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April 5, 2020 4:45 pm  #21

Re: I'm lost and don't know what to do or think.

Hi Lily,
I have talked to my Mom and sisters about it. One sister is hopeful that things will work out btwn me and my husband and the other doesn’t really know what to say about any of this. My Mom says she wants whatever I want. I’m not sure what I want. Some days I want to just pick up and leave and other days everything is so familiar and all I’ve ever known and I don’t think I could ever leave. I don’t feel like I have a “good enough” reason to leave. I do feel like he’s manipulative and controlling and treats me like a child but I blame myself for allowing him to treat me that way. I feel like he has gay or bisexual tendencies but nothing concrete enough to leave him for. I admit that being in this marriage has made me feel very small and weak. Only recently have a gained confidence through my job and the encouragement from my male friend at work. I know you all can’t tell me exactly if he’s gay or bisexual or not. I wish you could. I wish you could tell me what to do...I guess because that’s what I’m used to-someone telling me what to do.


April 5, 2020 5:14 pm  #22

Re: I'm lost and don't know what to do or think.

life is life!  one thing I have learnt is you cannot get the support you need unless you are on the front foot - you have to lead the charge then others can support you in it.


April 6, 2020 7:35 am  #23

Re: I'm lost and don't know what to do or think.

 You wrote:
"I do feel like he’s manipulative and controlling and treats me like a child "
"I feel like he has gay or bisexual tendencies"

Then you qualified each of those statements with:
"but I blame myself for allowing him to treat me that way"
"but nothing concrete enough to leave him for"

Do you think this:
"being in this marriage has made me feel very small and weak"
might be the reason you qualified those statements?  Spending twenty years with a controlling man who indulges his "gay or bisexual tendencies" is a recipe for your disempowerment.  I say "indulges," because
for a straight man, your husband seems to have a lot of gay men in his life and to focus on gay issues in his church work.  "Indulge" doesn't have to mean "has sex with."

I have observed that for many of us, a part of our process is that

1) we doubt (or we discover evidence or our spouse drops the bomb, in which case there's the phase of being in shock)

2) we look for validation of our suspicions/discoveries and our feelings

3) we are torn between wanting to leave and wanting to stay, and we engage in a series of push-pull moves, disengaging then re-engaging, repeat, repeat, until we come to a decision.  Not all of us are good at jumping off cliffs or pulling the band-aid off in one quick rip. 

4) It may take us a long time to achieve the agency necessary to leave.  (If we don't or can't leave, we have to learn how to emotionally detach.) We may long for "someone"--our spouses, God, another person--to give us certainty or relieve us of the necessity to act, because living with a spouse in the closet or in denial--and it's worth repeating Lily's mantra here: "denial doesn't mean doesn't know, it means doesn't tell"--is to live in an inherently abusive situation (Oscar Minwalla: "
People who hold sexual secrets and maintain a deceptive sexual reality and life while pretending to be in a honest relationship or family system are engaging in a form of abusive covert dominance and control.").  

5) Once we do leave, it can be hard, but I haven't seen one person return to the SSN forum here to say they wish they'd never left. I have seen people who posted initially return to the Forum down the road to say they finally left.  I have also seen people who do leave say they wish they had left sooner. 

 (Full disclosure, because what I say is conditioned by what I've seen here on these boards, and by my experience: I left.  It took me three years from disclosure in March 2015 to do so. I began posting here in Sept 2016, told my now-ex I wanted out in Jan 2018, and moved into my own place in March 2018.)

Below is an excerpt from Oscar Minwalla's website.  What he says about "a secret, sexual world" is equally true for someone who isn't actively engaging in sex, but who is hiding his orientation (what Minwalla calls "a relational life").

