bakerpurple wrote:

.......So, I guess my question is, for those who are committed to making an MOM work, is your spouse happy?.......

 

We're 3 years in to a strained monogamous MOM. We're both resentful, we both know the other is resentful. I don't trust him not to hurt me again, he can't understand why I can't move on

Elle
 

I sent you an private message. I think you may have to post at least three times to access it (I think that someone else had that issue) but it's there if you'd like to talk.

Is divorce just a question of when, not if?

I don't know how to answer, from what you wrote I get very mixed messages. 
Trying to go for a MOM is in itself a good thing, but only if both end up happy and marriage becomes the beautiful thing it's meant to be.

Dutchman, I appreciate your posts!  What you describe is what I want.  Something transparent, with no hidden pretexts.  

I was feeling quite conflicted when I wrote my post.  We were really rough for the first 2-3 years of our marriage, then he really turned a corner and has been getting better and better since then.  Seeing that he 'slipped' really threw me, because I felt that we had been going well for so long.  I finally gently ambushed him one night and got some answers.  I don't feel like the wool is being pulled over my eyes.  I know that he was very stressed and overwhelmed last fall, but it was a momentary thing.  I trust that.  He has a couple of friends in MOMs that he looks to as examples, because of the excellent communication they have with their spouses and the success they've had over the years and that is what he wants for us.

I guess when I posted I felt like he was totally in control, that all he needs to do is publicly come out and peace out on his merry way and I'd be left in the dust.  In reality, I know that I am in control.  He and I have clear limits, and if he crosses them, he knows that I'm out!  It might still be a question of when not if for divorce, but right now, divorce is the last thing he wants.  Our life together is more stable than anything he had in his life growing up and he doesn't want to jeopardize that.  Communication is so vital to the success of an MOM!!  I had so many thoughts for months, and all I needed to do was talk to him.

I guess when I posted I felt like he was totally in control, that all he needs to do is publicly come out and peace out on his merry way and I'd be left in the dust.  In reality, I know that I am in control.  He and I have clear limits, and if he crosses them, he knows that I'm out!  It might still be a question of when not if for divorce, but right now, divorce is the last thing he wants.  Our life together is more stable than anything he had in his life growing up and he doesn't want to jeopardize that.  Communication is so vital to the success of an MOM!!  I had so many thoughts for months, and all I needed to do was talk to him.

It's uncertain to you where this will end, and that is hard on itself. It sounds to me that you're hovering between different solutions and possible ways to go. There is no real clear path in front of you. Do I get you right (between the lines) that you're flip-flopping in your mind about the confusing situation you find yourself in? That's very demanding and difficult, and you hold on strong. 
But I'm worried about your husbands original motivation for marrying you. Although it undoubtedly stems from a strong conviction to do a righteous thing, this isn't a base for an intimate love relation like marriage.

But actually you should be able to trust this base of love with your eyes closed. Sure, this can really be challenged and times can get rough, especially navigating your way through a MOM. Struggle, grow, find a path together through difficulties and prosper. Getting back to shared unconditional trust, and feel it's there in all aspects of your relation. It is possible, but there has to be a base of love and attraction to start from. You can't summon it from nothing.
I have the impression you have a lot of love and will power, a valuable person trying to make good decisions. But you can't fill the void of love for you as a woman and wife, that your husband should fulfill from his heart. Despite his well meant intentions from his faith and heart felt wish for a traditional marriage. These intentions are no replacement for real felt love. You can't police him to do so also. Even when you would succeed doing that, it would not come beyond an outer appearance of marriage, it will never be the real thing. If it came to this result, it would be a shame to you both.

I honestly think that if I were in your position, divorce would be something I would consider (ie. from what you write, the impression I get). But... having said that, a MOM can succeed. If and when both love each other, 
go for it from the heart. Key word is BOTH, so not just your heart, but your husbands heart also. ('heart' is not like 'wish', or 'like to', or 'wouldn't it be nice', but really heartfelt from the bottom and every cell).

That's the dilemma I find myself responding to you. Our own situation felt quite desperate and uncertain at a point in our life, but it changed and evolved from there. However the start and foundation of our marriage was love, not a means to avoid social or religious pressure. You have to evaluate your situation carefully. You know your husband, and all other facts that play a role in this much better than I. Only you can decide what way to go, and that's a hard thing to do. I sure can feel with you, it's a hard time indeed.