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February 26, 2020 4:51 pm  #1

When he denies but here are the facts

First, let me say- thanks that this forum exists. I fell on it after browsing internet. And here is another story that you'll read- me- almost sure my husband is gay, but he denying.
Your comments and thoughts will be highly appreciated. Where from to start...
Married for 13 years, with a little kid.
When our relationship started, my ex- boyfriend seeing a picture of my husband said " you chose this gay?", because his picture was weird- very thin, very tall, with limp hands holding my bag and doing really something that was not very manly with his face. My husband was ever this kind of men- not manly with muscles, not into sports. He has these limp wrists that after we got married i really started focusing on permanently, his walking style is also like he will fall apart.
In the beginning of the relationship he has told me that he had 3-4 gfr before me. That his dream is having threesome with another girl ( something that never happened) and that he likes some kinky things. In few months he told me what is this kinky thing- it was that he likes anal sex performed on him. I wasn't really excited, this didn't fit my personality, neither i thought a real man can ask such a thing.
Fast forward-  few years later, sex between us started to be less and less, sexless intervals bigger- a month. Then the kid came when i told him that we either have kid or it is better to divorce and everyone continues his life.
Another few years fast forward- we sleep separated. In his room i found few giant dildos. He said he is using them very rarely. Then i told him he is really gay. All this time from the day my ex told me i have chosen a gay, i was suspecting him. He denied. Said that it is complicated, i won't understand. That he is not gay, because he doesn't like men, neither bi, but that maybe he is bi curious, because if he had chance to have an orgy, he wouldnt mind so much being penetrated by man. Here i have to say that it was the cherry of the cake. I got disgusted.
Sex stopped. He says that because i don't make any effort to seduce him. But how to seduce a man who doesn't show any interest in me- we already barely talk, or to wish to have sex with someone who has bought these giant dildos and told you he might be bi-curious.
He has always been porn addicted from his teen years- collecting erotic photos of women- single, lesbian high quality images, porn where the man is being f@cked by woman and where the man is submissive. These are the kind of porns i know about. But i always think " what if he has hidden folder with gay porn", my intuition insists there should be such. 
He doesn't go out with buddies in the night. He comes immediately after work home. He doesn't check or gazing at men on the street but what scared me once was that in the changing room of a department store the guy who was bringing the clothes and was openly gay said to my husband " This tie is perfect for you. How big you are, i just can  imagine what other big things you have". My husband seemed flattered and vainly continued to try other ties.
He always comments slutty women or women with big boobs how sexy they are, but this looks to me a bit artificial- just to annoy me, he had flirted with few of his women colleagues who are also sexy, but no sex with them too, because he didn't want.
So, i am really in a denial- is he gay who stays in the closet, who was telling me lies for many years that he is not attracted by men and just waits his parents to die and come out. Or he is just a jellyfish whos wrists are limp and he lives in some not normal fantasy.
I can't get him to talk. We always start either he getting angry or me saying to him "gay". But this can't get any further.
How i know the truth?
All this- limp wrists, anal to him, dildos, some very gay faces sometimes he makes like opening his mouth when he scratches his eyes, all this is soooo not masculine. He also avoids making clearly man things- fixing the house etc. He says " How to break these hands of a pianist (he is not a musician).


February 26, 2020 6:26 pm  #2

Re: When he denies but here are the facts

From what you say he does sound like he is Gay In Denial.  Denial doesn't mean doesn't know it means not telling.

If he is anything like my ex GIDH then he will string you along without admitting to being gay for as long as you are asking him.

What I did was give myself the benefit of the doubt instead of him.

When he couldn't string me along any more then he missed the enjoyment it gave him and he started stringing along the telephone marketers - he boasted to me that he kept one on the line for 45 minutes thinking he might buy the product - yes there is a certain humour in it but for me it was just corroboration of who he was.


February 26, 2020 7:06 pm  #3

Re: When he denies but here are the facts

Hi tiresome,
He sounds like my GID husband. Would also claim that he wasn't gay in the beginning, then it was he was confused, then it was he was bi, now boom, I'm gay! He is also into trans women (pre-op) and if I was a betting woman, sounds like that would be who your husband would fancy as well. To me, its like the 'gateway' to him accepting that he was gay because he got penetrated by someone that "looked" like a woman while enjoy male parts. Either way, you know its not what you want so get out early if you can. I wish I got out earlier! Best wishes


