal experience of my wife and lessons learned over the years, can be helpful for that part of the "successful MOM's strategy".
I hope this takes away possible objections and/or concerns.
- TangledOil
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Re: Newbie in Pain
Dutchman,
I don’t object at all. I’d be open to hearing her side.
tabby,
My husband and I are in a MOM. He told me he recently realized and accepted that he’s bi and told me 6 months ago. We plan to remain married and monogamous. We talked about opening the marriage, but I couldn’t wrap my head around that idea and he’s okay with that... he understands. He also feels that his desires to be with a man sexually must not be as strong as others desires because he’s never been tempted to actually act on it in the 28 years we’ve been together.
if you’d like to talk privately please message me.
Edited ... he thought he may need to try being with a man that's how this all came up in conversation. As an afterthought I felt I should add that info.
Last edited by TangledOil (June 23, 2020 5:21 pm)