I know what you mean. When he first announced he was gay and wanted a divorce I was almost 60 and decided immediately that that I wanted to to date. At the time I was wanting it to lead to a second marriage and I tried to figure out what kind of man I wanted - besides straight and honest.

I decided that any man in my demographic who had never been been married probably was looking for a replacement for his mother - or someone to care for her. I also would have ruled out anyone who had a series of relationships/marriages which did not last long. If I had met anyone I was interested in I would have researched him like crazy to look for red flags or information inconsistent with what he'd told me. Although my attorney had given me the green light to date though I did not find anyone appealing.

When I told a friend that I was separated and why she said that I had to meet X, a widower. She also told him that he had to meet me so he looked me up. As I finalized the financial part of my divorce I realized  that I did not want to remarry. I'm in the U.S. and I knew from caring for my parents that a husband's medical needs could wipe out my financial security if he were to need to go into a nursing home and receive Medicaid. Not marrying also has the benefit of not acquiring resentful adult step-children. Although many couples eventually move in together we still have our own houses and the downside during this pandemic is that we have had to socially isolate alone.

You begin to trust when everything checks out and you begin feel comfortable in the relationship. Are you apprehensive because you feel that he is trying to move forward too fast or because he wants marriage and you aren't sure that marriage is what you want? Do you feel that you can be honest with him and that he will respect your thoughts?

I hope he's everything you want. Being able to give love that is respected and reciprocated is wonderful.


 

N9,

Why is the choice marry him or let him go?  What doesn't he like,about the current relationship that marriage is somehow supposed to make better?
A implied choice like that seems a red flag.


I ask because while I am in a relationship and marriage is not something that holds any solution or answer for me right now.  I dated and was engaged to my GX for years before getting married..and that did not make any difference.
I think the answer to marry someone of not lies elsewhere than the number of years together..

Hi, Like Rob, I was friends & dated GIDXH for quite a few years before we married. I had no red flags until a year into the marriage.

Rather than lack of trust, could you just not want a commitment now, or realize the chemistry is off? Rebound boyfriends are usually there to bolster self-esteem & you move on.

If he decides to break up, there are other men for you to date.  Have fun & don’t worry.  Things will fall into place.

It will be 4 years in September since my divorce. I had a rebound guy right after the divorce. He was straight, but not a nice guy. It was a reminder that I was in no shape to date. I’ve taken time off from dating to grieve the loss of my marriage, and think about my next steps. I’m not advising you to do that. Listen to your instincts though.

Take care.