Hi Karas,
With your husband’s email, I’m thinking there are two possibilities. Either he is hinting and taking it very slowly, trying to see if he can forge a secret enough relationship with this other man, or he is so much in denial that the only indulgence he allows himself concerning his gay desires is to talk about them with gay men. He sounds very full of himself, like a major gay in denial narcissist. I can picture him feeling “holier than thou” while at the same time probably being secretly envious of these gay men he knows who aren’t stuffed so far back in the closet they don’t know where the door is, like him.
It’s likely he’s never cheated on you with a guy since he can still perform his mechanical sex with you. My husband never had any ED problems until he’d delved into sex with other people. And then at one point, when we were actively working on our marriage and I had always been extremely supportive of his problems, he blamed ED in the U.S. on women being strong and independent. It boggles the mind. But that’s an example of how twisted their minds are, and how you can’t trust a thing they say. He’s a gay man, maybe a trans because he actually hates his body and at times has gotten super obsessed with learning about transitioning to a woman, and he’s begged me to buy him panties that say “girl power.” He was furious when our littlest daughter was wearing a “girls are the future” shirt. See how illogical and swirly his thoughts are?
So I think it’s totally possible that your husband is so self absorbed that he thinks he’s a great husband and he thinks he’s better than all those “sinful” gay men, even while he’s obviously obsessed with talking with them and wanting them to think he’s a great guy.

About the porn... if it’s not something that you would choose, if it doesn’t make you feel great and wonderful, don’t do it. When you’re already not being loved and cherished and desired in your marriage, even a small betrayal of yourself or compromise to your own standards and desires will just multiply your pain. And he’s not worth the sacrifice. I’ve found I have mountains of things I have to learn to forgive myself for, because I sacrificed so much of myself for my husband’s fleeting happiness and the crumbs of attention he would finally give me if I destroyed myself for him. Now I live in what feels like a very selfish way, focusing on caring for myself and not him, but after 21 years, someone needed to start caring about me and it certainly wasn’t going to be him.

I went back and found this post of mine from November 2019 because it was my "wake up" moment. My husband had announced he was gay and wanted a divorce, had moved into an apartment and my attorney had told me that it was o.k. to date. I had not realized until this how conditioned I was to living under my husband's dark cloud:

"... I was on a date, out in a kayak on a lake, and was enjoying the moment. When we went back to shore as we took the kayak out he mentioned that his back hurt. I asked him why he didn't say anything when we were on the lake because we could have come in sooner. His answer, you were enjoying it so much.

That's when the difference hit me. My husband wouldn't have taken a boat out because it wasn't his thing. If he had taken one out he would have complained long before his back hurt because something would be wrong. And if his back hurt I'd surely have heard about it - for days!

Everything was always about him but I was so used to it that the fact that someone could take pleasure in seeing me happy came as a shock. Eventually the numbness begins to wear off and like a plant in the spring we come back to life."

 

I’ve been distant from him ever since I started feeling my eyes were opened to this possibility. As I mentioned before, I don’t dote on him, I don’t go over board in praising him anymore. I am basically treating him now, the way i have been treated for 22 years. I know he hates it and is bothered by it but he doesn’t know what to do and that’s the issue.

He’s never known how to reach out to me. He can’t do it and he won’t. So he stays stuck in his head and mind like always.

He has never and will never come up to me during the day and just hold me and ask me, baby, what’s wrong? It’s not in his nature. He’s never called me anything ever, except my first name. He doesn’t know how to reach me because it’s never been a priority before.

Thank you for your comment OOHC. I think you are right and I appreciate this board and everyone on here for helping me think through things. Im reading a book on intuition right now and it seems very timely. I know what my gut/my intuition is telling me. I am able to check who he texts/calls on our phone records and they have already been texting this afternoon. Of course I don't know what the messages say, but at this point, does it really even matter?

Rob,
As I mentioned in my earlier posts, my husband used to be a pastor but is currently not pastoring. I’ve been in the church world quite a bit. I love so much about it but have also been wounded (as most have) by it as well. I noticed the scripture verse that you have at the end of each post. It always shocks me when I see it because it’s been one that I have clung to during this time as well.

I believe God wants us to be happy. I believe God wants both people in a marriage to feel cherished. I trust that God has more in store for my life, even though I can’t see it right now. I believe God put people and circumstances in my life at this moment to open my eyes to the unfair and unequal aspects of my marriage. I know God wants more for me.

Do you mind explaining what this verse means to you?