Karis,

It sounds like he wants to have sex and have everything the same between you.  But your mind and body cant get over the online relationship he is having with his friend.  The elephant in the room.

It's so very hard when trust and loyalty is broken.  Best you can do is either give into him to maintain status quo or push him away.  Do whatever you have to do but know it's not forever...once you decide you can move forward to get away from the hurt.

Thank you everyone for your responses. I feel better today and I know it's because I have read the truth in these messages. I will remember what you said ODAT, when you said "stop listening to your husband’s words. Only his actions matter. " That is so true.

What is amazing to me, is that he seems to take my feelings and my complaints and issues in our relationship, and claim them as his own. So then they can't be mine anymore. Does that make sense? Like if I complain about distance and disconnect in the relationship, then the next argument we have, that will be what he brings up that he feels towards me. So it's like OOHC said: "So of course you feel like shit.  Your husband has you whirling in circles." Thank you Lily, for encouraging me to be strong during these times. I feel like I am getting stronger but I have a long way to go. I have felt small and weak for so long. Also, thank you Lily for saying this, "If you have the guilts because of the man at work  - don't, that is nature coming to your rescue, if your husband was loving you wouldn't be conflicted." I do feel like in many ways nature has come to my rescue and if it hadn't been for this man at work, I would still be in the dark. It was like a blindfold was lifted from my eyes or as if someone had "slapped" me out of it. The delusion that I was in. It's like you said ODAT, my eyes were opened. Also ODAT, I feel like my husband uses sex as a release. He is very pious/religious and I doubt he masturbates, so it makes sense that he would want sex. Afterwards, I used to feel ok about it but not satisfied...just kind of like something checked off my To Do list. Now I feel used and manipulated and if he does things to me, I feel like he does it only to keep me. He's only started doing things to me in the past few months. He used to never. I struggle between making him think everything is fine, and going through with sex with him, or denying him and going through the constant arguments and mindfucks. So I don't know. He has about a year left on his PHD and my son will graduate High School in 2 years, so I don't think I would consider divorce for another 2 years, unless I were to find damning evidence. So in some ways I have to keep the charade going, but I feel much better equipped with knowledge now. 

I agree that my husband is definitely a narcissist. I have googled the traits of NPD and he has so many of them, even though they are in varying degrees. He does seem to have some sociopath qualities as well..except for the parts about possible criminal behavior etc. This is also EXTREMELY accurate:
"He’s sooo “nice.” No one will ever believe me that he’s gay. He’s too smart to ever act on it."
This is also very true, "The bottom line is, he is willing to hurt me if it helps himself, and he does not love me like I always loved him. And it is obvious in my heart, mind, and health." The most powerful part of this statement is "he does not love me like I always loved him". So accurate. I really like the idea of making a list and I will do that. Thank you for telling me about that. I have thought about life without my husband. When there are times that Im with my sisters or my Mom and Im without him, it feels so freeing. It feels like I am allowed to be myself. Maybe I will soon have my own secret exit date. Maybe I should go ahead and start thinking about my 2 year mark. I think that would give me some hope. Thank you all for showing so much care and concern. I appreciate all of these comments so much.

Rob, you are also accurate in saying that he wants to keep things the same between us. I always feel like that is what he tries to do. He always seems to just want to keep our relationship moving forward without taking the time to address issues or concerns or check in with me. I feel like his mentality has always been, we need to just keep moving forward.

Also thank you Abby for your comment. It is very difficult to sort things out when you are stuck in an emotional spin cycle. Thank you again everyone, for your help and guidance. 
 

You are right ODAAT. Having a date in mind somehow keeps me grounded. I don't have to accept this as my forever. I am also very amazed at how similar our experiences are. It helps me to read your posts. I feel like we are in the same place. It is also very strange how we can see the obviousness of it in each other's story but not in our own. I did what you said and made a list. I'm on #31. Isn't it crazy that we can have that many reasons and still doubt ourselves? The list helps remind me that Im not crazy.