[There are] negative consequences that result from the creation and maintenance of a secret, sexual world…one that is kept tucked away and hidden from the relationship. 
Sexual Secrets Inflict Emotional and Psychological Damage

In order to protect and maintain a secret sexual life, perpetrators often employ various deceptive and defensive tactics, including ongoing patterns of:

  • lying outright or lying by omission
  • telling partial truths
  • intentional manipulation of the partner’s reality
  • deflecting and diverting
  • finding fault with the relationship or the partner
  • anger, intimidation, or threats
  • cover-up behaviors

These types of behaviors represent a dangerous form of emotional and psychological abuse that can lead to both short- and long-term emotional and psychological harm. Partners in these types of situations are likely to detect (consciously or subconsciously) threats in their environment, which leads to feelings of confusion and chaos. Furthermore, because these individuals often aren’t sure of where these feelings are originating from, they learn (over time) to distrust and ignore their healthy survival gut instincts and eventually may become generally hyper-vigilant and distrusting.

Sexual Secrets Erode the Integrity of the Relationship 

Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of integrity and truth that provide their members with feelings of psychological safety and stability. Sexual secrets and ongoing deceptive behaviors inevitably corrupt relationships by destroying these vital concepts of integrity and truth. The litany of lies required to maintain a secret sexual life toxically combine to create a relational system that is built on falsities and untruths. This leaves no room for integrity, no space for trust, and no chance for the growth of a solid, healthy relationship.

Sexual Secrets Divert Attention Away From the Relationship

Creating and maintaining a secret sexual or relational life while in an intimate partnership takes away time, energy, attention, intimacy, emotions, and relational (and even financial) investment from the relationship. As a result, the partner who is unaware of what’s going on is left without the attention and nurturing that they deserve. On top of this, they are likely to feel confused and anxious as to why their partner is withdrawn and unavailable. These feelings are not exclusive to the partners themselves. Having a secret sexual life can also rob children of the parental attention, time, nurturance, and devotion that play such a key role in their health and development.

Sexual Secret Holders Often Blame Their Unknowing Partners 

People who engage in secret sexual lives often need some sort of justification or rationalization in order to continue developing and maintaining their hidden worlds. It’s just much “easier” to engage in deceitful and hurtful behaviors if you perceive the “fault” as stemming from the person that you’re hurting or a diminished relationship. Unfortunately, these justifications/rationalizations often come at the expense of the unknowing partner. In such cases, the partner is blamed by the abuser for problems in the relationship that were actually more likely caused by the secret-keeping and the covert behaviors (in other words, by the perpetrator themselves). Because the abuser is unable to contain and contend with these types of negative attributions and emotions, they project them onto their partner and, as a result, feel justified in continuing their secretive and hurtful behaviors. Sadly, in the process, they also effectively erode their partner’s sense of self-esteem, connection, and intimacy.

Sexual Secrets are a Covert Form of Dominance and Control

People who hold sexual secrets and maintain a deceptive sexual reality and life while pretending to be in a honest relationship or family system are engaging in a form of abusive covert dominance and control. They essentially dehumanize their partners by withholding important information from them that would be essential for their basic navigation around survival and health. They effectively strip away their partner’s ability to truly understand key aspects of their intimate relationship, along with their power to advocate for themselves and to make healthy and self-protective decisions. Abusers who hold sexual secrets prevent their partners from taking action based on truth and reality, and ultimately keep them paralyzed in a destructive pattern of uninformed immobility.

Sexual Secrets Raise Risks

Deceptive, compartmentalized sexual-relational realities are often associated with serious and potentially life threatening risks, both for the abusers and the unknowing partners as well as their loved ones and family members. Potentially hurtful and destructive risks taken on solely by abusers, without knowledge of, or consent from, their partners, may lead to immediate danger and/or long-term damage. Risks may include engaging in unprotected sex that goes uncommunicated. Or the creation of situations that could lead to other individuals’ vengeful violence. Or retributive behaviors such as stalking or acting out on social media. Secret sexual lives ultimately create the risk of eventual separation or divorce. Each of these risks is associated with heightened potential for negative and traumatic experiences that will impact all persons involved in the relationship, including the couple’s children and other family members….
Patterns of deception, covering up, and psychological manipulation associated with secret sexual behaviors constitute a serious form of emotional, psychological, and relational abuse that is often not recognized or considered in our society.


