OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
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- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Completely devastated
I can't remember if you've said you've told anybody else what's happening....Have you thought of anyone else you can confide in? A counselor, your doctor?
KIA KAHA
- Rob
- Member
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Re: Completely devastated
Katkan02,
Crying is ok. I had to learn that..a grown middle-aged man crying. It means we are human and feel. It's what separates us from these hurtful spouses.
It is a nightmare..but know that it has a beginning, a middle , and an end. Start taking baby steps forward..you took one by posting here. Know that it is not forever.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Davin
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Re: Completely devastated
katkan02 wrote:
Hi All, not sure how I stumbled upon this site but am glad I did. Sitting here with tears streaming down my cheeks, not even sure what I want to write.
I am sorry to hear about your situation. Nobody wants to belong to this club! Know that you are not alone and that we are all here to help you through this most difficult time.
But I feel a little comfort when I read posts from other women in the same position as me, who are telling their story as though it were my own.
Knowing that there are others out there who have or are experiencing the exact same thing as you certainly helps. You can come here and find sympathetic listeners and get advice from people who are farther along in this process than yourself. I know it was huge for me to find people who understood because I just didn't have anyone with whom I could share the craziness of my life with locally.
When I read some of the stories I felt like I could just change the names and it sounded exactly like my own.
We are both 55 years old..how do I start again? There's a lot going on in my head. I have this coworkers phone number and wondering whether to call and confront him? should I call his wife? I now have to start plan to leave, which is so hard to do when this is not something you ever prepared for. Lord please take this burden of me, please.
You are already on your way. You know that he has been unfaithful to you with another man and you know that you deserve better than that! Without trust in a relationship, you can't have a successful relationship. You also have to take care of yourself -- who knows what sort of dangers he could be exposing you too because of his risky behavior?
We are here for you. Reach out to the members of this site and you have a community of caring people who will be there for you. You can get through this and things can and will get better for you!
- Mimi
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Re: Completely devastated
Hi Kat
Reading your story, felt like reading my own. Still remember the rush I felt when I saw the emails and websites. I could hear my heart popping out. There’s no shock like it. You grieve your own identity at the same time too.
I agree with all said above. Don’t confront the coworker or the wife. Be smart. Start planning your exit or whatever works for you best. Even if it means staying. Think about yourself first. I was ashamed of telling people around me too. But the moment I confided in a close friend and my family, they all supported unconditionally.
I’m one year out and it was the best decision to leave the rabbit hole. Take your time, plan and be smart. Who cares if it’s your second marriage?! It’s one life you’re given.
Good luck!
- Leslie77
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Re: Completely devastated
Kat,
I am sorry for what you are going through.
My horrible journey began two years ago and I discovered this site in early January of this year. It appears there are more than a few of us, in our 50s and 60s, who have found ourselves in this sad situation. I'm on my second marriage too and I am 64 years old. I still don't understand how my husband supposedly suddenly woke up one day and decided to start wearing women's clothing (his explanation), going to Drag Queen shows, gay bars, etc. After lots of soul searching, and helpful advice on this Forum, I have realized that whatever happened or whatever he is, it's just not for me. I am not sure how much time I have remaining on this Earth, but I don't want to spend it with someone who lies and deceives me. On to another adventure - whatever God has planned for me.
Reiterating Mimi's words, take your time, plan and be smart.
I wish you all the best.
- Simpatica
- Member
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Re: Completely devastated
Hi everyone,
I have read over so many posts and am so thankful for this forum. So much heartbreak and suffering.
I’ve been married for 5 years to a ‘Christian’ man. He posed as a Christian and yet I have never seen him open his bible. He won’t have anything to do with church or spirituality with me.
This is my second marriage and his first. I am 50 and he is 57 years old. I have found evidence of gay behaviour i.e. a text message, nude photos of himself, questionable friends, Vaseline, a douche, going to gay beaches... and have always felt things are off with him, I guess you could say. He’s a macho guy and homophobic.
Last week I put a GPS tracker on his vehicle and can see that he goes to a park or two on his way home from work. This place is notorious for hookups and he even took me there to use the portapotty a few weeks ago. Men were staring at us and I could see that the single men in cars. My friend actually thinks he went in to the portapotty for a hookup while I was waiting in the car. He told me after to not go in there, it’s really dirty. Could he have taken me there to mock me and actually have a hookup? Or did he want to show me where he goes?
We have only had sex 2 times in 2020 and it wasn’t even good for him. He is in this devious behaviour even while we are in quarantine for a pandemic which is utterly shocking. He has a very volatile personality, can be violent and gaslight as you say. There is absolutely no conversation about our marriage or relationship. He is fine as long as you don’t poke the bear.
I have a psychologist, lawyer, family and friends that know about this. I feel fully supported, I have a place to go which I am grateful for.
My question for you is, to know if there is any value discussing the situation with him? I wouldn’t reveal that I have proof that he goes to these parks but I somehow want to have a mature, civil conversation about our marriage dying and how can we manage the logistics of separating??
Of course I would love to tell him what I know but I can’t, that would make the situation impossible. There are thoughts from my support group that I just pack up and leave, then file for divorce. I don’t like taking off like a thief in the night and I am enraged that I am the one that would have to leave in order to end it. I’m working full time and it’s so unsettling to have to grab this and that just because we can’t have a conversation.
Does anyone have any thoughts on this?
I really can’t live like this knowing where he’s going and coming home pretending that everything is fine. I do have an option of getting a microphone for the vehicle or a Private Investigator to have video footage.
Your insight is so appreciated. I know that you’ve all been through this and it’s just so devastating.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
I hope you are all safe and well.