Leave as soon as you can and do not attempt to speak with him.   His activities during the pandemic are endangering your life.  Speaking with him will only "poke the bear," and you say he is volatile.  You are not going away "like a thief in the night."  You are fleeing a burning building.  When the house is burning, you don't stay inside it to talk about what started the fire.  You get out.  You will have plenty of time to talk to him later, should you decide that is necessary.  At this time, you need to get out to safety.  

Make sure your attorney is aware of his volatility and that he can be violent and listen to his or her advice. Domestic violence support resources are operating during the closures and he or she can provide you with information about them.

Everything OutofHisCloset said is true. Your most important concern must be for your safety. 

Simpatica wrote:

We have only had sex 2 times in 2020 and it wasn’t even good for him.

He is in this devious behaviour even while we are in quarantine for a pandemic which is utterly shocking. He has a very volatile personality, can be violent and gaslight as you say. 

I really can’t live like this knowing where he’s going and coming home pretending that everything is fine.

Hi Simpatica, 
Welcome to the forum.  I'm so sorry you need to be here, but I hope we can help. 
I quoted your first post above, only I saved only a few lines that stood out to me and I want to highlight those. 

So you know he is gay for 3 reasons.  First, you have an intuition that led you to seek proof.  Second, you've only had sex twice in nearly 5 months and it wasn't good.  Third, you've observed him going to a gay hangout park on the way home from work.  I would say that you have more than enough proof that your husband is gay.  So please don't stress about whether or not it is true...  it is true!

Now that you know for sure he is gay you have to decide what YOU want.   From your post you say that you can't live like this.  Not only is he cheating on you, but he is endangering your life from the STD's he will get from gay sex .. not to mention the Covid issues.  So you seem settled on the fact that you don't want to be married to him any longer.  

Now.. how to exit. 
You say that you have a lawyer..  start working on the exit plan with your lawyer.  Start collecting financial documents, understand your state's divorce laws, get a picture of what your financial situation will look like through the divorce and work out a plan.   Unless you are in physical danger, don't leave in the night.  Plan your legal "attack" and keep it all secret from him.  When the time is right you can file and have your attorney put safety motions in place to protect you physically and financially.  I wouldn't hire a private investigator unless your attorney says it will be helpful or important for your case.  I found personally that seeing the evidence was much more hurtful than simply assuming it to be true.  I already knew.. but having proof hurt so much more.  
See your psychologist (online for now) and have them help you with the upcoming change in your life. 
 

Just my advice on all of this of course. 

Please stick around and continue talking.  We are here for you. 

Wow, thank you to everyone that wrote on this thread. I feel that you've all given me great insight and advice. It's just the most amazing forum and network.
So, I am going to be organizing, packing and getting all my ducks in a row in the next week or so. I do believe this is the end and there is no turning back.
This marriage has been like a slow, agonizing death, especially now  to find out about the lies and deception. Wow, isn't it shocking to find out you are married to a reckless and devious person like this?!
Miraculously I feel full of hope and dreams and am actually very excited about my new life. I'll be moving in with my daughter who lives alone and this will be the most loving, supportive place I could possibly land.
I tend to agree with you Phoenix, that hearing or seeing what my husband is actually doing would be quite traumatic. I'll take your advice and pass on investigating any further. Thank you for that and I'm so sorry for everything you went through.
Without the tracker I put on his car, who knows how much more time I would have wasted with this man? Yes, it is a violation of his privacy but when you're dealing with a liar and a cheat you've got to ramp up your surveillance and outsmart them. There was actual relief in finding out just what he is up to (I'm not going crazy!!) and empowering to have this knowledge.
Stay strong and healthy everyone. I pray that you are all safe and healing from these devastating experiences. 
Thank you again for your support, I will keep you posted on the progress of my new beginnings.
Blessings to you all,
Angela

Another thing if you haven’t considered it is to take the bare minimum when you move out - a shopping bag or a large tote bag. Leave the rest behind.

He may confront you if he sees you loading boxes into a car. 

When the divorce is in process, get your items then. He would be breaking the law to not return your personal property.

I agree with Abby on looking at websites for or calling Domestic Violence organizations. They can give you many pointers.

Lastly, he may have installed tracking devices on your laptop and phone. Domestic violence organizations can give you resources on how to disable them. Your ISP can help you too. This may not be the case, but good to check. (You may have done this already on your own. Sorry if this is superfluous information.)

Good luck and please keep in touch. Want to make sure you left safely!!

Last edited by MJM017 (April 23, 2020 12:10 pm)