Karis, Over on the Chump Lady site she has a saying, "talking with a cheating narcissist is like sticking your head in a blender."  You cannot have a real conversation with someone who is trying to spin you and control your reactions.  
Your husband may not be physically cheating, but you could learn a lot about "word salad" and "gaslighting" from her site.  
You ask why "it is suddenly a big deal?"  It's a big deal because your husband is engaged in damage control; he is protecting his closet.  He's afraid you will leave him and say, when you go, that it's because you think he's gay.  He is terrified of this.  And so he is trying very hard to corral you, to go back to being the one in control.  
  He has a lot to lose if you go, from his relationship to his parents, his standing in the church, and his financial support while he's in grad school.  And, by the way, why isn't he receiving a fellowship or grant, or taking a loan for his studies?  Why are you the one who has to finance his studies?  
  Also, I think many of us can tell you that our closeted and in denial spouses were "depressed," "moping, angry, and withdrawn."  Trying to suppress your sexuality and to live a lie will do that to a person.
 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (May 4, 2020 7:41 pm)

I do think at times that he is trying to "pray the gay" away. His PHD is not in religious studies though. It is in history but I feel like religion and history are closely related. He is unsure if he will pastor again after receiving his degree, although I am sure he will do some sort of religious work because he is consumed with religion. Literally consumed.  

OOHC, to answer your question about financials, it is a mess. He does receive a fellowship but it is about the amount of a part time job, so it helps but it isn't much. He is also unable to get a job or he will lose his fellowship. I won't go into all of our financial struggles but trust me, when I tell you that they are a mess.

 I visited the Chump Lady website and she does have a lot of good information. Thank you for suggesting that site. I read a journal entry of his where he was apologizing to God for replacing Him as the primary object of his love. I know he wasn't replacing God with me, so I wonder, what was going on. He says that he feels hurt and disappointed but that God has given him friends to sympathize. I don't know what he has shared and to whom. In some ways, I think he would like for me to divorce him because when he was pastoring, I was needed. He needed me to complete the picture but now that he is almost done with his PHD and can pursue teaching or writing, or whatever, I am not needed as much. He has made this clear to me by, now that sex for us is off the table, we merely pass each other in the house. We have a hug and a peck kiss before we go to sleep and when we wake up, and that's it. It feels like he's given up. Maybe we both have. If he is scared to lose me, he definitely isn't reaching out to me. His journal entries are like long drawn out King James versions of prayers. He uses words like "thee and thy". I should stop snooping and reading them because it is starting to creep me out. 

MJM017, Im not sure what keeps me with him. He has had such control and dominance over me and in the relationship, that I honestly feel scared. I don't know what he would do or how he would react if I asked for a divorce. I am not afraid of him being physically abusive but I am afraid of the psychological damage, to me and to our kids. I know that I would bear the brunt of the blame. I don't know if my kids can see or understand how he is. He is a good father but if they were to look at him as a partner, they would see differently but of course I am sure they don't look at him that way. 

He was brought up conservative in his beliefs but has since changed his position on a lot of things. Thank you for referencing Merton. I was hoping that someone would chime in who had also read him. He has lots of underlined quotes in the book, with stars by them. Quotes like "What an idea! To deny the desires of one's flesh, and even to practice certain disciplines that punished and mortified those desires." I also wondered what Merton's ideas would be on LGBT today, so thank you for answering that. I have asked him if he was bisexual, and at the time he told me that he was relieved that I asked him that because he said that it proves that we have irrational fears, because he had feared that I was having an affair. He had also told me that he thought it was funny that I had asked because he had been mistaken as a gay man before, and he referenced a time when a couple started attending our church because he reminded them of their gay son, who had passed away.

But then in a recent argument he brought up me asking if he was bisexual, and said that it really hurt him that I asked and that he is not interested in men and has in fact been looking at images online of women in lingerie. So I don’t know if that is true or just a distraction for me.

 OOHC, thank you for the suggested reading. I am sure these will help me a lot. I will check them out. I know I definitely need boundaries.

My husband came home from a trip the other day and when he was driving down the road to our house, he saw me and my son taking a walk around the neighborhood. He stopped the car to say, hello and I said hi, and that we were glad that he was back home. Then my son and I finished the rest of the walk and headed home. When I got home, he was upset that I didn’t go straight home and instead finished the last leg of the walk with my son. Then he was angry that I didn’t immediately run and hug and kiss him when he was home (because I used to do those things but I cant anymore), then he told me that he was upset that I went on a walk with my son at all because I should have known that he would have wanted to go on a walk with us when he got home because he’s been in the car all day. But honestly, I thought he would be too tired to go for a walk, He said that he specifically told me what time he was getting home, so that I would be aware. I don’t know. It’s all so ridiculous. 

Thank you to everyone for your posts and help to me.

Last edited by Karis (May 5, 2020 12:14 pm)