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October 24, 2016 7:08 am  #11


Re: A FRIENDLY MESSAGE FROM A GAY EX-HUSBAND

Sean

Thank you for the reply.  I often think of how hard it must be for him struggling with the idea/thoughts/feelings that he might be gay.  He stands to loose so much if he decides to come out and we get divorced.  He will loose his position in the church (he needs to be married for this); not to mention facing our families.  I want to help him and support him, but I also realise that I might not be able to.  I have to think about and protect me and the children.  And though I started reading up on gay lifestyles and others coming out stories, I simply am not equip to deal with it.  He is such a nice guy and everybody loves him - they would be used to his sexuality by now and loved him anyway.  Now its gonna be a much bigger deal because of him being married.

I understand what you say about more friends than lovers, because we've been that way since the beginning of our relationship and marriage.  I was happy and could live with sex every now and then until dried up completely.  Only then I began to ask questions and took a serious look at our marriage and intimate life.

In the meantime I discovered gay friends on his facebook page whom he does not share posts or comments with, but all clustered in one city - the city that he visits every second month for business.  I also discovered him following gay/bi men all over the world and our home country.  To me that was proof that my gut feeling was spot on - he is living a double life and it is not with another woman.  I think that is why I never had the feeling that he was cheating on me, because of the little interest he showed in women. 

 

October 24, 2016 12:01 pm  #12


Re: A FRIENDLY MESSAGE FROM A GAY EX-HUSBAND

Thanks for sharing. I think you already have the answers you need. What you need going forward is the support of your friends, family, and perhaps a few contacts from this forum. There are three phases of coming out: first denial "I'm not gay!"; second splitting or living a double life; and third self acceptance by living completely out. Your husband may be in the second stage, living a double life in another city. Regardless, I wouldn't waste too much time trying to find honest answers from him. Write down what you want from your relationship, make a plan as to what to do next (such as find more proof, see a lawyer, start divorce proceedings etc.) and then execute your plan. Like many husbands described on this website, he's likely become quite comfortable living his double life. But this isn't likely to bring you any happiness so perhaps it's time to make a change. I hope that helps in some way. Good luck.  

     Thread Starter
 

October 24, 2016 12:51 pm  #13


Re: A FRIENDLY MESSAGE FROM A GAY EX-HUSBAND

Séan wrote:

Hello friends. I'm your worst nightmare. I am the gay, lying, cheating, narcissistic/sociopath of an ex-spouse. How's that for an introduction? 

I find it ironic that one of the most helpful and insightful people on this forum introduced himself in this way. 

I'm sure your ex-wife would agree with your intro, but the rest of us appreciate you sharing your experience and advice.   Thanks for sharing.  
 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

October 24, 2016 1:11 pm  #14


Re: A FRIENDLY MESSAGE FROM A GAY EX-HUSBAND

I completely agree Lostdad.

Sean thank you for sharing and being so patient and helpful. You are amazing.

 

October 25, 2016 10:53 am  #15


Re: A FRIENDLY MESSAGE FROM A GAY EX-HUSBAND

You're both too kind. I've recently accepted the mistakes I've made, apologized to my ex-wife, and moved on. My goal here is to help others by sharing a different perspective. What you've written is encouraging so thank you. 

     Thread Starter
 

October 26, 2016 7:23 am  #16


Re: A FRIENDLY MESSAGE FROM A GAY EX-HUSBAND

Ms. Lonely,
Please stop questioning yourself...you know what you know. Your husband is gay and yes, his friend is his longtime affair. Now, the decision is yours on what you need or want to do next. And sometimes what we Need to do is not what we Want to do.

I hope you can find peace soon.

 

October 26, 2016 6:04 pm  #17


Re: A FRIENDLY MESSAGE FROM A GAY EX-HUSBAND

Mrs.Lonely,
It's not proof but a few things you said echoed my experience, when I asked about his sexuality I got a very calm and controlled response which sent the alarm bells off for me, I would have expected a shocked even angry response if it wasn't true.  Mine used to travel too.  For long time we were friends, not lovers.  And to top it off I never ever suspected he was cheating despite his many female friends.  In hindsight I think women gravitate to him as they sense it's safe to hang out with him..No offense to straight men on here but every straight guy I thought I was friends with was trying to sleep with me. 
Vicky


 
 

October 27, 2016 1:07 am  #18


Re: A FRIENDLY MESSAGE FROM A GAY EX-HUSBAND

Sherry, I guess it just hard to accept.  I know what I know, but it is so easy to doubt yourself when they look you straight in the eye and deny it.  I have to literally remind myself that the Lord gave me a clear, sharp mind and that I am not crazy.  It a never ending nightmare at this point.  But thank you for putting it that way to me.  It gave me the courage to face him.

 

October 30, 2016 8:09 am  #19


Re: A FRIENDLY MESSAGE FROM A GAY EX-HUSBAND

Thank you everyone for sharing. I'm now ready to share something more profound with all of you. In late August 2014, my (then) wife and I agreed to divorce. I wanted the divorce because I was a gay man trapped in a straight marriage. I wanted a divorce because I knew the weight of my secret was killing me. Like many of you, my (then) wife was against the divorce. After so many years of self-sacrifice, she thought I'd be as strong as she was to keep our family intact. Unfortunately I wasn't and ever the coward, I thought of suicide as a final solution. Just before announcing the divorce, she rightfully said it was my responsibility to tell our three children. After all, it was my decision not hers. I told them on a sunny Saturday morning and forever shattered their lives. My youngest was just five years old at the time and I remember him screaming through tears, "Why don't you love mom? Why don't you love mom anymore?" Just sharing this memory here has reduced me to tears. But I can't let a memory haunt me for the rest of my life which is why I'm forcing myself to share it. Memories are just ghosts and I can't let them haunt the present. So getting back to what happened, after I said 'divorce' my eldest ran into his room, sat on his bed, and cried. He was twelve at the time. My daughter, the middle child age 8, simply sat there in disbelief. IT WAS THE WORST MOMENT OF MY LIFE and probably the worst moment of their lives as well. I hate to think that I caused them so much pain but I can't hold on to this pain forever. I often wonder if I made the right choice. I've made so many bad choices in my life that I'm a bit numb these days. Over the yeas, I choose so many faceless men and so many worthless hook ups over these beautiful children. And yet they still love me. My youngest still ran into my arms yesterday and gave me a big bear hug. Why am I sharing all of this? My selfish purpose in coming here was to feel better. I hope this isn't just the work of a black-belt narcissist. I needed to exorcise these toxic memories by sharing here. I need to move on. I need to start loving myself again. Thanks for reading my rambles friends.  

     Thread Starter
 

October 30, 2016 10:01 am  #20


Re: A FRIENDLY MESSAGE FROM A GAY EX-HUSBAND

Hi Sean,

I have been in that situation, but on the 'other side '  - its wretched for everyone.
I hope you find peace

 

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