After a few days of sleep and processing...
I have the strangest feeling that I am too okay too soon if that makes any sense. I am less than a week from my husband telling me that he cannot suppress his feelings of gender dysmorphia any longer but almost a year out from his first speaking of his “thoughts” as he presented it then. He originally told me he just had seen a therapist for some thoughts he was having and that she affirmed his suspicions but that he was fully committed to me and would keep his “fetish” as he spoke of it private, but he wanted me to be aware. I told him and myself I was fine with him watching whatever and doing whatever behind closed doors as long as he wasn’t being unfaithful with another person. It didn’t intimidate me at first it just seemed like the equivalent of being into any other category of porn. About 5 months later his mental health took a steep decline into panic attacks, anxiety, and depression coupled with an inability to go to work or leave the house almost at all. He has a family history of mental health issues and alcoholism so his family (huge enablers) and I just encouraged him to get as much help as possible, which resulted in him being hospitalized for the first time after being prescribed 14+ medications. He felt forced into admitting himself and called me and his mother everyday to blame us for locking him up and I began to think our marriage wouldn’t survive his mental illness. When he got out he asked for a separation pretty quickly (I assumed because he hated me for the hospitalization). That only lasted a week before he was begging to have me back and I felt I had no reason to say no, after all I hadn’t asked for or wanted the separation. We survived the holidays well enough and he seemed to make progress to everyone in our lives. He was happier in social settings, drinking less, laughing more, etc. After New Years we found out his father has cancer and it sent him into a spiral and since he had stopped seeing his old therapist I insisted upon him seeing someone new ASAP. After two sessions with the new therapists I got a call in the middle of the day from his father that he had texted his mother saying he was going to miss her and he loved her forever but he couldn’t do this anymore. Everyone left work and I headed to drop my husband off at the mental hospital for the second time in 3 months, and I was devastated. He told me this was the last time and he was really gonna work on himself and get the help he needed to defeat this “mental illness.” This hospitalization didn’t affect me as much, I went to work, he only called within the boundaries I set, and was pleasant each time we interacted. Until the last visitation day before his release. He was incredibly agitated and frustrated that no one could understand him and how he felt etc. He claimed he was better but I didn’t believe him, I convinced myself that I was picking him up just to take him home and find him dead the next day. I cried the entire way picking him up and taking him home, something just felt wrong. As we were unpacking the car he handed me his discharge papers and as I read them over he saw me staring at the “triggers” section which listed 1. Being my unauthentic self and 2. Conforming to Masculinity. He snatched the paper and started shaking like a leaf and I just knew. He later told me he had plans to come out to me with his parents that night at dinner (thank god that didn’t happen). This time he presented his feelings as uncontrollable. He said he still loves me and is attracted to me and would be willing to stay committed to our marriage if I wanted to but that he can no longer suppress who he feels he is inside and that he couldn’t promise me that a complete medical/physical transition wasn’t going to happen one day. I knew it was different this time because he allowed me to tell my friends and family so that I would have support, which made it real. He has also allowed me to have the apartment we share as well as our dog (we met at 19 and have been together 8 years so no kids) and has agreed to financially contribute at the same level until our lease is up and the divorce is final. He has been more empathetic, loving, and kind to me in the days since he disclosed to me than ever before in our relationship and it’s throwing me for a loop. I feel like the denial and anger phases had already leaked out of me during the time between when he told me about his “fetish” and when he asked for the first separation, but I have done a lot of bargaining. I know that I cannot change my sexual orientation any more than he can and he has thankfully agreed to take things slower than I know he wants to for my own sake. So like I said I feel too okay too soon but maybe it is because I have really been dealing with this much longer than just one week. I know that ultimately even if he did not follow through or tried to walk it back that I would much rather have an ex wife than an angry, drunk, numb, and impatient husband. I just feel such a strong connection to him as we have essentially grown up together that my instinct is to be a supportive friend, I’m just not sure how to get there. I know many others have it much worse than I with shared property, children, etc. And I should be grateful that I feel okay for the moment but I cannot get over the feeling of overwhelming anxiety that those feelings of anger and resentment are not gone just on pause and I will not be ready if they return.