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March 19, 2020 10:15 pm  #1


Feeling Isolated

My husband and I got married in the summer of 2016 and have lived what I thought was an amazing life together. On January 1st, I found evidence of an affair with a man and I was devastated. I immediately reached out to friends and family and a therapist. All have been very supportive, but none truly understand the situation. On January 23rd, my husband finally said out loud that he is gay. My husband has been my best friend for the last 6.5 years. The thought of divorcing someone I love so deeply has been heartbreaking. With the support of friends and family, I was starting to regain some semblance of myself back recently. 

Within the past week, though, my work has shut down due to Corona Virus (I am a teacher) and everyone is being encouraged to stay in their own houses.  My husband was originally planning on moving out this week while I went to visit a friend in another state. Now that travel is restricted, I'm staying at my parents while my husband moves out our home. I have suddenly lost my in-person support network, my typical contact with people from work, and any normalcy that was remaining in my life. I'm hoping to find some virtual support here from people who are in similar situations.

Stefanie

 

March 19, 2020 11:06 pm  #2


Re: Feeling Isolated

Hi!  So sorry you are here, but glad you found this site. It is helpful to communicate with others in similar situations.

Divorce is very difficult to have to consider when you never imagined your life taking that path, but when TGT is an issue, it’s often the best choice. Not only are we dealing with a sexual orientation issue, but many times if not most, betrayal, lie after lie, and just disrespect by someone we thought was a partner, and would have our back for life! 

It is a difficult process, but can bring a great deal of peace in the end. I had been married over 32 years when I finally figured out exactly what it was I had not been able to
Put my finger on over the years (knowing something wasn’t right). After much pressure & questioning he admitted he was “wondering if he is bi”. I knew right then he was all out gay & there was no telling what had gone on over the years. And I ended up being correct. He was a pathological liar, as are most form what I can pick up on here.

Getting out sooner than later could save even more heartache.
Best wishes!

 

March 20, 2020 6:20 am  #3


Re: Feeling Isolated

Stefanie, 
So sorry for your loss.  This is a helpful site.  For me, finding it a few months ago was like finding a life saving device when I was drowning.  I am glad that you reached out to family and friends and immediately found a therapist.  I kept quiet for almost two years.  Someone recently told me "when you keep a secret, it's like it isn't real".  I was starting to question my own sanity.

Everyone has to make their own choice.  I decided to leave my husband of 12 years and we are in the process of divorcing.  It is very sad.  He was my best friend.  Even worse, after the point of no return he started to insist that it was all just a phase and he could change.  No.  The lying and deceiving was the worst part.  When you lose trust and respect for someone, it is probably never coming back.  

It is scary for me to be going through this and the corona virus on top of it is gut-wrenching.  I just try to get through each day.  Having family with me, and listening to spiritual/religious podcasts helps.  I try to go outside every day for a walk.  I am just grateful I am not self-isolating with my STB ex.  

Best wishes and peace to you. 

 

March 20, 2020 12:47 pm  #4


Re: Feeling Isolated

Maybe see if your therapist has any remote offerings?

I am years out but it astounds me to this day the army of of support I needed..grateful but can still remember coming to this forum a complete basket case.  Find support whereever you can and know it's not your fault.  The hurt is beyond comprehension..a special straight spouse victims unit is really needed.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

March 20, 2020 5:32 pm  #5


Re: Feeling Isolated

Hi Stefanie,

Apologies in advance because I know this isn't easy reading but I think the thing we need in order to recover is an accounting of the heart.  So in a way this stay at home thing is good because it gives you a chance to wade right into a bit of reflection.  It will be okay.  you will recover.

I don't love my ex any more.  I used to.  But then this point came and I just felt he's used it all up.  I don't love him any more.  (one too many self serving lies).  And then by the time we were divorced I had seen him in a new light - not the person I thought he was at all, not the person I loved.  He acted all nice but it was like I had been interacting with a sock puppet while the real person was standing in the shadows behind.  What a fool he made of me.  It burns to recognise that and so, like us all, we avoid it as far as we can but it's like vomiting - it's better out than in and then you can recover.

The way I see it the love I felt for him is a pearl in my heart.  Not his.

Last edited by lily (March 20, 2020 5:34 pm)

 

March 20, 2020 6:42 pm  #6


Re: Feeling Isolated

Dear Stefanie,

I’m very sorry this happened. It hurts like heck & takes a while to heal from.  At least he’ll be gone from your home in a matter of days.

FaceTime & telephone calls seem to be it nowadays. It’s tough but this shelter in place will save many lives. Take care & post as much as you need.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

March 21, 2020 10:42 am  #7


Re: Feeling Isolated

Hi Stefanie,
Welcome and I’m sorry you ended up here as well, although I’m so grateful for this site. It gives me sanity while trying to get through all the lies from my STBX.
I can’t imagine how hard it would be to all of a sudden have to be so alone. I’m in a forced isolation “pretend happy little family” situation with my lying gay in denial husband while trying to help all 5 of the kids keep up with schoolwork during this virus outbreak... of course I dream about being alone, but I know in reality that isolation is one of the worst things while you’re grieving and trying to get over the shock of your world crumbling apart.
Are you able to talk with your parents about all of this? And maybe you can see if any of your friends would be willing to set up regular phone calls or even text to check up on you?

 

March 24, 2020 4:29 pm  #8


Re: Feeling Isolated

Hi Stephanie,

I am 6.5 years out and although ive done all the work to put it behind me and my life is amazing now, I still remember like it was yesterday those first few days, weeks, months and I don't wish it on anyone!

I am thinking of starting a small group chat on ZOOM this week to talk it out. Message me if you would like to join. Might as well as we are all at home, to be connected with others who have been through it is WONDERFUl. 

Please know that you are not alone! It is scary right now and you will be ok.
 

 

March 24, 2020 7:23 pm  #9


Re: Feeling Isolated

Thank you all for your responses! I am able to talk with my parents and some friends about what is going on. They try to check in, but with all of the craziness in the world right now there's not anything happening on a regular basis and obviously nothing in person, which is difficult. 

     Thread Starter
 

March 25, 2020 9:21 am  #10


Re: Feeling Isolated

Hi Ladies,

Stefanie and I are going to hop on a zoom call later today.

If anyone is interested in joining me/us on a call later this week please reach out to me. 

 

 

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