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August 25, 2021 6:16 pm  #61


Re: How to detect guys if they're gay or straight...?!

MJM017 wrote:

rekamc,

Am so sorry that happened. I feel the same about missing red flags from my con artist GIDXH. The small silver lining among all the pain is being aware of scammers tactics.

Your ex would not last for long in SF with #5. That's the majority of our LGBTQ+ population.

Take care,
Maria

you live in SF yourself? neither my ex or I live in the US -- she did make a quick secret trip to SF a long time ago (with a "friend"). They were supposed to visit/tour Oregon but they just had to take a small 3 day detour in The Golden City heh 

Ordinary guy: what sort of obvious red flags and weird behavior did you encounter? 

Last edited by rekamc (August 25, 2021 6:17 pm)

 

August 25, 2021 9:41 pm  #62


Re: How to detect guys if they're gay or straight...?!

Yes, all my childhood and most of my adult life.  My late GIDXH moved here with his family in 2nd grade and lived here most of his life. His family left for their home state while he attended college here.  He wasn't forthcoming about friends or romantic relationships from then.  There was no reason for him to be in the closet in San Francisco. He did what he wanted and was shameless.  Have some guesses why he deceived me.

Another reason closeted lesbians marry straight men is to gain a better standard of living.  They have double discrimination- being women & gay.  Long term female "roommates" equal lesbians.

Dinah Shore weekend reminded me of that. Gay men own property in Palm Springs (aka Castro District South).  Lesbians stay for one weekend out of the year.

Last edited by MJM017 (August 25, 2021 10:04 pm)


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

September 2, 2021 10:57 am  #63


Re: How to detect guys if they're gay or straight...?!

Hi All
I have nor posted in a few months. I have been married to my husband for 11 years. 2 years ago I found a few things that lead me to believe he is gay. Now thinking back there were so many flags.
1. Super romantic but avoided having sex when we were dating
2. Our vacations consisted of more sight seeing then being alone in hotel
3. Never looked at other women
4. Always engaged in convo with men (Where are you from what do you do etc)
5. Always drinking and making sure I was drunk so that there was an excuse to not have sex
6. Our honeymoon in Thailand we only had sex 2x in two weeks.
7. On and off mad at me but would never admit why
8. Won’t talk about past partners
9. Won’t talk about sex at all
10. Less frequent and now we haven’t in two years
11. Always inviting over people or making super busy plans for us where I’m too exhausted to even think about sex
Recent:
12. Underwear I didn’t buy for him but not his usual style. These were tight and some silky
13. Viagra he hid in his closet from me
14. Men’s cologne that is not his or my fathers when he was visiting
15. David Y bracelet
16 I should add lots of travel for “business” pre covid and he was not detectable on find my friend.
17. Extremely homophobic

I have not left him yet. He refuses to admit what is going on. I know he is gay but he will never admit it. We have small kids and I guess that’s why I stay. Sometimes I think of this list and wonder if I am completely wrong but I don’t think so. He has ruined 14 years of my life. I am in therapy which is helping.

 

September 2, 2021 2:56 pm  #64


Re: How to detect guys if they're gay or straight...?!

RAR1027 wrote:

...............I have not left him yet. He refuses to admit what is going on. I know he is gay but he will never admit it. We have small kids and I guess that’s why I stay. Sometimes I think of this list and wonder if I am completely wrong but I don’t think so. He has ruined 14 years of my life. I am in therapy which is helping.

 

When this slowly creeps into and takes over a marriage/relationship it must be way more stressful with young children in the mix. I think it's great you're in therapy.
My children are adults, I've been with my partner for 37 years and I haven't left him either. Because it suits me to live as basically housemates at the moment. In this Covid-wrecked world I make my decisions slowly but what I did find that helped was moving, with help from a counselor, friends & family, and a lawyer from an emotional, distraught spouse who thought her life was over because the man she was in love with didn't actually seem to have the same reciprocal feelings about her.....to a spouse that realised that she, and her children, were far more important in the grand scheme of things...than a man who didn't want to be honest about who he was. I took the focus I had about what my partner was doing/may be doing/had done.....and put it squarely on myself

I hope you have great support in your day to day life

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

September 2, 2021 5:27 pm  #65


Re: How to detect guys if they're gay or straight...?!

"he has ruined 14 years of my life"

that sounds depressing - look from the list of red flags he's been having sex with multiple men all along.  On the one hand you can say well he must have good hygiene but on the other it might be worth thinking about the danger to your health.

