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March 24, 2020 10:15 pm  #1


Completely devastated

Hi All, not sure how I stumbled upon this site but am glad I did.  Sitting here with tears streaming down my cheeks, not even sure what I want to write.  But I feel a little comfort when I read posts from other women inin the same position as me, who are telling their story as though it were my own.  I have long suspected my husband sleeps with men, but the closest I have come with evidence maybe an ambiguous email or so.  But for the last two years I have suspected that his relationship with a male coworker was not a normal guy to guy friendship but more than that.  This friend is also a married man and his wife and in fact this guy's wife works in the same agency  as him and my husband.  In the last 2 weeks I was able to log into my husbands text messages, they were very evident of an ongoing and regular meets they coded "business design review, " shortened to BDS.  They use a lot of code words.  They have regular meet points usually during the day when am at work and when he has his hair grooming appointments, and it appears when the other guys wife is out tuning errands or she's st work too.  They have been so comfortable meeting weekly at times twice in a week.  My stomach was on fire and heart rate out of the roof thought I would have a stroke or heart attack. I managed to listen into their conversation on 2 occaassions.   It is weird that they talk about a lot of stuff first and if you were listening you think that you are just imagining stuff and crazy, but it was at the end of their conversation, that the sex talk begins.  Although I only heard bits and pieces from the other side of the conversation, my husbands responses were clear.  Talking about its been a 2 weeks and half and now this "corona virus shit."  That, I am "cramping his style by being home during this time."  that they would make it work for the weekend, something has to give.  Its weird how they talk about me and the guys wife in conversation, even making fun of the excuses they make would not fly because of the shelter in place that's going on now. In the background I heard a lot of porn and distinctively heard my husbands voice, as it appears he was clicking through different videos of himself during sex..whether this was chat room sex..  I have no idea, but it was defintely his voice through out.  I was crashed knowing that all this dirt goes on in my house when I turn my back.   In the phone conversation, this same guy says something and my husband says "how many times are we going to talk about this..trust, he's been waking up to the sun lately, I got you, I got you...The most hurtful and insulting  thing is how he denies when I confronted him about it.  This has been the pattern during our entire marriage when it comes to his lustful and deceitful ways; which there have been quite a bit.  I think it would make things a little better if only he would come clean with me but he wont, and adamantly denies.  I think that is what hurts me the most.  This is my second marriage and am broken.  I have been married to this guy since 2006, and my family loves love him.  It is killing me because this is not something I can share openly with my friends and the shame of it reflects directly at me.  I cant concentrate on anything, my world is shut down.  We are both 55 years old..how do I start again?   There's a lot going on in my head.  I have this coworkers phone number and wondering whether to call and confront him?  To ket him jnow that i know their dirty little secret. should I call his wife?   Now i am forced to begin thinking about leaving, which is so hard to do when this is not something you ever prepared for.  Lord please take this burden of me, please.  To add salt to the injury, I am dealing with my mother back home who was diagnosed with an aggressive malignant brain tumor early January and is very very ill. I just returned from that trip exhausted and broken already just to find this here.  I am emotionally drained and numb.

Last edited by katkan02 (April 1, 2020 4:05 am)

 

March 25, 2020 1:50 am  #2


Re: Completely devastated

katkan02 wrote:

....... It is killing me because this is not something I can share openly with my friends and the shame of it reflects directly at me. ......

 

Welcome to the Forum Kat  

Why can't you share this with a specific friend or member of your family?.....the shame will be all his when you finally realise that you don't have to keep his secret
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

March 25, 2020 6:01 am  #3


Re: Completely devastated

Katkan02,

So sorry.. If you put aside the gay thing...its devastating when you hear them talking badly about you.  My GX and her girlfriend had a few choice names for me.  It was like I was 5 years old again and a friend on the playground switched allegiances...except here my friend was someone I knew for decades and had kids with.

The hurt and trauma youre feeling is his loyalty and allegiance to his gay friend over you.  We can feel it in our bones.  My GX expected my continued loyalty and had some sick amusement with my hurt.

I don't think this being your second or even tenth marriage makes any difference..he is talking crap about you and cheating and lying..  That is not love or even friendship.

Discretely build a support system..do not keep his secret..they are not Gods or royalty..they have forfeited our loyalty and trust when they chose others over us.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

March 25, 2020 8:55 am  #4


Re: Completely devastated

Calling either the coworker or the wife tips your hand. You should not do this until you have your own plans formulated and ready to activate or underway.

Find someone you can confide in. A true friend has your back even if they don't 100% understand the situation. In any case, I expect they will understand the infidelity aspect. You were deceived, do not put the scarlet letter of shame on yourself. You did not make this happen. The letter goes on him.

If you decide to confront anyone, I think the co-worker might be a waste of time as they are already part of the deception and probably eager to continue it. If you talk to the other spouse, be prepared for complete rejection of the evidence. Also be prepared for what you are going through, complete chaos in the world she thought she lived in. To be honest, I'm not sure how you approach that other than to be kind. Others may have some ideas.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

March 25, 2020 9:11 am  #5


Re: Completely devastated

I have been married to this guy since 2006, and my family loves love him.  It is killing me because this is not something I can share openly with my friends and the shame of it reflects directly at me.  I cant concentrate on anything, my world is shut down. 

