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- SusanneH
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Am I being to closed minded to want a monogamous marriage?
I found out about my H liking sex with men 2 years ago, and after searching internet, phones, etc....he finally admitted (this was after several trickle truths) to having sex with men since he was in boy scouts. So, of course, that means he'd been doing it for the 15+ years we'd been together, married 14+. I had NO idea. He treated me SO well, and our sex life was great (and, is again, though I'm a little stressed with it). He was a bachelor until we were married (he was 54 then), and had lived in an underground drug & sex filled life. He cleaned up from drugs/alcohol in 2000, and started going to AA. So, he was "living the program" of honesty, integrity, etc.
His extent of sex with men is totally sexual, not emotional at all. He only likes oral sex and prefers to 'give' than receive. He met up with the men through online dating sites, CL, local porn video store (with dark, dirty little rooms in back where they did their 'thing'), and a few odd others. He says after it's over, he can't wait to get out of there. He doesn't like spending time with the men otherwise, so that's the main reason he doesn't want to go "live the life" instead of being married. BUT, he never has, and never will like the idea of monogamy. He's doing it "for me". He said he'd be happier 'free' (not single, but 'free')....as he said in one of the workbooks we did when asked what it was like to have both the affair partner(s) and me, his answer was "the best of both worlds"....as in, to have his cake and eat it too.
This brings me to why I'm posting. He hasn't acted out in a year, and is going to try to live that way,....treat it like an addiction..One Day at a Time..... So, as his therapist said, he's giving up a large part of his life, which he is. I've read & read articles about MOM's, and most are NOT what I want in a marriage because they say the best way to make it work is to have an open marriage so the bisexual partner can fulfill his needs. The last one I read said that if the straight partner says "it's my way or the highway", insisting on monogamy, then we're setting the bisexual partner up for a slow death making them deny their needs for life. (the analogy is that if one likes to fish and the other likes to climb mountains, then we don't make them both do what they don't like....it is NOT the same.)
I'd like some opinions and maybe what you've done that has WORKED. I don't want to make my husband live a life he does NOT want. I worry that he's staying because of things like my health, age, finances (it's me that would have less), convenience, etc). I know he said he thought about it and does NOT want to live the gay life at all. But, he wants to be married and have men on the side.
thanks
- Anon2222
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Re: Am I being to closed minded to want a monogamous marriage?
You are not out of line at all. A monogamous relationship is perfectly reasonable. And the argument they aren't fulfilling their needs is BS. Would you give someone who wants to sleep with other woman a pass just because it fulfills their needs?
Cheating, whether with a woman or man, is cheating. And to want to be married and have sex on the side (whether with a man or woman) is selfish.
So, if you want a monogamous relationship and he doesn't, you have a fundamental difference of beliefs. It has nothing to do with him being bi/gay/whatever. It has to do with his wants.
Personally, I think it's a very selfish person who wants to "have their cake and eat it too".
- UserNada
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Re: Am I being to closed minded to want a monogamous marriage?
Monogamy is a major part of what a marriage is. That's what you both signed into. It is not narrow minded to want to keep what you wanted and what you agreed to do for him. Besides, sex is not without its risk to the marriage or you (STDs, jealous sex partners, lies, secrets, violence, emotional intimacy and infidelity with the 3rd party, and so on). If you and he cannot come to an agreement to change the nature of the marriage, than the marriage contract should still control both your actions until it is dissolved. If he cannot handle that, he is the one being deviant to the relationship and not supportive, not you.
- SusanneH
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Re: Am I being to closed minded to want a monogamous marriage?
Anon2222 wrote:
You are not out of line at all. A monogamous relationship is perfectly reasonable. And the argument they aren't fulfilling their needs is BS. Would you give someone who wants to sleep with other woman a pass just because it fulfills their needs?
Cheating, whether with a woman or man, is cheating. And to want to be married and have sex on the side (whether with a man or woman) is selfish.
So, if you want a monogamous relationship and he doesn't, you have a fundamental difference of beliefs. It has nothing to do with him being bi/gay/whatever. It has to do with his wants.
Personally, I think it's a very selfish person who wants to "have their cake and eat it too".
Thanks! That is exactly what I thought (and, think I said) word for word.
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Thread Starter- SusanneH
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Re: Am I being to closed minded to want a monogamous marriage?
Monogamy is a major part of what a marriage is. That's what you both signed into. It is not narrow minded to want to keep what you wanted and what you agreed to do for him. Besides, sex is not without its risk to the marriage or you (STDs, jealous sex partners, lies, secrets, violence, emotional intimacy and infidelity with the 3rd party, and so on). If you and he cannot come to an agreement to change the nature of the marriage, than the marriage contract should still control both your actions until it is dissolved. If he cannot handle that, he is the one being deviant to the relationship and not supportive, not you.
Again, you also hit the nail on the head. I just needed to hear it from someone besides inside my own head. SO much has gone on in there the last couple of years, I doubt myself sometimes when I shouldn't. After I posted this, I did more thinking, and this morning, I'm much more adamant about my reasons and that he totally disrespected me by even expecting it, knowing just how strongly I feel about it. Now, to be fair, I did bring it up after reading an article. I mentioned that SO many of them say that an open marriage is the best way. I just mentioned it.....boy, I sure wish I hadn't. But, he's said many times that he doesn't believe in monogamy *he just wants it all*. He believes in whatever makes him happy.
