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April 20, 2020 10:20 am  #1

I'm struggling today

I wanted to write on here this morning because each day is so difficult and I don't feel like anyone else understands exactly what I am going through except for the people on this website. I've been listening to the SSN podcasts and wow. The podcasts that resonate the most with me are Susan Relic's and Jeannie Burnett's. They both explain themselves as a plant in the corner of a home that has been neglected and not watered. I couldn't have said it better myself. Susan describes the sex as kind of paint by number sex. Susan said at one point, "Its not passion". "I had no intimacy, no arm around the shoulder, no pats on the back, stroke on the arm....no endearment, no cherishing....all through the marriage" I couldn't have said it better myself. She took the words right out of the depths of me.

In listening to these podcasts, in a way, I feel like this is the confirmation that I needed. Its not his personality that he's not affectionate, because there isn't any desire either. It's not because we've been married so long and he's become bored, because he's always been this way, from the very beginning. I know in my heart that something is wrong. I don't think he will ever admit to it. In some ways I feel like he suspects that I know. He suggested that we go on a date tonight. I know he feels my distance, my discontent. But I know tonight's date, will be like any other date we've had...with the exception that we will probably have to eat in the car due to quarantine. It'll be like getting food with a friend. I appreciate the effort but it doesn't solve the problem. 

I feel like he has been struggling with it also. Dealing with it in his mind. I can tell by the things he reads and the anxiety he has. This is something that I don't believe he will ever admit to, to himself or to me. I'm not even sure if he thinks about men in a sexual way but I've seen txts of his with a gay friend and its definitely flirty, more flirty than he is with me and I know he feels more comfortable to open up emotionally with men rather than w me. 

I pray every day that he would just tell me, because I feel like if I ask, as I have before, he will just deny it. He has too much to lose. I deserve to know though. I've done so much, invested so much. I know I can't live the rest of my life like this. I feel like just confronting him and saying, I know this isn't right, I know there is something wrong with our relationship and you can't deny it to me anymore. I know, I just know. 

I have mentioned on this forum my friend at work, and how different my relationship with him is in comparison to my husband. One of the women on one of the podcasts described it as a person that is starving, smelling a hot meal being prepared. This could have been written by me. I had described it to my therapist as him being like a drug to me but I feel like the food description is way more accurate. I am a ridiculously moral person. I always have been, since I was a child. I know that I would not be tempted to cheat on my husband if there weren't something fundamentally wrong with our relationship.

I just feel trapped and this quarantine makes everything worse. I am putting on this show everyday as if everything is fine, when inside I am falling apart. Do I just confront him again? I don't want to create enormous conflict and unrest in the house while our children are home and we are all stuck here together but its so hard pretending that everything is fine. I know he still wants to have sex, because I feel like he uses it as a release, but I feel like Im being used as a tool and I just can't do it anymore. I wonder if the date that he wants to have today is just because he wants sex tonight. I don't know.

Thank you for allowing me to use this board as a journal in a way. A way to send my struggle and emotional turmoil, out into an understanding gathering.


June 19, 2020 12:21 pm  #2

Re: I'm struggling today

Hi Karis,
How are you doing? I’m sorry that none of us responded to this post... I think we were chatting with you on a different thread? I hope you’re still journaling somehow. I was looking at texts to my friend from a year ago, and I couldn’t believe how stuck I sounded back then; and I still have maybe a year to go.
The quarantine is lasting so long and yet flying by because all the days are blurring together. I try to make my schedule opposite from my GIDH as much as possible...


June 20, 2020 7:36 pm  #3

Re: I'm struggling today

Thanks so much for writing OneDayAtATime! Im doing ok. Yes, I believe you are right. Everyone was responding to me on a different post at this time. Things have not improved for me at all. I've done a lot of questioning about whether I was correct in assuming he's bisexual or not. He may just be a covert narcissist. I have been able to read a lot of the books that were suggested to me on this forum and they have helped me tremendously! Thank you for all the suggestions. My husband recently admitted to me that he has been looking at porn. He has told me that it is women that he is looking at but honestly, I don't know what the truth is about anything anymore. He blames me for him watching porn. He says that I am unavailable to him and make him feel undesirable. I've learned the word "projection" in my reading of narcissists and this is exactly what he is doing to me. Everything that I have complained or asked for in our marriage, he is now saying that I do that to hm. In some ways he is right because I have stopped being the person that gives all the time without any reciprocity. However, I don't feel like its right for him to blame me for his porn addiction. ugh. He still wants sex but I don't want to because I feel used and treated like an object. He tells me that there is something wrong with me. I feel like its my body telling me that something is wrong. Something is off.