Girl, I am SO glad that you are here! 

A lot of us have the same story. Mine would not come clean either. Denied, denied and denied everything. 

I actually thought I was crazy. Like nuts/crazy. Like girl go get some serious help crazy. 

I remember going to my best friend one day and saying "Either he is cheating on me or Im crazy and Im not sure which one it is but it's probably that Im crazy!".

He was amazing at covering his butt. He had a separate phone for this affairs so I never ever saw a text.

Girl, You are not crazy. A woman knows when she's ready and its your time.

If you need to hire a private I to have proof before you walk away; Do that! 

But I'll tell you what NOT to do anymore... It's question question and re-question yourself constantly.

I am so very very sorry to hear that this is happening. And you aren't crazy. 

You have a network of men and women here who have been through it. Use us. 

Much much love. 
 

 

March 25, 2020 9:27 am  #6


Re: Completely devastated

There is never a good time to find out that your spouse or significant other is cheating on you, particularly with a man or men because it calls into question the whole basis of the relationship.

As a woman whose husband of 30+ years vacated his closet and our marriage just before I turned 60 what helped me during the shock, grief and anger stages was a pamphlet I found at church written for widows. No casseroles or insurance but he was gone and It helped me focus on how I wanted to live the rest of my life.

Your husband probably will not make a move to end the marriage so it will be up to you to decide if and when you want that. You are approaching retirement age so this discovery changes all the plans, expectations and dreams. Don't let it devastate the finances too. Use your detective skills to find out if he was been doing secret things with money that you have or has been running up debts. Talk to friends who have been divorced fairly recently and find out what attorneys/solicitors they used and whether or not they were satisfied with the results. Even if you don't want to divorce now you need to have a game plan so you are not in a bad way if you decide you that's what you want. A consultation with an attorney can help you understand the laws where you live so you do not make mistakes in the meantime.

The cold, hard fact is finances matter. That you are working is good but now he knows you are onto him he is going to do everything he can to protect himself. You will need to make time to do the same. If he is the beneficiary on your life insurance and retirement accounts you can remove him through the companies which hold them. You can open new savings and checking accounts in your name only. You can remove him as an authorized user on any credit cards that were issued in your name. Don't call the man or his wife if for no better reason than you have enough on your plate now and this could make your situation worse.

"Happy Now" has posted recently about her life post-divorce and there are other older women besides me who post here and have built satisfying new lives. If you can find a therapist for yourself - not a marriage therapist but one who will help you personally grow through this - it can be easier.

Welcome to the club that no one wanted to join. You can get through this.


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

March 25, 2020 9:51 am  #7


Re: Completely devastated

HI Abby, Ellexoh_nz, Rob, Daryl and Happy Now.thank you so much for all your kind responses. I am taking this all in, in a way this feels like therapy for me.  I come from a culture where seeking therapy for anything was never something we knew, therapy was families getting to know about your problems and discussing them and moving on.  This is very new to me.  Unfortunately, I don't share a lot with my friends regarding my husband's infidelities or very personal intimate things, as I don't trust they would keep this to themselves.  I choose to keep a lot of personal things to myself, and share some only with my two sisters who are much younger than me but mature enough to keep my sharing with them confidential.  Again this is something that was embedded in my from a very young age "what happens in your home stays in your home."  Unfortunately, although I have a very good job in healthcare with the federal government, unfortunately I am less than 6 years in this profession and wont do much for my retirement, in a way, I was (before all this) secured in that way because of his income and all, we were even planning early retirement.  But you know what, I know this is still so fresh, but I thank God for this forum as I believe, this is where I will find helpful information from people like yourself who have been through similar situations and came out of it.  Sure, as for finances, it is a concern for me, but at this present moment, it is my sanity that I would like to take a hold of..am just so confused...I agree about not calling his coworker and especially not his wife, and daryl you are right this is not the kind of pain, chaos and heartache I would want to put on someone else, but I just feel so sorry for her..these guys are good at making things look like they are perfect..a beautiful home, financial support, and always home..this is mind blowing..how they cover their tracks..I just cant wrap my head around this..it is like am living in an endless nightmare..

Last edited by katkan02 (March 25, 2020 10:03 am)

     Thread Starter
 

March 25, 2020 10:20 am  #8


Re: Completely devastated

Thank you so much Happy Now.

     Thread Starter
 

March 25, 2020 2:46 pm  #9


Re: Completely devastated

katkan02 wrote:

..........this is mind blowing..how they cover their tracks..I just cant wrap my head around this..it is like am living in an endless nightmare..

 

You said Kat....a nightmare. Except it won't be endless because as you unravel it (and make no mistake....it's  a huge ball of dishonest, secretive & confusing string) and learn that the knots your life has been unknowingly tied in are not tight enough that they can never be undone........you'll discover more about yourself and the lengths you have to go to..to stop what's happening to your life. One day at a time is how you should look at it.....for now
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

March 25, 2020 3:36 pm  #10


Re: Completely devastated

Hello Ellex, thank you so much.  Today has been a really bad day, I have cried and cried and cried..but like you said, take it one day at a time.  

     Thread Starter
 

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