Well, got more thinking to do.
Last edited by SusanneH (May 1, 2020 11:27 am)
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Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Am I being to closed minded to want a monogamous marriage?
......I'd like some opinions and maybe what you've done that has WORKED. I don't want to make my husband live a life he does NOT want. I worry that he's staying because of things like my health, age, finances (it's me that would have less), convenience, etc). I know he said he thought about it and does NOT want to live the gay life at all. But, he wants to be married and have men on the side.
Susanne welcome to our Forum.
Why don't you ask your husband... "are you being unreasonable and selfish to want to live as a straight man and hide your homosexual self behind your wife?"
Ask him "why do *I* have to make the decision about what *you* want to do?
Ask him..."why do *I* have to keep *your* secret?
Elle
KIA KAHA
- TangledOil
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Re: Am I being to closed minded to want a monogamous marriage?
I think it’s completely unreasonable that he should expect to have his cake and eat it too. First of all he’s been lying to you for many years regarding his sexual orientation. A straight man would not suck on another man’s cock. He’s been putting you at risk in numerous ways. I was briefly, very briefly, considering allowing my husband to have a man on the side. I can’t believe how stupid I was for even giving it consideration. We all have desires and urges. That’s fine. They don’t all need to be acted upon. I could care less that my husband has these desires. It’s how he handles them that matters. I wish you the very best. Be strong and choose what is right for YOU. Don’t compromise yourself.
- SusanneH
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Re: Am I being to closed minded to want a monogamous marriage?
I think it’s completely unreasonable that he should expect to have his cake and eat it too. First of all he’s been lying to you for many years regarding his sexual orientation. A straight man would not suck on another man’s cock. He’s been putting you at risk in numerous ways. I was briefly, very briefly, considering allowing my husband to have a man on the side. I can’t believe how stupid I was for even giving it consideration. We all have desires and urges. That’s fine. They don’t all need to be acted upon. I could care less that my husband has these desires. It’s how he handles them that matters. I wish you the very best. Be strong and choose what is right for YOU. Don’t compromise yourself.
I'm kicking myself around the block for even considering it. I did try to consider it after all the reading I did about the successful open marriages, but not ONE scenario that I could come up with was something that I could live with. It goes against everything I believe. I also don't see how it could work out anyway. He says he'll never go behind my back....that he'd tell me ahead of time....WHAT????? I can just imagine how I'd be feeling while he was out sucking another man's dick..and, then when he came home, how in the world would I be able to kiss those same lips (yes, I know I've done it for years, but I didn't know I was doing it!!!).
Bottom line, I will NOT compromise. I've been wanting him to read these posts all day, but the opportunity hasn't arisen. ...I don't want another confrontation right now, either. We're having more trouble with those lousy "conversations" that last all day than what happened in the past....of course, that's what started it all!
Anyway, thanks for your answer. I don't always trust my instincts any more and it's good to get other opinions, even if they don't agree with mine ;).
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Thread Starter- SusanneH
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Re: Am I being to closed minded to want a monogamous marriage?
......I'd like some opinions and maybe what you've done that has WORKED. I don't want to make my husband live a life he does NOT want. I worry that he's staying because of things like my health, age, finances (it's me that would have less), convenience, etc). I know he said he thought about it and does NOT want to live the gay life at all. But, he wants to be married and have men on the side.
Susanne welcome to our Forum.
Why don't you ask your husband... "are you being unreasonable and selfish to want to live as a straight man and hide your homosexual self behind your wife?"
Actually, that's what I'm wanting, if you want to look at it that way. He wants to live a straight life (if he can) and be married. We're trying. That's why I'm posting this.
Ask him "why do *I* have to make the decision about what *you* want to do?
He's making the decision. If it's something I can live with, I'll do it. If not, he's out.
Ask him..."why do *I* have to keep *your* secret?
In the beginning, I OFFERED to keep the secret. We live in a small rural southern area. He literally would have to move away if it got out. So, I do not mind.
Thanks for your suggestions.
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Thread Starter- Leslie77
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Re: Am I being to closed minded to want a monogamous marriage?
Susanne,
It sounds to me like your husband has an addictive personality (formerly drugs and alcohol). Gay sex may be a part of that. It sounds like it has been a factor in your husband's life for many decades and that would be difficult behavior for anyone to change.
I don't think anyone writes into their marriage vows "our marriage will be monogamous" but unless you talked about an open marriage beforehand, it's implied. Also implied that you will be emotionally true to your spouse and keep that person physically and mentally safe.
Especially during this scary time of COVID-19, if your husband is having oral sex with men, he is not keeping himself, or you, safe. Based on the information in your first post, it appears you both are in the vulnerable age category. Some of the recent news has been that this virus could be active for the next two years.
I wish you the best and I hope you can work things out. It sounds like both of you are trying and that is admirable.
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