OurPath Open Forum
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1 of 1- Wassmiley
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New here and nauseated
I’ve been in a 20 year relationship with a man I now believe is gay. He said himself a long time ago he didn’t believe there were bisexuals you are just gay and don’t want to admit it. There are absolutely NO outward signs he is gay. He is in construction has deep voice very masculine doesn’t have ANY feminine qualities or any of the beneficial gay stereotypes doesn’t like shopping decorating isn’t clean or neat isn’t talkative or sensitive. We had a regular sex life. At times he was distant or rejecting but he knows what to do. I also suspected he cheated with women also. He never watched gay porn only straight. Anyway it’s because of that that I doubted myself along with typical extreme gaslighting and manipulative BS.
I feel like such a fool. Only that I truly loved him with all my heart and I still do. I feel lonely and unloved like I have absolutely nobody in my corner. I can’t talk to anyone about it. We have 3 kids together. They are all under 10. He is in complete denial and acting like I’m crazy. I basically finally just put the pieces together and had a revelation. I have never caught him with a man. I haven’t found any text or email. But there seems to be a lot of MEN who are around him that are probably sexual partners other masculine men in construction on the down low. Some have said to me OH SO THATs what he has YOU for like for a home cooking caring. I never totally got it. He’s very successful and a lot of people envy him. We have all the money we could want. Have great children. I feel myself also acting like nothing is wrong for my own sanity at times. I was confronting him and he said you are just shooting in the dark you don’t know what your talking about. I didn’t have anything specific but it pissed me off when he took my son to meet a dude who is also married has kids but i strongly suspect is a partner. He doesn’t just have one night stands. He has many dudes who I think were can be partners it’s like they are all friends.
He failed to tell me he was taking my son to meet up with this guy who was vacationing in Florida and they had gone there and drive hours to meet him. I flipped out on him and then I just realized and finally came to grips with it. I cried and cried and he actually comforted me and asked what was wrong and I said I don’t want to lose our family I really do love you and realize you don’t love me and never have. He will say he does. But I never have totally felt like he did.
We are also not married. So we do t have to get a divorce but have businesses and my livelihood is thru that so I will have to continue working with him.
I feel afraid to be alone at 50! All my good looking years are gone and wasted on an asshole. I said to him do you know how many opportunities I passed up because I loved you and I was faithful to you. I mean I feel like going out and banging a bunch of dudes. But that won’t mend my broken crushed heart. Heartache i can actually feel. And I can’t talk about it to anyone.
I’m glad I found this forum. I’m actually on anti anxiety and depressants from a devastating murder of my father. It was also then when he wasn’t by my side that I lost some of my love for him. I had to be strong alone and while taking care of babies. I felt like I wasn’t totally available to them because I was so devastated broken.
I’m strong. But I don’t want to be…Thank u for reading..... WASsmiley bc I was always known for my smile
- Rob
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Re: New here and nauseated
Smiley,
So,sorry. It's a horrible feeling when we lose trust.
I would physically shake when she went out with her girlfriend and her friends. I truely believe we can physically feel their lies.
Start building your support system...dont go it alone. Read the first aid thread.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- BirdSolveig
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Re: New here and nauseated
Dear WasSmiley,
I'm so sorry you are distraught about your marriage. If you aren't already in therapy I would certainly recommend it to you. You sound like you really need to talk to someone in person.
Take care. Birdsolveig
- MJM017
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Re: New here and nauseated
Hi WASSmiley,
My ex husband was not stereotypically gay either, but he was gay. I left & divorced him when I was around your age.
Getting support really helps.
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- gonzo2000
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Re: New here and nauseated
Hi Wassmiley, I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. You are not alone.
However, you do need to build a support network. The year my GID had his 40th birthday, I noticed he began to be very evasive, irrational, making promises to our children and not keeping them. Within a year, I was convinced I was crazy and my children would be better off without me....
During the yearly checkup, my doctor said something, and before I knew it, I was sobbing uncontrollably. She recommended psychotherapy; I tried 2 therapists before I found 1 with whom I connected. I am so glad I had her to help me get through his eventual disclosure, 5 years later.
It has been almost 20 years since his disclosure and I still sometimes wonder, "What if...?" But I know that had I not sought help, I would not be writing to you, or anybody. That is what "gaslighting" does, it makes one doubt one's sanity and value.
My GID was not obviously gay, because, I think he tried really hard to hide. It is called a "closet" for a reason. He was an amazing actor, could have won an award, if there was one for that kind of acting....
And I know how difficult it is starting over when one is in her 50s. Having to return to college in order to get a decent job to support my children was not easy. Neither was it easy to "compete" with 20-year-old graduates for the jobs.
As Rob said, "Start building your support system. Read the first aid thread ..." and remember, you are not alone.
Debbie
- lily
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Re: New here and nauseated
Hi Smiley,
Sorry to hear that you are in such a hard situation - he sounds well entrenched in the closet and you are so vulnerable with young children and finances. Finding someone you can confide in even if it is just your doctor will help you rather than talking about it with your partner. Look after yourself.
wishing you all the best, Lily
- HappyNow
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Re: New here and nauseated
Wassmiley,
I went through this EXACT same scenario six and a half years ago, so when I say I completely understand, I really do. So first of all let me start by saying I am SO VERY SORRY to hear that you are going through this. Nobody, I repeat NOBODY should ever have to go through this, the pain caused at the hands of the person who was suppose to be their very own partner. The damage is deep and extreme. The reason you feel like you are going through a death right now is because you will learn over time that you ARE! The man you married has died, one day you will realize he never actually existed but for now its best to think of it as he passed away, because the man you knew is gone. He is not coming back. More importantly sweetie, Is that the woman who was married to him, well she has died too. She's not coming back either. What you don't know right now is THIS IS A GOOD THING! It won't feel like that today, It will feel like you died and all your dreams have died, and they have yes AND while that relationship and everything you thought you knew is gone... You will grown in time to realize that when your life fell apart, a BRAND NEW LIFE was born.
A new side of you is being born. BIRTH is painful remember? You will have BIGGER dreams and you will learn how to follow them and listen to yourself more, you will learn to TRUST yourself more, and you will be WAY bigger of a person because you went through this. I didn't have anyone to tell me this, but GIRL, I PROMISE you, that you and your children will not only be ok after this, but this will be the reason you turn into who you are becoming. You will be feeling like a fraction of a person right now. Your self esteem at its' lowest, you will be confused about him, yourself, your kids, your friends, your work, your entire world. It literally feels now like life itself is OVER and not even worth living anymore. Believe me, he did not strip that all away. Who you really are is a powerful, strong, happy, beautiful woman. She is in there and I am speaking to her when I write. YOU are coming back. You will thrive again. You will laugh. You will find your joy. And your life will begin to be beautiful. You will get past this. And one day you will be the woman who did all that, and you will be PROUD of yourself again. If you would like to speak privately, I am happy to help. As I said at the beginning my now ex husband was found out by me in just a small tiny moment of curiosity. He had been living a double life sleeping with men and hookers for FIFTEEN YEARS without me knowing. And, I am not a stupid woman, but he was meticulous in hiding it from me. My entire life fell apart after that and I literally wanted to die everyday, as I woke up in a full blown nightmare. BUT.. I had two children, and I believe if you have kids that you don't have the right to kill yourself, I was SO MAD that I couldn't even die... When I look back now, I am so THANKFUL that I didn't die... WOW... Over him, I actually would have done that? SO I get how dark and scary and ALONE we feel in the beginning. It is very very scary. But you are NOT alone, and I am here.