Ex-wife of a man who after 32 years of marriage declared he was "a woman in a man's body" here.  You have experienced some common features of life with a man who has decided he is interested in becoming a woman: narcissism and a lack of empathy for your feelings as he changes the terms of your marriage; moving the goalposts and refusing to rule out any further feminizing activities in the future, which leaves you constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop; keeping secrets related to his gender exploration; entitlement, in that he seems to think it's A-ok for him to decide on his own that he wants to have sex with other people.

I urge you to get your own therapist, just for you, so you can discuss what you're feeling without him in the room.  Gender therapists often explicitly follow the "affirmative" model, which means they believe their role is to affirm rather than ask questions.  You need a therapist who specializes in trauma--because that's what you are undergoing right now.

You can also find support from other women who are or who have been partnered with similar men on Mumsnet:  https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3668898-trans-widows-escape-committee-3-rise-of-the-trans-widows.

I'm posting below some resources for you to read:

Resources for partners of men who decide they’re transgender:

Academic and Professional:
  Michael Bailey, "The Man Who Would Be Queen."  It's available online and downloadable.  Bailey is a research psychologist at Northwestern Univ.
 
 Donna Chapman and Benjamin Caldwell: “Attachment Injury Resolution in Couples  When One Partner is Transgender”
Journal of Systemic Therapies, Vol 31, No. 2, 2012, pp36-53
(full text of article available online)

  Anne Lawrence, "Men Trapped in Men's Bodies/Becoming What We Love."  Lawrence is a trans person and an MD, a psychologist who treated (now retired) trans identified males.  Lawrence maintains an online presence and there are articles there.
 
http://www.annelawrence.com/autogynephilia_&_MtF_typology.html
 
Autogynephilia: An Underappreciated Paraphilia Anne A. Lawrence Department of Psychology, University of Lethbridge, Lethbridge, Alta., Canada
 
https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/3eb9/a449b840ef525436454c4f658b8d364d194f.pdf
 
 
Memoirs/Accounts by Wives
 
Those who left:

 Christine Benvenuto: "Sex Changes."     A memoir

   “Naeferty”  (a pseudonym)  Naeferty ran a blog about her experiences with her own trans identified male partner.  Read the post "Gas Mark Six" and the comments.
 
https://makemorenoisemanc.wixsite.com/mysite/post/a-plea-for-help-for-feminists-from-a-trans-widow
 
“Transwidows Escape Committee” Mumsnet
https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3668898-trans-widows-escape-committee-3-rise-of-the-trans-widows
 
A podcast: How my ex-husband’s transition made me feel
https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/p06xvbsc
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

You're so welcome.  And I mean that.  You're also welcome to private message me (use the "inbox" feature at the top of the site) if you like.

I feel for you.  I am going through a similar experience.  Husband of 12 years told me about his feminine feelings two years ago, and since then the situation has spiraled out of control.  Now we are splitting up.  I am emotionally spent. 

One thing you said "He has started wearing women's clothing and makeup some of the time and I am trying to be supportive but I consider myself a straight woman.  I am so confused."  In my opinion, you don't need to be supportive.  Personally, from the onset, I told my husband that I was horrified by his cross dressing and makeup.  I told him I never wanted to see him dressed as a woman. 

The frosting on the cake is that your husband says wants to have sex with other people (men?  women?)  Does he really think you would be okay with that?   

It is understandable that you don't want to talk to anyone about this.  I didn't for two years and then when I did, I felt much better.  It is a horrible secret to walk around with for all that time.  It could eat you up inside and out.  A friend of mine, who is a retired therapist, told me that when you have a secret, it is like what is happening isn't real.  I lived in that non-reality for a long time and deluded myself that his cross-dressing and other activities were just a phase.   After the secret was out, I was angry and hurt.  But relieved.  I can totally understand why you would not want to talk to anyone other than a therapist, though.  

I wish you the best and I am sorry you are going through this.   

P.S. - OutofHisCloset - thank you for the links below.  I read some of them and they were quite helpful.   
I

"If it doesn’t feel right it probably isn’t."

I am currently reading Frans DeWaal's latest book on emotions in primates (which include human beings).  Yesterday I read a section in which DeWaal explained that emotions are the best guide to our real reactions.  They originate in the body and are involuntary and immediate.  What we call our "feelings" about something are our interpretation after the fact of that emotional response, and we are very good at explaining away the discomfort of an emotion when for whatever reason we wish not to acknowledge or honor that emotion.  

When I read this section of the book, I thought about how my now-ex's crossdressing and acting out of his desire to be a woman made me feel sick to my stomach (which is one bodily expression of disgust, along with an involuntary grimace), but that I did my best to discount that emotion and to tell myself I just "wasn't used to it yet."  I expect another emotion I felt was fear: fear for me, my son, for my now-ex, for my future.

When I left him and was divorcing him, it was as if all those emotions that I had suppressed, ignored, or explained away came rushing back full force.  It made me sick to my stomach when I saw my ex's car in the parking lot at work; when I had to go over to our house to pack up my things (I moved out), I was overcome by the need to actually spit my disgust into the sink (and I am NOT a spitter!  I HATE spitting, which is to me the ultimate expression of disgust, and to be engaged in only for the worst transgressions).  

If what your husband is doing makes you uncomfortable, don't ignore that.  Act on it.  You will be very glad you saved yourself the trauma of what staying and attempting to counter your emotions or explain them away and rationalize his behavior will wreak on you.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (February 4, 2020 4:42 pm)

MJM,
  Oddly enough, lots of women over at Chump Lady who've been cheated on have said that their husbands' smell changed when they (the husbands) were cheating, and the new smell repulsed them.  I remember my antennae went up, because I had experienced it, too.