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Last edited by JenS (April 27, 2020 8:03 pm)

JenS,
Thank you for posting. I looked up the book, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay on Google Books because they seem to have extensive samples. I could never purchase or have a book with that title in my home. He would lose it and there is no way I could hide it.  I appreciate you suggesting it to me though. I read a bit of it and it seems very insightful and guiding. I plan on reading more. 

Thank you for sharing your story and the words of caution. I have hope that I will have a better future. I feel like my eyes have been opened to so much that I can't deny but I still need time to grow in courage and wisdom and we will have an empty nest in 2 years and I'd rather wait until then, if I am going to leave or confront him with anything. It sounds like a rough road. I can't imagine how excruciating it must've been. I am sure the strength and courage that is required is more than I can imagine. 

You are very accurate in what you said about my male friend. It was like a blindfold had been taken off my eyes and I saw my life completely different. I had been so naive before. Yes, I am very thankful to have my eyes opened at this time instead of much later. One thing I keep thinking during this time, is that I don't want to get to the end of my life and think, I lived my life for him, we worked together to make him great, because currently that is what it feels like.

Was your husband angry often or brooding? It seems as if my husband is constantly in his head. Constantly going over things in his mind that cause him to be angry. When he cuts the grass, I can watch him, and I see him thinking and going over things in his mind, and when he's finished, he's in a bad mood.

A story that explains what life is like in our house:
My husband was cutting grass and the kids (19 and 16) wanted to drive to a nearby lake and asked me if I wanted to go with them. I said I would but I was worried that their father would get upset. I said, "I feel like you guys can go, and he'd be fine with it, but if I go with you, he will feel like we are leaving him out, and his feelings will be hurt." My daughter said, I don't think he will, then my son said, "no she's right, he would." So then we decided that we would ask him, if it was ok. We were in the garage and about to go to the front yard and ask him, when my daughter said "Ok, who is going to ask him?" Everyone looked at me and then they could tell that I didn't want to. My son said that he would because it was his idea to drive to the lake. We approached my husband and my son nervously asked him, looking to me for encouragement. In that moment, I thought...this is not normal! Why are we making such a big deal over this? Why do we have to ask if we can go to the lake w out him, its only about 20 min away? Why did we have that discussion beforehand about who was going to ask him? It's things like that scenario that I suddenly realize that there are strange/unhealthy aspects to our relationship. My husband is not physically abusive. Why do we act like he is?
I just feel like I am just now realizing and noticing all these things. Im putting all the pieces together. It's bizarre because he is a nice person when he chooses to be. I don't understand it all.

Thank you all for your responses. Thank you for holding my hand through this dark path.

Last edited by Karis (April 12, 2020 6:17 pm)

Lily,
This quote is very accurate and I feel like it is what I am going through right now.
"When I could no longer provide the admiration for my ex, when emotionally speaking I had retreated, but low in confidence and still caring for him, that's when psychological abuse ramped up.  I see that now as his response to the loss of admiration."
-K

It is extremely difficult. I feel like I am losing my mind. I have been talking to some family, my mom and my sisters but they really can't understand what I am experiencing like the people on this board do. 

I like your idea of having a centering spot. Things between my husband and I have been pretty distant but honestly that's not that much different than the usual. He's been leaving his computer up a lot more often, without sleep turned on, I don't know why because Im pretty sure he changed his password on his computer. In some ways I feel like he wants me to check it, maybe its a trap. This is what I mean by the fact that Im losing my mind.
I checked his txt messages on his computer. If is a trap, I fell for it. I saw where he'd been messaging his gay friend. They txt a lot more than I thought they did. There wasn't anything sexual about the messages. My husband had sent him pics of some damage in our neighborhood from a recent storm. At one point his friend referenced an email that he had sent my husband, and apologized for it being heavy and how he longed to have a family and children of his own. I havent read the email. In some ways this seems like txt messages btwn close friends, in other ways it seems closer than that.

As I mentioned before, my husband knows that there is distance between us. Last night he suggested that we go on a date. You would think that this would alleviate any of my fears but it's basically just like grabbing food with a friend. We didn't touch the entire time. My husband still wants sex or he did, but as many have said before it seems like more of a release and is very mechanical. I felt like the only reason he made the effort for the date was because he prob wanted sex last night. We havent had sex for about a couple of weeks. I mentioned to him that I didnt want to have sex, just because of the date. He assured me that he just wanted to hang out and that he didnt do it for sex. Then he said, I know that sex is kind of different for us now for whatever reason, so Im ok with not doing it for now. At first I felt reassured. I havent wanted to have sex. I feel like a tool-sex without intimacy, but now Im wondering...is this the beginning of a sexless marriage for me? Like so many others on this board? Did he somehow spin this, so that it seems like its me that doesnt want sex? Which in some ways he's right but I dont know, its such a mind fuck and I swear I am losing it.

Thank you for your message OoHC. Yes, it is maddening. It's hard when you aren't sure if you can trust that someone who you've shared life with for 22 years, is completely telling you the truth.

I do feel like he is coming on to my husband. I feel like my husband is either oblivious or in such deep denial. I do feel like its an emotional attachment/affair for sure. If he were having these texts/conversations with a woman, Im sure I would be furious.

I am definitely not going to pressure him for sex and it sounds like he isn't going to pressure me, so I guess we will just see how long this goes. I do hate that it seems like I'm the reason that we aren't having sex but oh well. At this point, I don't care.  Thank you for your thoughts and wisdom.