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September 27, 2016 12:59 pm  #1


A FRIENDLY MESSAGE FROM A GAY EX-HUSBAND

Hello friends. I'm your worst nightmare. I am the gay, lying, cheating, narcissistic/sociopath of an ex-spouse. How's that for an introduction? It's now been four years since disclosure, two years since my ex-wife and I separated, and a year since our divorce. We have three children together. So why am I writing? 
 ​First, I wanted to write a big 'thank you' to the many brave survivors here. Your honesty, your courage, and your compassion in dealing with *sshole husbands (like me) is admirable. Second, I wanted to confirm that if you're here posting, and he's on Craigslist, he's not 'curious' my friends, he's as gay as a rainbow-colored unicorn. Third, I want to share that there is no going back. Once the doubts come, you start searching through emails or browser histories, and you start posting here, the marriage you had is now dead. Where you go after that is completely up to you but I'm happy to share my own experience from a gay man's perspective. I loved my wife. I loved her deeply. I still love her and I think she still loves me. But I was living two lives and this always ends disastrously. One life (or perhaps mask) was the perfect husband and father. The second was a scared little boy hiding his sexuality. The second me was stronger for a time which meant I did some terrible things. You see the wounds of a closeted homosexual like me go back to before I met my (now ex) wife. It was my first relationship and it was a toxic relationship of pure self-hatred. I married a woman to exorcise a demon called homosexuality. "Look I'm straight because I'm with a woman!" I thought...rather relieved. Then came the kids, a house, and finally the affairs. I juggled both worlds until it all came crashing down and my spouse asked me the question. I thought most spouses came clean by saying, "I'm gay." But apparently not. This is why I'm posting. Take it from me, gay men are seriously f*cked up. And gay men like me who marry women to continue hiding their homosexuality, well, we're a whole over level of f*ckedupedness (is that a word?). No amount of love and nurturing from the straight spouse can fix us. The gay spouse in denial is a wounded, and oftentimes dangerous, creature. This is where you have a choice. There are two kinds of ex-hetero spouses. Type #1: a spouse who owns it, apologizes, gets therapy (alone not useless couple's therapy), agrees to an amicable separation/divorce, and gives you back your freedom/dignity. Type #2 is unfortunately more common according to your posts. This is a spouse who continues to deny his/her sexuality, lies, blames, manipulates, and hooks up on the down low my only advice is to 'RUN'! You can have a (platonic) relationship with the former. The latter is simply too toxic and you should do everything to protect yourself and your children. I was both types if that makes any sense. My ex-wife and I made the mistake of trying to remain together for about 18 months after I came out. This was a huge mistake and I was the type #2 toxic gay husband. After disclosure, I was in what's called 'gay adolescence' which meant pursuing pleasure, sex, and validation by any means to make up for 20+ years of sexual starvation. During this time I really hurt her and our children because I was such an *sshole. Every gay man goes through this stage whether as a teenager or an adult. My wife wanted us to remain married 'for the kids' but I finally asked for a divorce. We separated and divorced soon after.  So what's my point in posting here? My point is once you're gay, there is no going back. Nothing can halt the process. The gay man in denial is dangerous because has just one priority: to hide his sexuality, whatever it takes. This is what mental health professionals refer to as the original wound. You, your kids, your life together are all secondary to your gay husband clinging to his closet. If he has to make you look crazy to hide his sexuality, he'll do it. If he has to lie or manipulate to maintain the illusion that he's straight, he'll do that too. The spouse who refuses to come out is as dangerous as a cobra. So my advice is to get the f*ck away. You can't love and nuture someone back to being something they never were: in my case a straight man. To stay is very dangerous indeed, for all of you. Just remember that if you are checking emails, texts, browser histories, and have found proof he's having gay sex,  you've already reached the point of no return. You're past the point of asking whether he's gay because to ask is to give a lifelong liar and manipulator the power to do what they do best. Only you can change you my friends. So my advice, take care of you, your kids, and start planning your post-divorce life. Accept reality, make a plan, set a timeline, and get ready for 'the talk.' Your life begins when you say to your spouse, "I know you're gay. This isn't up for debate. And this is what I'm going to do." Good luck everyone! Much love.             While I remained in my broken marriage.  