Im in a weird place right now, where I've always loved my husband, I still do, but now Im starting to doubt what he says. I just don't believe him. It's a strange place to be, to love someone, and question what they tell you at the same time. Like your husband, he's nice and extremely smart, but he can also be rude at times and very inconsiderate. It's strange that a person can be both. 

We've been taking lots of family walks recently due to the quarantine. My daughter is in her last week of her freshman year of college, and is pretty stressed out with the transition to online courses. While we were on our walk (me, my husband, daughter, and son), she was venting about how stressed she is. Suddenly, my husband said, "You are stressing me out! I wanted to go on this walk to relax and you keep talking about all this and its stressing me out." My daughter said, "Sorry, fine. Why don't you just tell me to shut-up?". Then my husband, yells "Shut-up!" I was shocked. Like, what the hell? I said something about it in the moment and he later apologized to my daughter, but its so bizarre. He can be so nice and then turn on a dime. We've never told our kids to shut-up. 

I guess what I am trying to say, is that its difficult and strange to go almost your entire life, thinking about a person a certain way (that they are nice, loving, and perfect) and then to suddenly switch gears and think about them in a completely opposite way. I am a very visual person, and in my mind, I think about it as if my old way of thinking is well oiled and moves smoothly and is used to going in that direction every day, but this new way of thinking hasn't been used before, and it's difficult, and rusty, and not easy to move, and there's times where it stops and I have to make it keep going.

Im so sorry to hear about your sweet Mom. It sounds like she literally gave her life for him.

Last edited by Karis (April 28, 2020 8:26 am)

I think you could be right OOHC and I had had the same thoughts.

**Warning-Graphic Post***
I wanted to get everyone’s thoughts on this instance that happened this morning:

wanted to get your thoughts on something but this will be kind of graphic and I didn't know if I should post it on the forum.

My husband and I hadn't had sex in a while. I guess it had been anywhere from 2 1/2 weeks to 3 weeks, and as I had mentioned in my earlier posts, he has told me that he "needs" to have sex at least every 2 weeks. I struggle with giving in and complying with his wishes or withholding sex from him (because its not good for me anyway). If I give in, then things go smoothly for me, life continues, if I don't give in then we have arguments and he acts so "abused" and neglected. So in some ways, it feels easier to just comply. I knew I was running out of time, and that we needed to have sex soon or he would start an argument. I had been using my period as an excuse for the past few days but knew I was running out of time with that excuse also.

We woke up this morning and I can tell by the way he is touching me, that he wants to have sex. I want to get it over with and if I get any pleasure out of it at all, it's fine. Sorry for being graphic but here goes:
He starts off with fingering me. This honestly is a relatively new thing. He used to in our previous years of marriage only do this for a minute or two to check and see if I was ready, or to get me ready, so that we could have sex. I have recently (within the past year) told him that I need to be satisfied too and he needs to make sure that I have an orgasm also. So, he has recently always started off with me, but he's honestly terrible at it. He does this thing, where he will be doing everything right, but then it's like he gets tired of fingering me and will do something else like rub my leg or breasts and its extremely frustrating. I need him to continue and not stop, but I honestly can tell he is getting bored and tired. Throughout this time, he is not looking at me in the face at all. Its like he's zoned out.

What happened this morning, was while he was fingering me (sorry, I hate saying that but I don't know what else to call it) he was rubbing his penis on the side of my leg, and getting really turned on. The more turned on he was getting, the less tuned into to me he was. It wasn't long before I could tell that this was no longer about me, although I'm not sure it ever was to begin with. He ended up cumming on my leg/thigh area. I, of course, was left completely unsatisfied. He did some weird apologizing and said something to the effect of, I'm sorry I just couldn't stop. I told him that it was fine, and not to worry. In my mind, I'm thinking, at least my 2 week timer has been reset. What do you think of this? Would a straight man, ever cum on his wife's leg? I don't know what's normal and what isn't and I was curious what everyone’s thoughts were on this.

I believe you are right Elle. Thank you for your message.