He said he wanted the separation to see if we could handle being alone and he said he couldn’t. So I am just scared that he will potentially walk this back again and I will take him knowing it’s only temporary until this comes up again.

I was married to a man who after 32 years of marriage developed gender dysphoria (he wanted an orchiectomy--to have his testicles removed--and to take cross-sex hormones), and who although not suicidal was volatile in his moods.  He'd also been treated for anxiety and depression (he was on medication), and for years had had vague health complaints that took him from doctor to doctor: headaches, something that resembled but wasn't fibromyalgia.  He decided he was "a woman in a man's body" but as he talked about himself he revealed he had "many woman inside" him, as well as a few men.  So I know something of what you're going through.   I also have a niece who last year was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder; she was a cutter for three years, and then began threatening suicide, so over the last 18 months she has bounced from mental facility to mental facility.  Her most recent hospitalization is the result of her threat to murder her mother. 
   Here's what these two experiences have told me: 1) your husband needs to figure out who he is on his own.  You can't "help" him sort it out and you can't "help" him become a woman.  What will happen to you is that you will get dragged, guilted, manipulated, and threatened along on his journey down the rabbit hole.  For you it will be like a trip to the theme park from hell, where even the roller coaster feels like it's taking place in the funhouse, where all the mirrors are distorted.  2) those with borderline personality disorder have a particularly challenging road to mental health, they can't get well unless they accept the diagnosis and work hard with a therapist, and they put their families through hell, while expecting everyone to treat them as if they are the special ones.  It doesn't sound as if your partner is willing to do that work, and he has already upended your marriage.
   In the interests of your own mental health, I urge you to listen to your own instincts: you know you can't change your sexual orientation to become the faux lesbian wife of a "transbian" (a trans-identified male who believes he's a lesbian), and you want off the roller coaster.  A marriage of one is not a marriage, and your husband is not available to be a partner, as his many, many mental issues make it impossible for him to be a reciprocating partner.  You can't carry the marriage alone, and a marriage in which one partner is doing all the accommodating and constantly responding to the other's latest crisis is not a marriage--or any way to live.  
  Your partner says "in an ideal world we would stay married and raise a family"--well, this isn't an ideal world, he isn't living in the real world, and there are consequences for one's actions.  When you tell your wife that you no longer want to be her husband, you've broken the marriage contract.  And, by the way, how is it that your husband thinks you will raise a family if he plans to become a woman?  By immaculate conception?
  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (January 29, 2020 7:54 am)

Hi Whereisup,

I have a family member diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.  They don’t want talk therapy (Dialectical Behavior Therapy - DBT). They self-diagnosed with depression and take px psychotropic drugs. It takes the edge off the behavior, but it’s impossible to be near them due to unpredictable verbal & emotional abuse.

There is so much to consider for you. These things came seemingly out of the blue & are here to stay.  You can’t control someone’s life. That’s a lot of pressure for a marriage. 

A suggestion would be to go to a therapist to sort out what you want and how to proceed.  Also, does your spouse truly want kids? He really had to want, want them. Otherwise, your spouse may resent the child. No kid is happy when they intuitively feel unwanted.

(OOHC, as an aside, I have to laugh when you brought up the Immaculate Conception. I told my late GIDXH this many times when I pressed for kids.  I felt like a married nun.)

Good thoughts for  you and your spouse.

Last edited by MJM017 (January 29, 2020 12:59 pm)

Just needed some words of encouragement. I have been feeling very sad and depressed about this whole situation I am in. I pray for some sort of guidance and answers but I know that’s not easy. I have pretty much isolated myself from everyone and everything that used to bring me joy. I feel nothing but hopelessness because I live with this man who has lied and cheated and refuses to admit the truth that he is gay. I can’t live like this. I just want out. I don’t go anywhere I don’t do anything I don’t talk to anyone. I have no commitment to this relationship only the two dogs.