 

September 27, 2016 2:17 pm  #2


Re: A FRIENDLY MESSAGE FROM A GAY EX-HUSBAND

Thank you so much Sean, this all so what I needed to read. My GID husband married his first wife knowing he was gay,I met him and he was so much fun, charming, great career( a sales person for a very large corporation)  as I look back, I should have realized his outgoing sales persona was just that,a persona. I never once thought he was gay,he was very masculine. I married him and her I am 33 years later at 70 years of age,alone.
I figured it out on my own after doing an "autopsy" on my whole time with him. It took me months after we separated to put my life's puzzle together.  When I found the last puzzle piece it became ever so clear,he was gay all along.
He has never confirmed this as he is too much of a coward.
I have since found out he is now dating a WOMAN, what a f****d up piece of trash.
I am rambling,sorry. You message brought up a lot of thoughts and you gave me some insight into him.
Thanks,Sunflower

Last edited by Sunflower (September 27, 2016 7:00 pm)

 

September 27, 2016 2:28 pm  #3


Re: A FRIENDLY MESSAGE FROM A GAY EX-HUSBAND

Sean, 

Thanks for posting.  Even though the internet is "anonymous", it still takes courage to put yourself out there and share things.. especially on a site that can come across as being anti-lgbt. 

The truth is, we are not anti-gay.  We are just against lying, deceiving, adultery, and in general, ruining another person's life.  

Please know that you are welcome here and your insight is helpful to the group.  We don't hate gay people.  Please stick around and share more with us.  There is another gay man who posts here by the name of Cameron.  He has shared the same insight. 

I know that what you posted is not only true for gay men, but also for lesbian women.  My wife tried to hide and fight against being homosexual for the 16 years of our marriage.  She fought hard, but in the end, it's a battle that no-one can win.  You can't force yourself to be heterosexual when you are not.  I think you can chose to abstain, but you can't chose to be hetero.  

What you said will be comforting to many of us who spent years of our lives trying to prevent our spouses from "turning gay" or stop cheating on us.   It's a fight we could never win. 

We need people who "might be gay" to learn not to get into hetero relationships.  We need people who are in hetero relationship to get out of them sooner when they find out.  

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

September 27, 2016 3:05 pm  #4


Re: A FRIENDLY MESSAGE FROM A GAY EX-HUSBAND

Thank you, Sean! Your advice and insight is so helpful and encouraging because in times of stress and pain I start to wonder if I'm crazy and maybe my ex is not gay. He denies being gay and says he looks at gay underwear websites ( pump, Andrew Christian, jockoholic, soft core gay photos of groups of naked male models holding each other's penis) because he's jealous of their perfect bodies. Right. And him only wanting sex with me twice a month is because he has low sex drive. Right.
It's been so painful to realize he lied to me our whole relationship. He also lied to me about graduating high school ( he didn't)  and about financial stuff.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Whatever is going on in my ex husband's brain is a mystery. He never brings any of it up and he made sure to pretend not to be sad at all that our relationship is over. He is most definitely a very messed up person who tries his best to appear normal.
One thing I notice now is that he and his parents have almost no friends and have no deep friendships that they have maintained for a long period of time. I also notice they minimize and gloss over situations, because they don't have the emotional strength to deal with reality.
I wish you the best, Sean.

 

September 27, 2016 3:09 pm  #5


Re: A FRIENDLY MESSAGE FROM A GAY EX-HUSBAND

Also, sometimes I fantasize about my ex just honoring and respecting me with the truth and an apology. How healing that would be. But he's a selfish coward so I'm not holding my breath.

 

September 27, 2016 3:46 pm  #6


Re: A FRIENDLY MESSAGE FROM A GAY EX-HUSBAND

Hi Sean,

Thanks for this.  We welcome your viewpoint here.

Finding out that our spouse is potentially gay seems to focus a lot of us in the wrong direction.  If a spouse cheated on us with the opposite sex and did these things, we would almost certainly decid to end the relationship due to the lies, deception, gaslighting, unfaithfulness and disrespect.  But when the question of sexuality comes into play, we somehow get tunnel vision and only pay attention to that issue.  And we also get hung up on what our spouse defines themselves as; if they say they aren't gay, then we don't know what they are.  And then we feel some obligation (often fostered by them) to help them find their sexual fulfillment by exploring.  We become so desperate to hold onto what we have loved that we begin to cling with a grip that rips our fingers off, and still does nothing to keep them.  I think if many of us knew that certain behaviors mean that someone is gay (despite the fact that they're denying that), it would help us to decide what to do at that point.  It's the question that gets us all hung up in a cycle of perpetual insanity.

