UserNada there is an old saying - sexual magnetism.  the opposite to attraction is repulsion.  This is very basic.

How many straight spouses talk about feeling sick?  it is normal.  There is no way to get over it.  It is the same for your gay spouse.  It means you are in an incompatible sexual relationship.  How do you handle it?  

Well if you ask me, I say don't try and handle it but I did a longterm MOM, I didn't know that's what I was doing but looking back I can see that like the Dutchman it was my religious beliefs that made it swing as well as it did.  I looked to God to make me happy instead of my spouse.

By the time my 40's rolled around I didn't want to have sex with him any more than he wanted to have sex with me.  I still didn't know he was gay.  It was visceral.  That slightly sick empty feel in the pit of my stomach - like having the rug pulled out from under your feet feeling - had got worse.  When I knew he was gay it just imploded and I spent 3 weeks having hour long showers before I could start to cry it out.

Knowing what I know now, if I were in a situation where I needed to stay in a MOM, I would take the sick feeling seriously and defend myself better.  The best thing I did for myself was pick up my artwork.  Do you do the cooking?   better to eat your own food.  Better to try and cope than try and adjust - embrace your straight self, you need yourself!

Most importantly, take a good long carefully considered look at your spouse.  Step back for a moment, don't ask questions, don't engage in talk, just listen and observe.  Get to understand her.

The stronger you are the better she will treat you.

okay that's good - I don't have religious beliefs either any more.  I don't think they helped at all in the long run, just enabled me to stay longer.

So the symptoms of deep shock you describe are a very normal response.  We can all empathise here.  I believe you when you say you are naturally industrious, independent and pretty happy.  

It was a bit different to me because I already went to hell and back before I knew he was gay, finding out sent me into shock and all the physical and emotional symptoms came pouring out but it also, there was this point where I just thought that's it he's used it all up, I don't love him any more.  My heart was my own.  So my path was more simply laid out.

While I didn't know he was gay I put up with all sorts of stuff and never questioned but that I would always stay with him.  

um, just got an unexpected call and need to go out shortly so back later but just want to say I know you're in hell but you are making progress and you will feel better again, promise.

 

okay so, I know it's not something you want to feel but my sense of things is that the disgust is both cleansing and self-protective - it is your homeostatic answer to the burn.  Shaking and crying and feeling like killing yourself is intense serious response to the circumstance you are in.  Trust yourself to handle this - you are on a voyage of discovery right now, when you are waiting for the other shoe to drop.

You take things on board in bits.  Don't censor yourself, however bad the feeling it will roll in, tell you what it has to say and keep rolling out it will not last.  You will be okay, better out than in.  

I literally fell to the floor when I realised he was gay.  Crying and shaking is good - your body is looking after itself.  It's like the bit where he is telling me his bisexuality is none of my business.  My jaw dropped, literally.  I am looking at him thinking I wish I could close my mouth but actually I think it keeps the oxygen coming in.

The thing about tgt is that it changes your past as well as your present.   I felt like it was a lightning strike that illuminated the darkened landscape in one bright flash and then it took time as I sifted through my memories seeing them in a different light,  

Take your time.  rest as much as you can.  And yes, go for walks, sometimes it is easier to think things though while you're walking.

Well I am the person who is saying the disgust is an automatic homeostatic wired in response, and trying to 'get over it' is akin to trying to get over flinching away from a thorn.  

Your body is telling you what you need to hear.

What you are telling us in all your story is that you are a heterosexual monogamous man who is capable of falling in love and maintaining a loving relationship.  Unfortunately you are now discovering that the woman you fell for hasn't been entirely honest with you - of course you are in an enormous amount of pain.  

Nothing you did wrong but here you are.

Please bear in mind the idea that this is not new information for your wife - it is not a new sexual orientation.

and look after yourself.  Your belief in your own perceptions has been undermined, you can make it easier on yourself with lots of trust instead of second guessing.

 

Nada, I am so sorry, I know how much it hurts and all the emotions.  It is a ride of intense emotions for a while.  It will ease with a bit of time.  Yeah, I trusted my ex too.  

So, from my vantage point of knowing nothing about you or your family other than what I read in your posts, I am of the opinion that the thing your two girls need is to have as much of you in their life as they can have.  And I mean that in a deep down feeling way more than just in hours.

ie.  and this is an important point - you can give your all to be there for them but not to sacrifice yourself in the process - that is never going to work, for them as much as for you.

Calm, composed disposition is what I am wishing for you.  Really let yourself observe your wife, and take the time for the shoe to drop all the way to the floor.

there is a lot of sympathy here on this board.  wishing you all the best, hugs Lily