Karis wrote:

IWould a straight man, ever cum on his wife's leg? I don't know what's normal and what isn't and I was curious what everyone’s thoughts were on this.

I am 100% straight man.

I don't have sex with my wife if she isn't interested, even if she is only interested in satisfying me and just doing it for my benefit. If I suspect she is bored, tired, or disinterested, it is like being punched in the nuts and I am not able to continue. So, that is one thing to mention.

Two, men being the one to initiate sex with physical contact is very normal. Women rarely initiate sex more often than their husbands. My wife and I have struggled with this for years, as it puts me in the awkward position of the pursuer, being denied often and feeling bad about myself. She has to reject my advances, making her feel guilt...it is great all around.

Lastly, yes. It is not uncommon for men to ejaculate in places outside. Being between a pair of nice, shaved, soft legs, can feel great too!

I think a man who is attracted to women would WANT you. And you would FEEL wanted.
He is abusively focused on himself, he is abusively neglecting you. If a straight man hadn’t had sex in almost 3 weeks, he would be wanting to absolutely eat you up and have REAL sex.
If you had sex every day, I’d expect some to be on the body rather than in. But when he hadn’t been in you for so long, I think it’s unusual for him not to-literally-jump at the chance.
The last time I had sex with my husband, Jan 9th, he made excuses to stop actual sex and laid beside me, eyes closed, stroking while I waited, then as he came he turned and stuck it in, as if the only goal is to prove he can still cum in me. None of this is normal. I would have loved sex every day, but he always made excuses, and got increasingly horrible about it. I eventually had to talk dirty out loud to him about man parts to keep him hard and it was such a turn off I couldn’t even enjoy it. It’s such a relief that I don’t have to do it with him anymore. I have not told him I don’t want it ever again though. I just live in my separate room, he works (remotely) nights anyways, and I’m busy with kids and my business course. He will just ask now and then if I want to “plan something fun” or try to make me feel guilty by saying he wants to spend time with me.

I Have to remind myself how hard I tried, for 20 years, and how he’s just trying a little bit lately is just because he is trying to not let me get away.

“The one who truly loves, tries at first. The one who abuses, tries at last.”

I’m absolutely certain that sex with a straight man would be night and day different. It’s not just the GID narcissist spouse’s lack of attraction, it’s their lack of caring about you at all. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cried after sex with my husband. The first time was when I was pregnant again 15 years ago, and he bought a dildo I told him I didn’t want, because it went against my religious training. He got mad and scared and guilted me into doing it for him. I was certain he would leave me and our daughter if I didn’t try to obey him; plus he wouldn’t have sex with me if there wasn’t always some sort of extra thing to turn him on. The pain of being unwanted, being made to feel so gross and undesirable, the self-betrayal from letting myself be used and abused in so many worse ways, and letting all my values go down the drain in order to “save the marriage” is super hard to deal with. And the horrible irony is that these days if I wear something that shows more skin, he will be trying to touch me some, and I still don’t have a boundary of telling him not to touch me. I hate him for starving me of affection for two decades and then pushing it on me when I don’t want it. I feel like a girl that got kidnapped at 17 but now have realized that the man I’ve loved and sacrificed everything for is actually my abuser.

Thank you for your responses. My husband is out of town for the day, with my daughter. The quarantine has really propelled my need for answers. I guess because I'm home all day. When I was going to work every day, it was easy to push things into the back of my mind and just not deal with anything. I do believe in God and sometimes I wonder if there is a leading or a guidance by God or a higher power or intuition (whatever you believe in or think) that is pushing me to search or deal with this issue now. 

