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1 - HoldingOn
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I'm straight, hes bi. Its been a rough, sad year
Hi everyone,
After a lot of reading and trying to process I think its probably time to reach out for a little advice, encouragement, anything. I think I just need someone to process this with?
I have been married to my husband for 15 years. we have 3 beautiful kids together, successful careers, lots of friends, we travel...realty happy together. the whole nine yards. Until about a year ago, he confided in me his bisexual, and while he loves me, and wants to keep our family together, there is a need in him that he cant deny anymore. He's asked for an open marriage. Possibly looking at polyamory.
I love him with all my heart, and it completely devastated me on 2 levels.. one for him, for holding in to a secret that he was terrified to share, and 2, that he thinks this desire is so strong that he needs to explore it. In the beginning, he told me he'd never pursue any other relations without my consent.
My heart is so torn...I have told him I would do anything to help him find the happiness in life he needs and deserves. I told him he should explore it...safely...because how else would he know what he wants?
So here we are, a year later and he has had a "poly" relationship with a man for about 6 months. I am trying SO hard to be supportive of what he needs...and when he's home, I'm usually ok but its when he goes away for a day, or an overnight, I am having a really hard time convincing myself that I'm comfortable with it all.
Deep down in my heart I want this to work out. I've even met his other partner..he's very nice and supportive. I guess I'm just looking for advice...can my heart stop hurting? Am I just lying to myself that I can do this? My head really wants to try but my heart needs some coping skills I guess...No one else knows about any of this, none of my friends, family... Its so isolating and lonely. Reading these threads have really helped.
If you make it this far in my post, thank you for reading! Just thought maybe someone out there might have a similar story?
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: I'm straight, hes bi. Its been a rough, sad year
HoldingOn...welcome to our Forum.
First things first...if you don't confide in somebody, if you keep it to yourself it will do horrible things to your self-esteem, your confidence and the way you see your future. Just because your husband probably doesn't want people to know about his bisexuality...shouldn't mean you have to hold it inside. Find somebody you know will keep your confidence or look for a counselor. This will never be fair on you...this will ALWAYS be balanced in 'his' favor.
If you click on my name and look through my profile to the link of all my posts you can read my story (go back to the first post in 2017!)..from the time my bisexual partner of 32 years told me he wanted to 'explore' with men...to today. My life has changed quite a bit
We're ALL here to help 
Elle
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (May 16, 2020 2:09 pm)
KIA KAHA
- Daryl
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Re: I'm straight, hes bi. Its been a rough, sad year
Agreed, keeping secrets gives you no outlet.
I would add that it is not selfish to decide you also have needs.
He wanted to change the dynamic in your relationship, and you agreed, but it's not an unbreakable commitment. It's been six months, you are allowed to reevaluate your position after giving it a try.
One of our posters, Kel, had a great signature line - "You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm."
Be kind to yourself.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- HoldingOn
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Re: I'm straight, hes bi. Its been a rough, sad year
Thank you both for your kind input. It’s nice to feel validated.. especially when this is such bizarre uncharted territory for me, I will seek out counseling again when all this covid stuff winds down. We went to a therapist together right after he came out to me last year and it was a terrible fit.. she told us we have no other option but to separate. It just made us both feel guilty and terrible and we never went back.
I’m the kind of person that would literally do anything to make people feel comfortable and happy. It isn’t natural to even think about my feelings, but I know I have to If this is ever going to work. My honest worry is he’ll sense my fears and reservations as me telling him this is a hard no, and he’ll completely go back into hiding about who he is and pretend he’s happy with just me. That’s the last thing I want.
I don’t think there’s an easy solution for any of us any way you look at it. Thank you Daryl for that fire quote... that’s powerful and resonated pretty deep with me!
- •
Thread Starter- MJM017
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Re: I'm straight, hes bi. Its been a rough, sad year
Hi HoldingOn,
Welcome!
I didn’t have a bisexual husband, but this situation would make me feel unmoored. I want monogamy with a straight husband & would leave.