Last edited by OutofHisCloset (April 6, 2020 7:48 am)


April 6, 2020 11:02 am  #24

Re: I'm lost and don't know what to do or think.

Thanks for posting this OOHC. It's spot on! Even for relationships that are just getting started or friendships. It's corrosive and only gets worse the longer it goes on. So much of what he describes happened to me. It's still a source of emotional pain and I got out early compared to others. I'm grateful I'm no longer feeling stuck and crazy without knowing why. I was paralyzed, confused, and unhappy. The pain of being lied to in this way is difficult to describe and I found this reference very helpful.


April 6, 2020 2:58 pm  #25

Re: I'm lost and don't know what to do or think.

I really appreciate all of you taking the time to respond to me. OutofHisCloset, thank you for being able to see me so well. I also appreciate the information that you posted by Oscar Minwalla. All of this has given much to think about and much to digest. I am taking this time of quarantine to do introspective thinking about myself and my marriage. Everything that everyone wrote is so hard hitting and at times shocking to me. It's so accurate yet also so much to take in at one time. I find that as soon as I read a comment, I have to go on a walk to think about what has been said. 

You are right about the qualifying statements...spoken like a true prof. I am very disempowered and have been for a long time. The only reason I have any confidence at all is due to my job and my ability to get away from my home. You can imagine how tough this quarantine is. You are very accurate also about the stages of the process. I do want more for myself and I feel as if I deserve more. On my walk today, I was thinking about my daughter and what I would want/hope her marriage to be. I thought about my Mom and if she had been able to experience what I have, would she want more for me. I know I wouldn't want my daughter in a marriage like this, not at all. 
One time, several years ago, I was in a psychology class and the prof was doing an exercise and asked us to close our eyes and think of someone who greatly admires us, who sees us like we want to be seen. The prof suggested that we think of our spouse or our parents. I remember in that moment thinking, that I could not picture my spouse, because he doesn't admire me or see me like how I would like to be seen. I pictured my Mom instead. 
Thank you for the information from Minwalla. I understand. I have much to think about. Thanks to all of you for being a listening ear and a rational and encouraging voice.

     Thread Starter

April 6, 2020 4:09 pm  #26

Re: I'm lost and don't know what to do or think.

yes, thanks from me too OOHC.   those quotes from Minwalla are so affirming of what we experience.  


April 7, 2020 12:39 am  #27

Re: I'm lost and don't know what to do or think.

Karis wrote:

This is all very new to me and I’m terrified about even writing on this board. I have been married for 22 years. We have two children. They are age 19 and 16. I can’t even believe that I am writing on a board like this but I need help. I need guidance. I don’t know why I’m here. Here goes:

Welcome Karis! I am so sorry that you have had to come to this site but know that there are good people here who have had to go through similar experiences and are here to help.

Karis wrote:

My husband is very religious. He used to be a pastor. His Dad was a pastor and so was his Dad. My husband’s father is very narcissistic and selfish. Everything is always about him and the family has always catered to his wishes. I feel like my husband was always seeking to gain his father’s approval.
My husband and I met in college. I have my own issues with my father and with men in general. I’ve always been a bit frightened by them. I was scared of my own father because he would often lose his temper around us. My husband, we’ll call him C was very unassuming and gentle.  I was a virgin when we married. My husband had had sex with one other girl (who he was engaged with at the time but it didn’t work out). This was mainly because of religious beliefs about sex before marriage. My husband and I had make out sessions before we were married and everything seemed normal. Things changed after we were married. This is something that even he will admit to. He says that I wasn’t interested in sex anymore, but the truth is, sex wasn’t what I thought it would be, but how was I to know what is normal or what isn’t when I’ve never had sex before. On our wedding night, I was so happy that we didn’t have to hide our bodies anymore. That we could finally be free with showing ourselves to one another without guilt. I remember the night of our wedding, taking my top off and dancing around and showing him my breasts. His response was, “Oh my gosh, is nothing sacred!?” I was shocked and a bit embarrassed.