February 27, 2020 2:19 am  #4

Re: When he denies but here are the facts

Thank you lily and confused.
Probably you are right- no straight man would have this behavior and so much dildos. I suppose every straight man would rather chose a divorce instead of not having sex for years with either his wife or any other woman. I am sick of his non stop blaming it on me but still sane enough to know it is a way that narcissist is trying to make his wife to the ground zero and turn it into a walking crap. He's getting aggressive when each of his gay looking actions are mentioned and can't bear any criticism, but tries to make everyone, including me believing i am crazy and exaggerating.
He pretends to be very open minded and that i am an old fashioned. What's more nice than having an old fashioned relationship based on love and respect?! So, he can't manipulate me with his blah- blah. I know- if it looks like a duck, if it sound as a duck, probably it's a duck.
The only thing that confuses me is that all these are in his fantasies. He isn't trying to "catch a buddy". He puts a lot of effort to look interesting to his women colleagues and they to say what a nice and cool guy he is, not knowing what actually he is home.
I am really very tired living a life i didn't imagine, without love, intimacy, without any thrilling everyday activities. He says he doesnt know why he lives and that is bored from life, doesn't have purpose, cannot be a real father like those who run with their kids or enjoy their kids. He is non stop either on his computer, either sleeps. Always looks depressed, grumpy. bored, unsatisfied.
Because i am not employed and not living in my country of origin, this is hard to figure out how to go out of this situation. My kid-7 years old is born here and likes the life in his fatherland, here are his friends, he loves his father very much, but this father every single day disappoints him by ignoring him and staying closed in his room. How do i take my kid and how one day i explain him? On the other hand i don't want my kid to find one day all these ugly monsters his father is using to satisfy his anal needs. This will be crushing.
I was wondering for years- how it is possible, how someone can be such a moral junk that tries to convince you it's ok, everyone does it now a days, that men like anal. But watching him in the very few situations licking the strap on, really disgusted me. His words " I don't like real cocks, i like the idea of submission, because the cock is a symbol of power". 
So, my dear brothers/ sisters in luck, what do i do? I know what i should do, but as said- it's very complicated, so something has to happen step by step. My parents deny to believe that i am in a very toxic marriage and deny to believe who my husband is. For them it is the nice guy they meet once per year, who plays so loving.They explain his limp wrists with this that he is a very city guy who never had worked any hard work but office jobs. They are really old fashioned and with many health issues, so i am afraid to tell them about the sexual toys my husband has and what he actually tells me, because it will kill them. 
So- no support. To everyone outside, he is the nice a bit feminine but still strait guy and only very few has questioned his sexuality because of the way he walks and he the limp wrists.
Such people are moral monsters and crap. I respect every open gay, lesbian etc, but when it is about sacrificing everyone else's life i can't feel anything else than disgust. This thing made from very attractive woman that was not missing mans attention, to a tired, exhausted, not feminine copy of me.

     Thread Starter

February 27, 2020 5:12 am  #5

Re: When he denies but here are the facts

you need support, this is too overwhelming by yourself.  um.  look really, your parents might be frail but probably telling them about the sex toys isn't going to kill them.  Hope you find your way through to tell them and a friend maybe, or another family member?  

talking about this to someone on the ground in your life, even if it is the doctor - it really helps.


February 27, 2020 7:48 am  #6

Re: When he denies but here are the facts

Your description of your husband's physical appearance, disinterest in sex with you and aversion to chores other men do triggered me to recall things last night that I seldom think about anymore. Having been married to him for 30+ years before his parents died and he came of the closet I can tell you that based on my experience that he will deny being gay for as long as you ask. I just finally stopped asking.
He also was friendly with women but it was all talk and no action. Women liked him because he would listen to them and wouldn't hit on them. If you have a son prepare to get him into sports and activities with other boys. He had no interest in these in his childhood and the other fathers might spot him as "gay". No couples friends either for the same reason.

If you are concerned about your immigration status if you were to divorce him talk to an immigration attorney. Here is a site that you can use to find one in the U.S.: https://www.ailalawyer.com/

My parents would have been no support to me so I know where you are coming from. By the time he left one had died and the other was senile so I never told her. Find someone else so to confide in because you don't need more troubles.

I'll pass along a mantra that someone shared with me when my husband, who finally had told me he was gay and wanted a divorce, began dating a woman when he and the man he was in love with broke up:

"Whatever he is he isn't for me." 

Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.

February 27, 2020 4:28 pm  #7

Re: When he denies but here are the facts

Hi, My late gay in denial ex husband was similar down to the gaslighting. I was able to push him out of our home & divorce him.

My parents are from a foreign country & conservative.  I told my father & he was very supportive. 

Conservative men never condone household laziness or gay tendencies.  The first thing my “I don’t believe in divorce” father said to me was divorce the bum.

I wish the best for you & your son.

No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

February 28, 2020 3:12 pm  #8

Re: When he denies but here are the facts

Tiredone says: "tries to convince you it's ok, everyone does it now a days, that men like anal. But watching him in the very few situations licking the strap on, really disgusted me. His words " I don't like real cocks, i like the idea of submission, because the cock is a symbol of power"

The above jumped out at me hard.

No, it's not normal. No, straight men do not typically want anal or lick dildos. No, straight men do not typically view submission to any kind of cock as sexy or a turn on.

As far as your parents not believing you and not supporting you, Tiredone, I'd put all his sex toys in a bag, take them to the parents house, dump them on a table and ask "do you believe me now?" and then walk out. They are calling you a drama creating liar by not listening to you. I would not tolerate the slander of my character in this way.


April 4, 2020 4:36 pm  #9

Re: When he denies but here are the facts

Just reinforcing prior comments. Straight guy here. NOPE to those ideas. Just NOOOOOPE!


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