Stop wondering if you are wrong about him being gay, don't let him do that to you, take a step back from partnering him - as Elle said, put the focus on what you can do for yourself.  Of course it is depressing to be locked into a loveless marriage.  

It is natural to go up and down.  Like a boat on the ocean it is weird when it is mill pond smooth.  The way it felt to me being married to gay in denial was like entering a mill pond where there is no movement, no up and down no liveliness in the spirit -  by the end of my 30's I was unwittingly wearing his depression, I was like a pillow for him, and as I aged I devalued like a pillow losing it's fluffiness.  

That's not all there is to me, and creatively I have bounced back even though I am in my 60's.  I just think you're here because you are looking for the next step to take and feeling for the ground in front of you - hope so, my suggestion is to think about your whole contract with life - settle back and have a good think about it, how you want to go from here.  What your needs are.  My philosophy is that it is like sighting with crosshairs - if it is something I both need and want.

wishing you all the best, lily

 

September 2, 2021 5:32 pm  #66


Re: How to detect guys if they're gay or straight...?!

Hello RAR1027,

It doesn't sound like he's straight in my opinion.  I had no sex during my honeymoon overseas due to GIDXH's fatigue. He had no problems going out for meals or visiting stores. The most romantic time of a marriage was a big zero for me.

I can relate to almost all on your list.  I was in a miserable loveless marriage for a long time. It's soul crushing.

Have never heard of David Yurman having a men's jewelry line. I know it's quite pricey.

You may wish to visit a family law attorney to know your legal and financial rights. It's good to keep your options open.

Best to you & your kids.

Maria

PS Edited a few times for content.

Last edited by MJM017 (September 2, 2021 6:31 pm)


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

September 2, 2021 6:47 pm  #67


Re: How to detect guys if they're gay or straight...?!

If I recall, wasn’t there a question from a female spouse regarding David Yurman jewellery in relation to whether or not it was significant? I don’t know for a fact. From the perspective of an unfortunately straight man it sounds as if RAR1027’s spouse is trying to be straight with her, when he is not.


And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
 

September 2, 2021 7:09 pm  #68


Re: How to detect guys if they're gay or straight...?!

Hi OG,

RAR1027 was the person who said her husband was gifted a David Yurman piece of jewelry from his boss (I think this is what happened) when she first posted some time ago. I have an Amazon dupe of a DY bracelet.

Here's a link to their men's line - this one's for rings.

https://www.davidyurman.com/products/mens/mens-rings.html

I would emphasize the lies and control of the GID filters down to financial matters.  A straight spouse feels stuck and afraid he/she will wind up penniless if they divorce. The wrath of the vengeful GID will prevail.

Not true! See an attorney. They'll let you know what you are entitled to. It's probably much more than you think.  Push this loser (my opinion - sorry for being impolite - but we all know it's true) out the door.

Last edited by MJM017 (September 2, 2021 7:21 pm)


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

September 2, 2021 7:28 pm  #69


Re: How to detect guys if they're gay or straight...?!

Apologies, my bad.


And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
 

September 2, 2021 7:41 pm  #70


Re: How to detect guys if they're gay or straight...?!

RAR, the Viagra/sexless marriage combo is always a bit of a giveaway - logic would dictate that he must be cheating with someone. So if you still have sexual contact, get tested for STIs - better safe than sorry.

Part of their game with us is to keep us uncertain and wondering what we can do to make it all better. All our focus on them.

However, we can twist ourselves into knots and spend hours/days/years trying to figure out our men and never be able to.

I finally realised I was being abused.  So ultimately the gay/not gay thing was not primary.  My safety was.
 
DARVO works very nicely for them to keep us confused and on the hop.

DENY We ask, they lie.
ATTACK We ask again, they get angry.
REVERSE VICTIM and OFFENDER We ask again, we are persecuting them by not believing them.

It is very freeing, I discovered after 15 years of this type of abuse, to focus on ourselves instead of them.

Is this acceptable to me?
Do I want to be old and alone with this man?
Would he care for me if I was sick or dying?

The answer to all was no for me. I already felt unsafe with him. He was already driving our kids away and isolating me.  Travelling with him was a nightmare of stress, isolation, anger and blame. He believed in euthanasia.

Focus on yourself and what your needs, wants and desires are for now and the future.  Take a hard look at the pros and cons of various decisions you might make to make your life better, safer, happier.  Whatever outcome you might desire, what needs to happen to get you there?

Good luck and i hope you find a workable path for yourself through the worry and confusion.

 

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