Our stories are very similar. My wife and I were both virgins on our wedding night. We had fooled around quite a bit while courting but we held out until our wedding night to actually have sexual intercourse. I was totally underwhelmed by the experience. When it came time for us to go back to our hotel room, she lay back on the bed, hoisted her dress and seemingly said "stick it in me." When we did get around to having sex she wasn't at all into it -- she seemed to be biding her time until she could go to sleep. It was like sex was something for me and she was just trying to be a good sport about it.

Karis wrote:

Our sex has never been good. Several years ago, before children, he told me that he didn’t want to have oral sex anymore. He told me at the time that he felt like it was demeaning to me and he didn’t want to do that to me either. I brushed it off as nothing and we never did it again until recently.

Sex always seemed like it was a chore for my wife. At the end when I asked her about this she told me that yes, in fact, it did feel like a chore to her. She wasn't into it at all, and she said that she would rather clean a bathroom than have sexual intercourse with me.

Karis wrote:

I have always felt like there was something missing from our relationship, really even before we were married but I think I thought that I could make him love me more. I thought that after we had children together that there would be no way that he couldn’t love me the way that I needed. I’ve always been so in love with everything about him. His looks, his brain, his jokes. I’ve always complimented, encouraged, uplifted and supported him. I have never received any of that in return. It’s always been about him. His life, his goals, and what he needs. He never puts his arm around me, he never looks at me like Im the most beautiful person to him, he doesn’t support or encourage me and is definitely lacking in empathy.  He grows tired and loses interest in what Im saying if it is longer than a minute or two. He makes fun of me a lot, which I used to laugh at and take in stride, but now it hurts. He was always able to be that person for people in the church but not for me. I felt like I would get more from him if I was a member of the congregation rather than his wife.

My wife was always a very high maintenance spouse. She had a lot of self esteem issues and I spent inordinate amounts of energy and time trying to lift her up daily. I would tell her how amazing I thought she was, I would tell her how beautiful I thought she was, I would tell her how she made me feel like I had married up in life :-)

When we went on long car rides, my wife wouldn't speak to me. 8 hours in the car and three syllables spoken "can we stop?" She would get on the phone and talk to her parents and siblings for hours. She would read books. She would take long naps. When I asked her why she wouldn't talk to me, she simply replied "I have nothing to say to you. What would we have to talk about anyway?"

My wife didn't want any sort of physical connections. She didn't want any sort of public displays of affection. We never physically touched in public. One person commented on us getting divorced that it didn't surprise them at all because in 10 years they had never seen us physically touch one another.

Karis wrote:

I could wear anything around him and he never seems to be turned on by me. I am not overweight and I have aged well. Only if he can tell that I am actually trying to turn him on will he then have sex with me, but never unless he knows that is what I am getting at. For example, if I wear tight pants or short shorts or a revealing top-he wont notice or do anything or come on to me. One time, I put on a wet t-shirt for him when he walked in the bedroom, he smiled and his response was…something along the lines of …wow. What’s this? And we did end up having sex but he’s never like…Oh my God, I have to have you right now. We only have sex at night in the bedroom, lights off, unless I initiate it at a different time. He says, that it’s me that wants the lights off but I don’t care. I wouldn’t feel self-conscious if he didn’t make me feel that way. My self-esteem is shot because I know something is wrong.

A heterosexual spouse will definitely get turned on by the actions of their spouse trying to get their attention. If your husband didn't notice you dressing for him I would consider that a big red flag. When our spouses reject us like this it eats away at what little self esteem we have left. I dropped a significant amount of weight, started exercising a lot, and was looking very good. My wife never even noticed. The only thing she noticed was that other people were noticing and she didn't like that one bit. She didn't want me, but she sure as heck didn't want anyone else to want me either!

Karis wrote:

The only time he seems interested in me sexually is at night right before we go to sleep. We are roommates or good friends during the day. One time he could tell that I was wearing a low cut shirt and my breasts were showing a bit..he pointed it out and said, “that’s cute”. He treats me in a lot of ways like a child or like a prized possession. I feel like he uses me and the children as his props for proof of a perfect life. He loves his kids, don’t get me wrong, and I even believe he loves me, but not in the way that he should.

