Spent a year and half in silence except for the rage with my ex while we were divorcing. The home with the kids was a toxic pit ..you could cut the silence between me the ex with a razor..the detachment was like living with a ghost. 
We're  living seperate now and it's a much better atmosphere for the kids in each home.
Friends... no...my lezex is still  harboring profound hatred of me and can slip into a rage at a single word.. we are no contact.  Any thoughts I had of her being friendly for the kids sake were a naive fantasy.  But then again her whole destruction of the family never had the kids in mind..
No contact is best for both of us...but not the kids so much.

Last edited by Rob (September 30, 2016 6:30 am)

I went through something similar as my ex lived in the house for years after I asked for a divorce.  He was in culinary school at the time, and his mom lived with us - as did a friend of his family.  It was a clusterf*ck, to say the least.  My ex had no relatives in the state except for his mom, and she needed to stay put for a while because she was suffering through cancer with radiation/chemo.  I knew that if he left when he wasn't financially able to, he'd likely bounce back into the house - something I thought would be really emotionally dangerous for the kids.  I asked for a divorce in Jan.  He freaked and wanted counseling, which we went to for a bit, and then he went to alone for a long time.  By Aug., he'd thrown in the towel.  It took another entire YEAR for him to finish school, start a new job, and get out.  Even then it looked like it was never going to happen.  Since his mom and I had been supporting the household ourselves (she on her pension and disability), I told ex to keep all his earnings and save for a security deposit for his own place, a vehicle (we shared on family vehicle at that point, as well as his mom having her own), and furnishings.  He did NONE of that.  He literally spent all his money on whatever he wanted - going out, new clothes (which of course a chef doesn't even need - they have a uniform!), etc.  He kept spending it on ME, too; would buy me outfits - complete with shoes, handbags and jewelery, and bought me an iPhone when I was used to and satisfied with a little old flip phone.  He'd give me these things in front of the kids and his mother - so I couldn't even just be mean and not open the present, or tell him thanks, but no thanks.  Every time he'd do this, I'd get angry; he was showing no signs of moving out, and I was getting presents?  All I wanted was for him to GO!

Meanwhile, he was dating.  (I was, too).  Except when I'd go out, I'd wait until after my youngest was in bed, and I'd have made arrangements with MIL to watch the house/kids.  She was there all the time anyway, but I still wanted to be respectful).  Ex, on the other hand, would just..... leave.  He didn't ask if I had plans, or ask his mom to watch the kids.  He'd just not come home from school/work, stay in the city the entire weekend (we live in suburban Chicago), and never communicate with any of us.  We assumed he was out having fun, but in reality, we had no idea if a member of the household was dead in a dark alley somewhere.  It was nerve-wracking, and the kids were constantly asking where Dad was, and I..... didn't know.  THEY didn't know we were divorcing yet, so how do I explain such strange behavior to them?  I talked to ex about this several times - told him the kids were confused, and it was rude and disrespectful to us all to act like this.  He could do whatever he wanted - if he'd just.... LEAVE!!!  He'd say he'd be better, but then do nothing differently.

Until he moved, I had to change my mindset.  I decided that all the time he was gone was a good thing - it prevented the uneasiness that hung in the room when the two of us were both there, and it got the kids used to him being gone.  But it got ridiculous before he finally moved.  There was an incident where he was gone overnight and it was like, 11:00 on a Sunday morning.  I knew it was his first "date" with a man he'd been interested in a for a while.  He was always giving me too much info on these romances, but since I was "over" him, I figured it didn't hurt.  Anyway, his mom was fairly handicapped, and that morning, she slipped and fell on her way into the bathroom.  Her bladder had given out on the way into the bathroom, and the urine made her feet slip and fly out from under her, and she slammed her feet into the bottom of the toilet.  She had no feeling in her feet anyway due to a childhood birth defect and subsequent surgeries, so she wasn't in pain really, but she'd broken two toes and ripped the skin between a few of them, so when I got into the bathroom she was lying in a puddle of urine and blood.  She was not able to get up once she fell - she has non-bendable ankles.  And she was about 285 lbs. (same as me).  I wasn't going to be able to get her up.  I woke the sleeping friend of the family after much rousing (he was on sleeping meds), and he got her up and back to bed.  Then came the task of calming her down, removing her clothing, giving her a sponge bath due to the urine, and putting some fresh clothing on her, then cleaning up the bathroom.  Thank God she couldn't feel her feet, because 4 of her toes were at right angles to her foot - clearly broken all to hell.  I needed to get her to the hospital.  Meanwhile, I had kids that were too young to leave alone.  I kept calling and calling the ex, and leaving messages for him.  No response.  Finally about an hour and a half after all the mayhem, he comes home.  I fill him in and tell him that he needs to take her to the E.R.  He says okay, goes to see her, and then comes out and tells me that he needs to see me outside.  Where he starts telling me about his date.  WTF???  I said, "Stop - you need to take care of your mom."  He said it's okay - he told her he'd take her to the hospital in a half-hour - that he needed to talk to me.  Ummmm, okay.  So he then proceeds to tell me all about this guy, and the great weekend they had boating, etc.  And it is revealed that he had sex with the guy for the first time.  This is the first gay sex that I know of.  And he is OVER.THE.MOON excited and happy - he's talking all about how wonderful this guy is.  And although I'd been "over" my ex for a long time, I suddenly realized that I had NEVER seen him this happy before - EVER.  All those times in our marriage that I thought he was happy, it was a sham.  My entire marriage - the happy years - was a fucking LIE.  I was heartbroken.  I still cannot look at a photo of him/us from those years and see anything except a liar.

Let your husband out and about as much as possible - it's a way to get used to him being gone.  HOWEVER, he should not be spending money that your family cannot afford.  Buying expensive tickets like this was irresponsible even if the money WERE there - because your money is still together.  I recommend opening your own bank account and giving him something every month for his own.  Your children cannot afford for you to trust that he won't do this again.

Good luck -

Kel
 

Agree that you sould not care if he goes out. I know it might make you feel disrespected. I had a similar experience where my ex went on a date with her girlfriend, and asked me to drive her there. Me and the kids actually! And I were so much in shock at the time that I agreed just to avoid more confrontations. Might have been that situation that made me decide to get divorced as soon as possible, because I remember clearly how stamped upon that made me feel!
Spending money is a different matter, get a new account so your ex don't have access!

Semms that was a good post I wrote, so repeated a few times just to be sure nobody accidentally skips it... 😂
Admin, could you delete a few please?

Done. NP

Last edited by Sam (Admin) (October 8, 2016 7:18 pm)