He wanted to have sex last night and I told him no for the first time in 22 years. He was furious and has sulked all day. He went for a hike this morning because he was mad that 1. we didnt have sex the night before and 2. One of his guy friends texted me for help with a work project and he had been texting them several times and hadn't received a response. Such strange things to get mad at!

I have a really bizarre question to ask. When he went for his hike this morning....I wondered if he was going to meet up with someone. He had told me the night before how sexually frustrated he was. When he came back from his hike, he was in the bathroom for a really long time and said his stomach was upset. An hour ro two later, he was back in the bathroom. My weird question is, does gay sex make you have to poop a lot afterwards? Sorry for my bluntness and ignorance. I was just curious if he had gone off and had sex with someone.  Thanks for reaching out OneDayAtATime. And thanks to everyone for any insight or information you might have.

     Thread Starter

June 21, 2020 12:08 am  #4

Re: I'm struggling today

Warning: this will be gross.

Yes, gay sex could definitely make him have to poop a lot. Anal sex can be very painful without a LOT of lube. I have a gay friend who jokes that “too much lube is almost enough.” After having that much lube up there, it can make poops slip out more easily kind of like having the runs. Also, if he’s having unprotected gay sex with strangers, which is an absolutely horrifying thought, the cum would act as an enema and make him have the runs as well.

If it were me, I would absolutely say no to any and all sex with him, in the interest of protecting your body from stds.

From what I see, my friends who are married to narcissists/ psychopaths, and myself being married to a gay in denial narcissist, it’s the same abuse, and I hope that all of us will have the courage and the means to get ourselves free. I am so damn happy when I’m alone, but when he walks into the room it’s like a heavy weight pressing me back down.

Be aware of possible love bombing... mine has been on his best behavior for most of this year now. And it’s such a mindf*ck because I still need to get away, but he’s so helpful with the kids it makes me think I can’t do without him, even though he’s never helped with them this much in 18 years.


June 21, 2020 6:46 am  #5

Re: I'm struggling today

One day,
  Re: your husband's helpfulness with the kids:  It's also not impossible he's engaged in image management in advance, so if you leave, he's won over the kids (trauma bonding) with his parenting form of love-bombing.  That is, he may have already started putting in place his plan for if you do leave him.  They are that calculating.


June 21, 2020 12:14 pm  #6

Re: I'm struggling today

OutofHisCloset wrote:

One day,
  Re: your husband's helpfulness with the kids:  It's also not impossible he's engaged in image management in advance, so if you leave, he's won over the kids (trauma bonding) with his parenting form of love-bombing.  That is, he may have already started putting in place his plan for if you do leave him.  They are that calculating.

Yes, I think that’s exactly what he’s doing. He told me several months ago, that he sees his own dad (a convicted child molester and murderer) as the good one, because he has memories of doing fun things with him, and he sees his mom as the bad one, because she was stressed and trying to work and take care of all their needs while being horribly abused herself. And he said I remind him of his mom, because I’m focused on trying to work and build a business.

He said right out that he’s trying to make good memories with the kids so they will want to be with him when they’re older. He has no other friends, he never ever hangs out with anyone ever. And the kids are super isolated (even before Covid) as well.

I’m stressed, I have to do all the man stuff around the house (replace the TP holder, build a pen for the animals, etc) and I’m trying to build an income for myself so I can separate.

He’s managed to get the oldest daughter bitter against me for working. She’s upset I’m “always gone” even though he’s always been gone most her life. And I’m only gone 2-3 days a week, max. At least she tells me to my face she’s bitter. I tell her that 8 years ago he hurt me very badly and I had absolutely no choice but to go to school and start working. Back then I thought for a little while that he was going to quit his job, he was getting so weirdly unstable.