You've been to a lot of church over the years. The Greek language had multiple words that were translated to "love". Eros is the Greek word for love between lovers, like husband and wife. Philia is a brotherly love, like the love between friends. It sounds like your husband and my wife both had Philia for their spouses but are incapable of feeling Eros because they have same-sex attraction.

Karis wrote:

He is very concerned about appearances and what others think of him. Some of this is from being born into and being a part of a pastor family.

Image the perceived shame and humiliation he would bring upon himself, his family and his family's name, if he were to come out to the world as a homosexual! He needed to have a "normal" family so that his masculinity would never be in question. Marrying a beautiful wife and have a beautiful family nobody would ever suspect him of being gay now would they? He was more than happy to sacrifice your happiness and rob you of a fulfilling marital relationship to ensure that his projected image could remain intact.

Karis wrote:

We became busy with raising our children and I knew he wasn’t as affectionate to me as he should be, that he didn’t seem to desire me like he should (unless it was 5 mintues before we went to sleep) but I was tired from raising kids. I would bring up issues with him occasionally about not feeling appreciated or feeling used but we would fight and then maybe things would get better for a week but then they would go back to the way they were.
We always had sex the same way, unless I initiated something different. Occasionally he might try something, but those days were few and far between. We never had oral sex. He barely every touched my vagina and never wanted to go down on me and never asked to.
I rarely ever had an orgasm, but I thought that that was how sex was supposed to be. I thought that sex was mainly for men. He rarely looks at me during sex and in the moment of him having an orgasm, his head is buried in my pillow, while I stare at the ceiling.

I'm so sorry you have had to endure that. You deserve better!

Karis wrote:

A man at work started showing interest in me and I began seeing everything differently. My kids were old now and my daughter had just left for college. I had only been working full time for the first time in my life, for the past 4 years. I was gaining independence and confidence. The man at work, we’ll call him R was infatuated with me. He loved everything about me and looked for excuses to touch me. He wanted me to be happy no matter what. He encouraged me. He saw things in me that I didn’t even see in myself. He thought I was ridiculously beautiful and interesting and creative. He told me he loved me and I fell hard for him. He’s nothing like my husband. He doenst care at all about what people think of him. He’s short, overweight, and balding. He is not someone that I would typically fall for but he loves me like no other. He’s a man’s man. My husband is tall, thin, attractive, and has soft features.

Take your time in finding our what you want and what you need. Don't settle for the first person to show interest in you just because you have been starved for love and affection for so long. Take stock in yourself and what you need in life. What are the things for which you are looking for in a relationship? What are the things for which you are unwilling to compromise? What are the things that you need to be fulfilled?

Karis wrote:

I began to notice the differences in how I felt around my work friend and how I felt around my husband. I confided in my work friend and he was shocked to find out about my sex life and how I was treated. I began to see things differently and I wondered if my husband was gay or bi.
I noticed that he never checked out other women, but always nodded and met other men’s eyes. I thought this was out of respect for me, but now I don’t know. I told my husband that I wanted to have oral sex again. He was worried that I was going to leave him due to my suspicious activity so he complied. I gave him a bj but he would never reach orgasm that way. He would go down on me but it felt like he was so concerned with getting things out of the way, like a Dr inspecting things than actually enjoying himself. He would wash his mouth out with mouthwash afterwards.

My wife would do the exact same thing after oral sex -- it was a cleansing and purification ritual where she would go into the bathroom, rinse her mouth, brush her teeth, and rinse with mouthwash. It was like she was doing everything to cleanse herself of me. Like I was some sort of pariah.

Karis wrote:

One day we were on a walk and he noticed a man running in small shorts. He said, “Why do guys run around in such small shorts like that?!? I can see the white parts of his skin!” He meant that he could see the parts of his legs that were not tan. We saw him again later and I said, “I thought he was wearing red shorts but he’s wearing blue ones.” And my husband said “I think his underwear is red.”
My husband has always had strong male friendships and never close relationships with women, which again, I thought was out of respect for me. He seems to confide in them more though and tell them things that he doesn’t tell me. Like how he feels about certain things etc.
He has close friends that are gay. At least 3. One of these friends sent him postcard in the mail addressed to just him, even though he is a friend of the entire family.
My husband is constantly talking about the issue of homosexuality and religion and how to address it. We talk about it often-all the time. He recently befriended a gay man and they have been sending each other long emails (one email took my husband an hour and half to write). He says they are discussing the church and sexuality.

