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Well, I can't prove physical infidelity. An emotional affair did take place, which I experienced as painful.
My goal is to find inner peace apart from my husband's behavior. Only then can I take any steps.
I really would like to hear from others who make this kind of marriage work.
From the responses, it seems that everyone on this forum gets divorced eventually, which makes me very sad.
Is there a forum thread to talk to the gay/bi spouse in an MOM?
Thank you.
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Hi Tabby,
your assumption that everybody on this forum gets divorced is not correct, it certainly doesn't apply to me/us. Married for 35 years and 15 years after disclosure. In a happy (monogamous) relation with my lesbian wife and neither of us struggling. Though at times it was a rocky road to get there. It takes two to tango and a lot of sense and willpower to go for the marriage to overcome the unavoidable troubles and problems this situation will certainly throw at both.
You ask about partaking of the gay/bi spouse in the discussions, and by accident this was something I was just talking about with my wife recently. How it really could be beneficial to also read about it from her point of view, how our successful MOM came about and also works out long term. I was a bit uncertain about this, given this is the "Straight Spouse forum". But in this section of the forum I think it could well be a valuable addition for others to also hear more (and directly) about her side of the story. Your question confirms that to me, so I will ask "dutchwoman" to contribute to the discussion. (to anyone: please let me (or admin) know if you have objections to this idea).
So if it's okay, I'll ask my wife to introduce herself to this forum, and let's see where it goes from there.
Last edited by Dutchman (June 22, 2020 8:47 am)
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Dutchman wrote:
.......so I will ask "dutchwoman" to contribute to the discussion. (to anyone: please let me (or admin) know if you have objections to this idea)......
I object.
This is a straightspouse Forum.
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (June 22, 2020 9:17 pm)
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If the comments are contained within the MOM thread, it seems like it would be appropriate to hear from the other spouse.
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One idea would be to write out your needs. Things like “to be loved as passionately as he loved that younger guy” and “sex with someone who is attracted to you.” Then negotiate an open marriage. He used to go on a date once a week. You could be allowed the same. Can he go a few hours alone, or would you actually have to hire a caregiver to get away?
If he rejected the gay lifestyle early on, and wanted a wife, sounds like he made some huge decisions without telling you... namely, that the gay lifestyle was what he really is excited about, but he decided to forsake his excitement for the comfort and safety of a “normal” marriage... thus condemning you to having a shell of a spouse who can’t give you passion and love, just companionship at best. He wasn’t considering your needs for love, excitement and intimacy.
If you make an agreement to have an open marriage, be careful who you trust your heart with. There are a lot of sharks out there who would love to just use you for sex (sounds good after no passionate sex for so long right) and they aren’t the ones worthy of your love. But maybe you can meet someone who knows what it’s like to be married to a neglectful or narcissistic spouse and is as caring and supportive as you.
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I can assure my wife fully understands how difficult it can be for the straight spouse. She has seen first hand how it impacted me, so she knows very well. She also has no intention to defend or excuse any bad behaviour of gay/bi/lesbian spouses, just because she herself isn't straight. And so she wouldn't want her presence to cause straight spouses to feel they have to hold back on expressing their hurt and anger about what is done to them.
The "strategies for MOM's" section aims to be of help to work towards a successful MOM. But this is not just in the power of the straight spouse to achieve. Both spouses have to be really committed to make it work. And if a couple wants to go for a monogamous relation, I think it's unavoidable the gay/bi spouse has to find a constructive way in life with his/hers sexual orientation. (Sexual orientation itself won't change, and a life long struggle also isn't a very appealing prospect). The personal experience of my wife and lessons learned over the years, can be helpful for that part of the "successful MOM's strategy".
I hope this takes away possible objections and/or concerns.
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Dutchman,
I don’t object at all. I’d be open to hearing her side.
tabby,
My husband and I are in a MOM. He told me he recently realized and accepted that he’s bi and told me 6 months ago. We plan to remain married and monogamous. We talked about opening the marriage, but I couldn’t wrap my head around that idea and he’s okay with that... he understands. He also feels that his desires to be with a man sexually must not be as strong as others desires because he’s never been tempted to actually act on it in the 28 years we’ve been together.
if you’d like to talk privately please message me.
Edited ... he thought he may need to try being with a man that's how this all came up in conversation. As an afterthought I felt I should add that info.
Last edited by TangledOil (June 23, 2020 5:21 pm)
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Dutchman, I don't object either. I've read all your posts and would love to hear your wife's feelings about things. I admire the way you're working on things, and the way you think. I've printed some of your posts and read them to my bi husband.
Tabby,
We're also in a MOM. It hasn't been as long as Dutchman, but sure hope we'll get there! D-day was June 1, 2019. I actually found he was 'searching' for men 3/18 (didn't know he'd been doing this since he was in boy scouts and never quit until 2nd D-day Nov 24, 2019, when he added a lot more names). So, we've been going through a lot of hard times since then. A LOT of LOUD discussions. They aren't as loud anymore (well, we had one last night, but it was the first time in awhile and wasn't about the cheating, but his attitude, which has been harder to get past lately than the cheating), and not as frequent. It's taking honesty, honesty, honesty and lots & lots of talking. My husband is not real happy right now with the 'talking', but it's been rather negative lately.
We also read a lot of books (the first ones were all on aftermath of affairs, not bisexuality, etc). There aren't many out there about successful MOM's. I had to look really hard for that. Found a really good article on it titled " I'm a gay man, happily married to a woman. And I'm not the only one." I wish I knew what the web site was. I think I clicked on a link on one of the threads in the MOM's section....but, don't know where ...sorry.
Best thing I can think of is don't give up easily, as long as he's willing to try, too. It DOES take both of you to make it work.
Best of luck and (((((HUGS)))))).
Last edited by SusanneH (June 23, 2020 4:21 pm)
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Well, my wife posted her first topic today. She found it not easy to just write along without some more concrete subject or question to repond to. She's more of a question-answer type.