I hate snooping and looking for evidence but I don't know what else to do. My husband has always been a bit guarded and secretive of certain aspects of his thoughts and feelings. In all my searches and looking for evidence, I haven't found much. He has two gay friends that he texts and emails on a regular basis. They talk about spiritual things, loneliness, depression, etc. I do think it's possible that he has deleted a few texts but I don't know. I truly believe he has not cheated on me in a sexual way. Maybe he has had an emotional affair with these men and possibly more men, but I don't think it's been sexual.  I feel like this is an internal struggle. I have read journal entries of my husband's. They are entirely religious. Over the top religious. Prayers, hymns, etc. He has always been so religious-like on a almost monastic level-moreso than your normal run of the mill pastor. His journals are filled with apologies to God for trying to replace Him. He does mention guilt and shame but doesn't go into what exactly. There is a definite internal struggle going on. In the spiritual books that he reads, there are parts that are underlined that deal with a moral struggle. He is reading Thomas Merton's Seven Storey Mountain. 
I don't know what to do. I want to confront him. I want to talk to him, but I am afraid he will just deny it. I don't have concrete evidence but I just know. I know he's gay. I know it. I can't imagine him having sex with a man, but honestly I can't imagine him having sex with another woman either. The only time I feel like I have come close to him saying anything was one night when he had had a lot of wine. He typically doesn't drink at all but we had gone out and I had been drinking and he wanted to join me. He had a lot for him-about 2-3 glasses. We were drunk and being stupid. I had bought doughnuts earlier that day and I was joking about wanting to go back to our hotel room and eat doughnuts. Then as a joke, I said that I was going to eat a doughnut off his dick (I know , Im a 13 yr old at heart). I asked him if he was going to have one and as a joke he said, "No, I don't have a dick to eat one off of." I remember being taken aback when he said that and thats how I remember it but we were for real, drunk and acting stupid. It wasn't mentioned or talked about in the morning. But I feel like if I were to get him drunk, we could have an honest conversation about things.

I want to confront him because I want answers so badly. I am falling in love with this man at work, who loves me like I've always wanted to be loved. We have not had sex but he cares about me in ways that my husband has ignored me. Even if my husband admitted to having homosexual thoughts and feelings, I wouldn't immediately leave him for this man at work. I just want answers or an explanation. So that we can be on the same page and work through things together.

Should I confront him? Or should I continue playing this game, where he deals with an inner struggle, and I act like the oblivious wife?

Thank you Abby for your response. I know you are correct. My mind and emotions have been all over the place. I did confront my husband this morning. I told him that I knew he was struggling with something because I know him so well and I wanted to know if he wanted to talk about it. Our conversation got pretty in depth. He referenced a time when I had asked him before if he was bisexual (a few weeks ago). When I had asked him before if he was bisexual, he had said he was relieved that I had asked because it proved that we have irrational fears. He fears that I am having an affair, which isn’t entirely irrational. But today he told me that it bothered him that I had asked him that before and that he had struggled with not being hurt by it. He said, “Why would you think I was gay? Because I have gay friends?” I tried to describe why I feel the way I do but it’s difficult to explain. I feel like I just know. Then he confessed to me that he has looked at inappropriate images online but that they were all of women wearing lingerie and not of men. I don’t know what to believe now.

Part of me wonders if he just said that to confuse me, but the other part of me feels like maybe Im just wrong about everything. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I’m back to feeling lost and confused. My husband isn’t a deceptive person. I do know he’s a narcissist and can be manipulative at times but he’s not purposefully deceptive. He said he has struggled with separating lust from sex and trying to make it more about relationship. I have snooped at his journal entries and have read parts where he talks about his sin and shame, and the woes of his errors. “Overwhelmed with memories of my failures…countless moments of saying, doing the wrong thing, or nothing…I am red with guilt…I am ashamed of my blindness…my memories are bitter…and what’s more-I felt entirely justified at the time.” Does that sound like the journal writings of someone who has just been looking at pics online of women in lingerie? I know how I feel but I can’t really explain why.

I identify with so many of you but also feel like maybe I don’t belong on this board after all. My husband has been fasting and turning to religion. He has a ritual of sorts that he goes through every morning that he says grounds him and his thinking. I’m at loss. Maybe it really is just me.

Last edited by Karis (May 2, 2020 12:51 pm)

Thank you.
I have had chest pains since yesterday because I'm so messed up. Is it weird to wish that he's gay? I feel like it would explain everything, that I would then have a reason behind everything that has occurred in my marriage. There is a part of me that refuses to accept his denial because I know in my heart what is true. I know what I've experienced. I know what my life has been like, and him being gay, seems like the only logical answer for what I've experienced. But you are right. It doesn't matter or it shouldn't matter. If I'm in an unhappy marriage-then I'm in an unhappy marriage; the reasoning behind it shouldn't really matter.

He is financially dependent on me until he gets his PHD. I guess I just need to be patient and see what happens.

Last edited by Karis (May 2, 2020 1:43 pm)