Lots of little red flags in all that!

The fact that he doesn't notice other women... I can't help noticing a beautiful woman. I try not to be boorish about it but I can't help but catch a glance. It is only natural.

Where his eyes were drawn to at that runner you encountered... If a guy runs by me with short shorts on I'm not checking out his butt or his junk I just say don't wash those things in hot! :-)

His strong interest in the subject of homosexuality and "how to deal with it" are also a bit suspect if you ask me.

Karis wrote:

I have become recently depressed and my Dr put me on antidepressants. He knows this but never asks me how I am doing or how I am feeling. The other day he wanted to FaceTime his new gay friend because he is alone and depressed during this coronavirus quarantine. How am I supposed to feel about that?

The fact that he is concerned about how his gay friend is doing with the quarantine and not concerned enough about you to even ask even though he knows you are now on anti-depressants...

Karis wrote:

He doesn’t watch porn to my knowledge and has only recently gotten on any social media. I have never suspected that he has cheated on me, or watched porn or had gay hook ups. I have just always felt like there was something missing from our relationship. When I explain this to him, he gets angry, and says that there is nothing missing. I know that something isn’t right or I would never have been attracted to this man at work. He’s not my type and if I was happy and fulfilled in my relationship with my husband I know I would not be tempted by him. Not that it matters, but I have not had sex with this man, because I can’t cheat on my husband but yet I feel like there is a whole entire life that I am missing out on. I am missing out on someone loving me entirely, desiring me, and being interested in me.

Your instincts are perking up because in the aggregate, all these little issues added up are telling you that something isn't right.

If you decide that you feel your husband is, in fact gay, do him and yourself the favor of ending your relationship with him before you start a new relationship with someone else.

My wife cheated on me and the pain that caused was unbearable! She was downright cruel in the way she betrayed me, her incessant lies, and the indifference to our marriage, relationship, friendship, children and family. She had not a care in the world for anyone or anything but her affair. There was not a single thought about the consequences of her actions. She could have been fired from her job. She could have contracted sexually transmitted diseases and shared them with me. She even went so far as to say that the only thing she was sorry about was the fact that I was hurt by her sleeping around.

Karis wrote:

Do you think my husband is gay or bi? He’s always been interested in sex, whenever I want to, but he normally just never thinks about it until right before we go to sleep. He is still able to maintain an erection and an orgasm. We do not have anal sex but he does like to have sex with me from behind.
In a recent argument, I asked him if he was bisexual. He assured me that he was not but he wasn’t offended and actually almost seemed flattered. I told him that I wish he was because it would make everything make sense.
He has met another gay friend for lunch, about once a week. He said that they are talking about their dissertations etc. I really don’t have any reason to think that’s not true.
What do you guys think? I don’t know what to do.

Where there is smoke, there is generally fire...

If it walks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, you are most likely dealing with a duck.

I think that there is enough in the body of evidence that you have presented that most reasonable people would come to the conclusion that your husband probably is at least bi-sexual if not outright gay.

There is hope. Life can get better. LOTS better! You deserve better! You deserve to be loved by someone who is as amazing as yourself! You deserve to be loved in the same way by someone who can return that love! You deserve to be happy and fulfilled in your relationship!


April 7, 2020 12:39 pm  #28

Re: I'm lost and don't know what to do or think.

So very sorry.
Not much to add that the others did not say so very well..

I think another red flag is the age of your kids.   I dont know what it is...they see the teenagers going off to college and having fun and they have some sort of jealousy or something.  It makes them act without thought to us.   
Your trying to wrap your head around his behavior but your gut or bones or intuition..call it what you will is trying to protect you or tell you otherwise.

