I'm feeling isolated, too.  

yes I do not understand why they didn't get tested and kept in quarantine til the results were in.  Put a whole country at risk so they can attend a funeral?  doesn't make sense.  

I have broken sleep patterns too.  Horrible.  Hope it gets better soon.

Thanks for the reply Elle.

It’s hard to explain where my hang ups are. I’m no longer sad about the slow death of my marriage, I feel quite separated from him emotionally. I sleep in my own room, try to avoid him, hate that we’re still forced into co-parenting on the three evenings he doesn’t work. I hate that he pretends to be happily married in front of the kids. If it weren’t for the kids I would have left. So many times.
I sometimes want to scream at him. Like when I have to deal with ongoing health scares each year because of the HPV I have because of him... so far I don’t have cervical cancer from it, but I’m almost 39 which is the age my mom was when she died of cancer, so it’s messed up that I have that in the back of my mind.
I also want to ask him if he’s happy that I made our fifth and youngest child. He loves her so much. But I remember the night I conceived her 7 years ago. He once again had been lying there with his eyes closed. I had said I really wanted sex. I was so lonely from being incredibly isolated while he was gone four days/nights a week and home “with a headache” the other three days. I would be at home, homeschooling and raising five kids and taking care of the farm, and so lonely for any affection from him. Anyways, he had said I could “jump on him if I wanted”. So he laid there with his eyes closed as I got on top and tried to just focus on how much I loved him in spite of him destroying my heart half a year earlier. I tried not to think about how excited he had been when I had told him about a horrible gross nightmare I’d had of giving a blow job to him and another man. I tried to focus on the fact that he must love me because he was always going to work to support me and our kids. Poor, naive, stupid me. But I get furious at how much he loves and enjoys that little girl, and how much she loves him, because he had NOTHING to do with conceiving her or raising her until the last year. But I won’t do anything to ruin that relationship for her. She deserves to feel loved by both parents.

I have no relatives who can help me get free. We were always the ones to help the relatives, but we don’t even own a house. I have just now received some money from unemployment which is pretty awesome. I’m going to save the money in a business account. It may be tough going once I open my business again, but if I manage to hold on to some savings I won’t be afraid of being so financially vulnerable during actual divorce proceedings at least.

My 18 yr old does not know her dad is gay/trans. I have talked with her about some stories here, and how heartbreaking it is when a spouse finds out their spouses is gay, and she sympathized with that. I feel like my daughter is so unstable with all of her anxiety/ extreme social isolation/ debilitating OCD, that she can’t handle knowing our marriage won’t last and I can’t tell her until I know for sure when it’s happening. Also I feel like he needs to not know yet but she would tell.  I HATE living in deception, but I need him to cooperate with moving closer to my work and getting the kids plugged into school and therapy and hobbies in town instead of being so isolated in this rural community. Right now we’re an hour from everything.


I’m sorry, whenever I get on here I seem to go on and on...  thanks for letting me talk.

OneDayAtATime wrote:

I’m sorry, whenever I get on here I seem to go on and on... thanks for letting me talk.

 

Hah......no worries, that's what the Forum's for! 

Do you not think your 18 yo daughter has sensed your turmoil, and that even if you let her know a little more of the situation she would keep your confidence? You say he's pretending to be happily married in front of the kids but so are you, and things probably wont change/move on til you have a few more of your ducks lined up. 
You say you have HPV because of him so doesn't that put a red flag beside your name at your doctor's surgery? Your doctor sounds to me the best person to talk to...they will have you and your childrens best interests at heart surely!
 

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

walkbymyself wrote:

I'm feeling isolated, too.  

 

What's up Walk? Talk to us....please One solitary 4 word sentence from you is worrying


 

Hi Elle, I think I have my good days and my bad days.  Today is somewhere in the middle.  I haven't been on this forum as much as I used to, but in part it's because sometimes I'm reading and I just find myself triggered and enraged at what's being done to us.  I'd gotten a support order back in August and moved from our house in Los Angeles to an apartment in New York City that my husband had owned before we were married (this will ultimately be transferred to me as part of my buyout of our marital home).  I'd lived in NYC before we were married, and on balance when I looked over the range of options, it seemed best for me to come here and start over.

So I would have hoped to have had some opportunity to make new friends here, but of course we all got hit with the pandemic and we've been in lockdown.  I say I feel isolated ... but the funny thing is, everybody's in isolation right now.  So if it weren't for this pandemic, I would have been alone any way, the only difference now is that everyone is in it together.  

I've had some really bad days, but I finally got it together and started seeing a psychiatrist, who diagnosed me as suffering from extreme depression and PTSD.  This was actually the same diagnosis I'd gotten from a doctor in Los Angeles before I moved here.  So it's actually better because I'm taking antidepressants, and also something to help me sleep at night.  

But I think I should check in with everybody here more often!