We are not all the same though. Are you giving him an unlimited amount of time to explore his attraction to men? You’ll have to accept your discomfort & live with that while he has romances with men.
I’d suggest being honest with him about your unease and your fears he will closet himself again if you express your feelings to him. Honesty is refreshing. Keeping your thoughts to yourself won’t help either of you.
Take care & hope things work out for you.
PS I like Kel’s signature too. Thanks for posting it, Daryl! I’m going to take it for myself.
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: I'm straight, hes bi. Its been a rough, sad year
HoldingOn wrote:
...... We went to a therapist together right after he came out to me last year and it was a terrible fit.. she told us we have no other option but to separate. It just made us both feel guilty and terrible and we never went back.
You need a therapist....for you. You're already in an open r'ship....but can't be in a healthy 'anything' r'ship unless you fully comprehend what something like an open r'ship will do to you. Not your husband....he's on his own selfish path. You need to process this...then make decisions.
I’m the kind of person that would literally do anything to make people feel comfortable and happy. It isn’t natural to even think about my feelings, but I know I have to If this is ever going to work. My honest worry is he’ll sense my fears and reservations as me telling him this is a hard no, and he’ll completely go back into hiding about who he is and pretend he’s happy with just me. That’s the last thing I want.
Start thinking about yourself, you're no good to anyone if you don't take care of yourself. Your husband needs to sense your fear, he should hear your reservations. That HE goes back into hiding should show you how easy it is for him to use you as cover for his bisexuality. He is happy with you, as long as he can fuck another man. How does that make you feel?
When my partner suggested he see other men....one of the first things I did was get tested for STIs, and continued to be tested every 3 months. The tests were all clear but it was the start of my distrust and the crumbling of our 35 year time together
I don’t think there’s an easy solution for any of us any way you look at it. Thank you Daryl for that fire quote... that’s powerful and resonated pretty deep with me!
No there is no easy solution, or easy way out....if that is what you decide. But I stress again....think about what you DON'T want in your life
Elle
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (May 16, 2020 7:20 pm)
KIA KAHA
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: I'm straight, hes bi. Its been a rough, sad year
I don't write here much because this section is for those who are committed to staying in their relationships, and I divorced my trans-identifying husband.
But, I think that as you think through your confusion and your "really hard time convincing [your]self that you're comfortable with it at all" you might benefit from the insights here:
Although it's written for those whose spouses have cheated, its lessons are widely applicable, and it speaks to and helps us sort out our confusion, hurt, and indecision.
- TangledOil
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Re: I'm straight, hes bi. Its been a rough, sad year
How are you doing, HoldingOn? I sent a message to your inbox a few days ago.
Last edited by TangledOil (May 19, 2020 2:43 pm)
- Amorgana
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Re: I'm straight, hes bi. Its been a rough, sad year
Hi holding on. Reading your post I realise how similar my story is to yours. I think I am at the start of where you must have been some months ago. My husband and I have been together over thirty years - since in our teens. We’ve got 3 kids. We are 56and 58 now. Looking forward to our future until..... he told me he needed to talk to me about his sexuality. He says he has a gay side (as well as his straight side) that he has repressed for years but needs to be his authentic self now and be open about who he is and maybe even have a relationship as well as what we have. He hopes we can stay married and together but have an open marriage I guess. I’d never even consider another partner. My husband is all I want. The thought that someone else could become his special partner other than me leaves me reeling. But I would consider it I think if we had strict boundaries and I didn’t feel second best or overwhelmed with jealousy. I don’t know if I could make that work. I actually can’t even believe I’m writing these words on this forum. I’m so devastated.
- TangledOil
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Re: I'm straight, hes bi. Its been a rough, sad year
Hi Amorgana,
I’m sorry you are going through this. I am in a similar situation, but we have decided to stay monogamous. I am pretty sure at this point in time I couldn’t handle my husband having anyone on the side. Therefore it was decided this is what is best for us. That being said, most of the stuff I’ve read says don’t make any life-changing decisions within the first year. Wishing you the best.
Last edited by TangledOil (June 4, 2020 12:11 pm)