June 21, 2020 12:29 pm  #7

Re: I'm struggling today

As I know from experience, one characteristic of a trouble family is the way it becomes an isolated island apart from others.  I think one of the hurdles for a lot of us after we leave is that we don't have the network of support we otherwise might because all of our efforts have been expended at home on our disordered spouses.  And what could be more disordered than to identify with the parent who was the problem rather than the one who tried to carry the family?  I guess it's a case of "who had to bear the burden; I don't want to be that person." 
I'm glad you're savvy and self-aware.  But how unfair for you.  


June 23, 2020 2:45 pm  #8

Re: I'm struggling today

My husband has definitely been love bombing me. So I know exactly what you mean ODAAT. Also thank you for answering my gay sex question. I have another question. When my husband was in his early 20s (before we married), he shared an apt with a bunch of guys. They would joke around and pretend that they were gay to make each other laugh. My husband told me that they use to do things like place themselves in gay precarious positions so that when one of the other guys, would come home, they would see it and laugh. Is this normal, immature, frat boy stuff? Or is this proof of my husband's gay past. As far as I know, he has only had a serious relationship with one other woman.

My husband's narcissistic traits have been unreal lately. Blaming me for everything. He also wants sex but I don't want to because when we have sex, I don't feel loved. I feel like I am treated like an object. I have told him this but he dismisses it. I honestly don't know if he is gay or just a narcissist. 

He recently confessed to me that he had been looking at porn. He told me that it was of women, but honestly, how am I supposed to know? And if it was a heterosexual porn scenario, I dont know if he was looking at the man or the woman. 

Its so frustrating not to have proof. I feel it in my gut but I also feel like I am reading into everything. I dont know. 

     Thread Starter

June 24, 2020 8:43 am  #9

Re: I'm struggling today

Hmm.  That is an interesting question about guys joking around and pretending they were gay to make each other laugh.  My STBX used to do that with his long term male friend (his only male friend).  Their bantering would go like this: 

Him:  I like your t-shirt
Friend:  It's my favorite rock band.  And my favorite color.  Blue. 
Him:  Blue is the same color as your eyes. 
Friend:  You sound like you want to be my boyfriend. (Bats eyelashes.)
Him:  That's so gay. 
Friend:  You're gay. 
Him: No, you're gay.  
In unison:  Ewwww!  That's so gross!  [Followed by hysterical laughter.]

I used to tell them I found it homophobic and offensive but they would continue similar back-and-forth "jokes" like this, horrifyingly enough, sometimes in public.  I never knew any other men who had these exchanges.  And definitely not any women.  

I don't know if it's a sign of being gay but to me it was very weird and off-putting.  


June 24, 2020 10:34 am  #10

Re: I'm struggling today

Thanks Leslie for your response. I’ve been thinking back over a lot of the stores that my husband and his friend used to tell me about when they all lived together (about 3-4 guys). There was one guy that they liked to tease and make fun of a lot-we’ll call him Larry. Larry was easy to make fun of and tease. My husband and his friend Derrick used to pretend that they were gay to creep out Larry. One story that they both told me, while laughing is that when they knew Larry was coming home, my husband and Derrick would assume gay positions. I honestly can’t remember if they said they were naked or in underwear but I believe they were naked. My husband plays the drums and they would take the base drum pedal and position it so that it was hitting Derrick in the butt. So when Larry would come home, there they’d be in position with my husband hitting the base drum pedal on Derricks butt.

Another story is that they would surprise Derrick in the shower and spray him w cold water from the removable shower head. They would laugh because Derrick looked like a giggly naked pig squirming in the water.

I always brushed these stories off as frat boy like fun. But now w all that I’m dealing with, I’m wondering if i just turned a blind eye. I guess I thought, why would they tell me these stories if they indicated or pointed to their homosexuality.  But now i honestly wonder if Larry may have accidentally walked in on them one time and they played it off as a joke on Larry.

They also used to joke about how I ruined everything by marrying my husband because they were going to get matching recliners like Joey and Chandler on the Friends show.

Do you think there was anything to this? Or were they just being immature boys?

My husband is still friend with Derrick to this day. They talk in the phone and text several times each month. My husband is actually going to visit him this weekend so he can speak in his church but my son is going w him so I find it hard to believe that too much would be going on but my son is 16 and very self sufficient and wants to go so he can meet up with his girlfriend who lives nearby.

     Thread Starter

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