Gather strength. Know that you are worth so much more than be hurt and rejected.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

April 7, 2020 4:35 pm  #29

Re: I'm lost and don't know what to do or think.


Your husband is very clever with how he is hiding in the closet. You have no concrete proof. That’s very tough position he put you in. Plus, he’s a pastor who is supposed to be wise & truthful.

I am religious and attend services (through YouTube now) and meditate/pray daily.  I have often not known which decision to make. Some priests give mediocre advice, are inexperienced,  or are caught doing the wrong thing. I can’t rely on their guidance sometimes.

I skip them and go to the top.  I pray for guidance to my higher power (God as I know her or him) on what to do. Eventually, the spirit (my intuition) does nudge me. Following that has always turned out to be the best action to take.

I hope you find the right path to follow for yourself. Take care!

Last edited by MJM017 (April 7, 2020 4:36 pm)

No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

April 9, 2020 9:44 am  #30

Re: I'm lost and don't know what to do or think.

I did something I'm not proud of and checked my husband's email. I know it's a violation of privacy but I am so desperate for answers, and being in quarantine makes everything 10 times worse. His computer was up, and like you said MJM017 I felt the Spirit nudge me to check. Or maybe it was myself, I don't know. I found an email that he had sent to his gay friend, they are always very lengthy emails and I was pressed for time and couldn't read the entire email. He has told me in the past that they are discussing homosexuality and the church and religion etc.

At first what I was reading, I felt like was confirmation but now Im not so sure. My husband was telling him about his own upbringing, issues with his father etc. I do feel like they were really discussing gender norms etc but I don't know. Maybe now I am more confused than ever. My husband mentioned to him a time that I had forgotten about when our son was little, I guess 2nd or 3rd grade, and he was sitting with his legs crossed and the teacher asked him, why he sat like that, and my son responded with, "I guess because my Dad does". The email also talked about how I am the sole breadwinner in our family...again gender norms. At one point in the email he said, in a joking way, I guess, "maybe I have sexual identity issues". 

What do you guys think of all this? Were they really just discussing gender norms or do you think there is more to it?
I appreciate all the responses to my post. The encouragement means so much. I recently did a telehealth conference with my Dr and she upped my anti-depressants because I am not handling quarantine well, as you can imagine.

I appreciate having this board to help me sort through the confusion in my mind. Thank you to MJM017, Rob, and Davin.  Davin, I appreciate you taking the time to help me see things in my own words. You are right about so much. I am so sorry to hear about your experience with your wife. You are right when you say, "if you feel your husband is, in fact gay, do him and yourself the favor of ending your relationship with him before you start a new relationship with someone else." I will admit it has been difficult not giving in to my friend at work. I haven't but he is like a drug to me. I feel like I have gone my whole life not receiving attention and desire and then suddenly it is being offered to me, but I don't want to cheat on my husband, if not for him, than for my children. Thank you for your message of encouragement and support. 

I know that there are more emails that my husband and his "friend" have written to each other, and I know they text occasionally and my husband FaceTimed him last week. So I know I can't base their entire relationship off of reading one email. I guess I just wanted to keep you all up to date with what was going on. I hope and pray that I have answers soon.

One more thing-we have never watched porn throughout our entire marriage. When I was meeting with my therapist during fall of last year, she suggested that my husband and I watch something to maybe spice things up because I was not being satisfied. We did, and it helps in some ways but in another way I feel like it is masking the problem. My husband wants sex from me and he doesn't have an issue with achieving an erection, the problem is that I feel like the emotional connection is not there. It feels robotic and as if I could be anyone lying there, as if it doesnt matter that its me. I feel like watching porn just diverts our attention in a way.

Anyway last night he mentioned to me that we should start watching that again, "to help us". I dont really know what that means. We just had sex a few days ago, because he feels like he has to have it every 2 weeks. I wonder if he wants to watch it because he wants to see the guy-not the girl. I don't know. I just have so many unanswered questions. Thank you as always for listening. 

Last edited by Karis (April 9, 2020 9:47 am)

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