I remember when my dad finally kicked my sister out of the house. She was 27, had been living at home for almost five years following her college graduation, and clearly had no plans to leave. Why would she? She had everything: a stocked fridge; rent-free; and lots of space. My mother was dead set against kicking her out. "She doesn't have any money! She can't live alone. Let her stay for just another month!" she pleaded. My father was having none of it. He knew that living at home was actually holding her back in life. A week before moving day, my sister miraculously found a boyfriend...with a house! She moved in with him, they married, had three kids, and now live about 15 mins away from my parents. So what's my point? If I understand your situation correctly, your husband will only start swimming when thrown into the deep end. You and your kids are now his life raft and he'll drag you down to the bottom if he can. He's about to embark on the most tumultuous part of the coming out process and, believe me, you and your kids don't need to have front row seats. If he was smart enough to lead a completely different life, all the while hiding it, he's more than capable of finding a bed, job, etc. In this particularly situation, I learned that more time was actually more harmful than anything. It's time to set a drop dead date, move out, and start healing. I hope that helps in some way. 

Hi, JKpeace.

This is great advice:

Rob wrote:

Well you may want to remind him he can't live for free with you forever ...
Scratch that, there may be no getting through to their mentality.
I think that is where my lawyer was worth every penny. We sent the settlement to her lawyer showing this is what is what we want..the house is to be sold etc. While this made it more horrible living together it constantly emphasized that the current situation had an end. If she wanted it to end..sign a settlement. If she didn't want it to end the lawyers would wait but the court system would not...they eventually threatened a mandatory trial if we couldn't settle it.

Do you have a lawyer, JKpeace?

Rob wrote:

Even if your STBX is comfortable he needs to sign a settlement.

Yes.  When faced with a settlement, he suddenly might not be so "comfortable" anymore.  It would be like a cold bucket of ice water being poured over him, waking him up to reality.

Rob wrote:

And btw half of his retirement money is yours anyway so he's a bit naive in thinking he's somehow protecting "his" money. Btw2; divorce 101 for gay narc spouses..half the debt is theirs too regardless if they have a job or not. Regardless if they are gay or straight.

He needs to know all of this info.  He needs an external reason to get a job and stop sponging off of you, because the motivation isn't going come from within him.  He's too twisted and is being completely self-centered.  His current "comfort zone" is using you.  He needs to be kicked out of that comfort zone, or he'll continue to use you.  With negative financial consequences staring him right in the face if he doesn't find work, he might become highly motivated to find work.