Thanks for being here.  Please stick around.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

September 27, 2016 3:48 pm  #7


Re: A FRIENDLY MESSAGE FROM A GAY EX-HUSBAND

Hey Sean. I read that whole post thinking it was gonna be a 'piss take'  I was waiting for the twist... the punch line... but ok.

If the post is genuine... thanks. Having said that I hope that YOU also eventually find a way to forgive yourself. You are clearly NOT a bad person.

I'm not one to always 'blame society', because people often do simply make shitty, selfish choices, but I'm looking forward to the day when gays don't feel they have to hide or lie or feel ashamed of being who they are. I'm looking forward to the day when they can love who they love without stigma, shame or discrimination. Because THAT is when we will have less straight spouses and less people broken by this whole awful scenario.

I hope you find peace, forgiveness and happiness Sean.


You have a future. A good one. It begins as a flicker of hope. Nurture it until it becomes a dream and when you are strong enough you will make it a reality. NEVER give up. 
 

September 28, 2016 3:29 am  #8


Re: A FRIENDLY MESSAGE FROM A GAY EX-HUSBAND

Thank you everyone for your kind replies. I've never thought of this forum as homophobic although I was taken aback at how welcoming you all were. In response to jkpeace's question about the last line of my post, ""While I remained in my broken marriage," it was simply a typo. I wrote the line in the body of my text and it somehow got shunted to the bottom. I wish you all good luck with your journeys.

     Thread Starter
 

October 12, 2016 10:01 am  #9


Re: A FRIENDLY MESSAGE FROM A GAY EX-HUSBAND

Shaun, thank you so much for the insight.

I posted a while ago on this site to share my confused story with the group.  Since then I drove myself to madness trying to find solid proof and ended up loosing a lot of money on fake PI's.  I gave up and asked the Lord if this is Him testing our marriage or satan trying to destroy it.  I also prayed to the Lord to reveal the truth to me before I go mad.  So I confronted my husband and he looked me right in the eye and said no, he is not gay.  I suspect he was lying to me because of his tense attitude, touching his face and his willingness to take all the blame instead of getting mad at me.  He was just so CALM about my question if he is gay.

You say in your post that the one in denial is most dangerous and that scares me.  I was away from home last week and in three days my husband ate family sized pies, pizzas, steaks and sandwiches (he normally eats next to nothing when we are away).  He says no friends visited him.  I found semen marks on all his undies that he wore for that three days.  His got this guy friend at work that he use to hang out with at lunch and after work. After I confronted him, he broke the friendship off just like that.  He now bad mouths the guy.  In the past he let this friend sleep over when I am away from home.  He clears his chat and browsing histories.  The only history I found was his call log and he and his friend phone each other on a daily basis.I recently found out that the two of them introduced a lady falsely to me as this guy's girlfriend.

Can you share your thoughts on this one, please?  Am I paranoid or is he having an affair with a guy (or even a woman)?

 

October 23, 2016 9:40 am  #10


Re: A FRIENDLY MESSAGE FROM A GAY EX-HUSBAND

Please excuse this late reply. Given what you've shared, there is certainly evidence that he might be gay, or perhaps living a double life. I'd suggest two things: first, trust your gut on this one; and second, accept that you can't be part of his journey while focusing on yourself. Looking at my own former relationship, it seems to have followed a very similar path to what others have shared here. We were more friends than lovers. The relationship was largely platonic. As a gay man, I simply wasn't interested in women so I just wasn't interested in having sex with my (then) wife. And our relationship went from friends, to co-parents, to frenemies. In my 30s, I started watching gay porn, which then led to male escorts while on business trips, then hook ups with other men in my area. It's common for gay people to deny their sexuality at first while splitting their lives (or leading double lives). Once I came out, separated, and divorced, only then could I lead an authentic life as a gay man. Had I involved my ex-wife in this process, it would have simply slowed everything down while inflicting more damage on her. So what's my point? My point is you already know something is wrong in your relationship. That's why you're posting on a website about straight spouses. This is the start of your journey but it's a journey you'll have to undertake apart from your gay husband. I hope that helps in some small way. 

     Thread Starter
 

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