Hi sct86

yes isn't it confusing when your partner turns out to be attracted to their own sex not yours.

overwhelmingly people report that they experience their sexuality in adolescence.  

It's not surprising you should have some feelings on discovery - it's good that she's being as honest and caring as she is and it sounds like there is real love between you and frankly a good friend like that is worth all the tea in China.

every bone in my body says that a mixed orientation marriage will hurt hurt and hurt more - not just my experience but that of so many.  

so yes I believe her, and I believe that she truly does want you to be happy in her suggestion of moving forward into divorce.  goodness, you have the chance to stop the marriage now and become friends for life.  that would be wonderful.  you could help each other.

wishing you all the best, Lily

Sorry you are here and there is no need to apologize for the length of your message. If your wife hasn't lied to you, still loves you and truly gets what she is putting you through. Then you have been given something that many of us don't get ! Even better it sounds like there are no kids involved.  I can't answer your question specifically. But I will say that I understand your hurt and the feeling that you have done so much together and that you can't imagine being without her.  I don't see how you can stay married now. Although you can't see it now you are young and you do have so to look forward to.  There will be other people who will want to share their life with you. In the meantime,  I am sorry that this has happened but know that you will get through this !

Steve: first name is Spencer, apologies.

Thank you everyone for the replies. Feels nice to know there are others out there. She is seeing a therapist about it, and we have talked about eventually seeing someone together to figure out the transition (I think it is a bit early for that though, it's been fairly explosive the past couple weeks). I don't think open marriage is realistic for either of us--we have talked a little about it and both acknowledged it probably wouldn't go well. 

We have talked about what to do with the house and our two dogs; and you are all correct, no kids in the picture. She is sleeping in the guest room (on the advice of her therapist--in order to avoid sending mixed signals), and has acknowledged pretty explicitly she wants to act on her SSA eventually, hence the need to move on from the marriage. I agree it does not have to be immediate, however, I don't think it's fair to totally slow play things, either--it just keeps us stuck in something that isn't real anymore and prevents healing.

It just really, really sucks knowing you're going to lose the person you've shared everything with to this point; and it is far worse knowing in your heart that losing that person is actually what's best for you and what needs to happen for you to be happy. That's not a truth many people have to face, and I guess I don't know what to do with it right now.  

Daryl,
I don't have the schedule for a dog or pet but I now see why folks have them. It really shows one what love is and a dog does not lie or cheat.
Its funny...I was like a dog to my lezex, I gave unconditional love..well conditions being she be faithful and treat me kindly..but she thought those conditions were too much.  Its a scary thought to realize our spouses were never capable of basic human love.

Hello Spencer, welcome to SSN - I'm really pleased you've found us.

My situation is almost identical to yours. When I first posted here (almost a year ago to the day!), I was 31, I'd been with my ex-wife (spoiler alert?) for 12 years (we got together at 19, she was my first girlfriend) and married for 5. No kids, but we did have a pet together. 

In my situation we tried for a few weeks to see if we could make things work - we spoke for hours and hours, not only trying to find compromises which we could both be happy with, but also excising demons and taboo subjects that had grow up in our time together. Sadly, we couldn't reach compromises we could both be happy with. This was on both sides - she was entering the 'gay adolescence' (the period immediately after coming out when the person experiences almost a re-birth - life becomes exciting as they are happy with themselves for the first time in possibly decades. It's almost like being a teenager again). I however in the uncertainty of the situation held firm to what I knew I wanted in my life - I wanted to start a family, I wanted to be a Dad. Obviously there was much more to it than just that, but those ideas were incompatible and so we decided we had to split. 

I don't know if how we handled things would suit you - every situation is different. I will set it out below, in the hope it gives you some support. I must stress this is just how I did handled the situation - I don't claim it to be the right way to do things, it's just how I did it. I really don't want you to take away from this that I think you should do what I did - you need to do what is right for you and you alone!!

OK - after that rather chunky disclaimer... 

We planned how our separation would go. We agreed that we would need to start new lives, and at first we could not be in each other's lives - at least at first. We were quite codependent, which we recognised as unhealthy, and so we agreed the best way for us both to start again was to go no-contact at first.

No-contact is often recommended on this forum. It worked for me - it was awful at first, but it gave me the space I needed to build myself a new life. 

We agreed that after a set amount of time of no-contact, we would via 'gate-keepers' let each other know we were ready to be 'just friends'. The idea of not having each other in our lives was too painful to consider, although we accepted we could only be in each other lives at a reasonable distance to ensure we successfully reestablished our independence. 

After we separated, I started the divorce proceedings immediately - this was not what we had agreed, but it was the most cost effective thing to do. I was also being selfish (and rightfully so) - I needed to know what was going to happen with the assets in the marriage as they were more mine than hers. I therefore got the ball rolling ASAP, as I didn't want that hanging over my head. This was also the advice I got from my family, who in the early days were instrumental in helping me get through.

After about 2 months, we met up to discuss divorce stuff only. That meeting went OK - it was awkward and uncomfortable, but we kept to the subject of the divorce and tried to thrash out some agreement. 

About two months after that we met again, again to only discuss the divorce. This meeting did not go so well. She told me that her feelings had changed, and she didn't want to see me again, and she just wanted me out of her life. To some extent, I felt she was blaming me for what happened, as I had started the divorce proceedings. I've not seen her since. 

This was hard - I was still working toward the idea that we would be friends in the undefined future. Even in just four months of no-contact, we had started to drift further apart in significant ways. It's possible her blaming me was a coping mechanism to help her adjust to her new life (of which I know nearly nothing) but this drove home to me that I am not part of her life any more, and she was not part of mine.

She was not aware of how I had started to build myself a new life. When we split, I threw myself at my friends and family, who were really terrific. I accepted every invitation to meet up with people, and I strengthened my existing relationships and through those built new ones - for example through my best friend I've now made a whole 'gang' of friends and I'm just 'one of the guys'. These guys are now some of the most important people in my life. My relationship with my family is stronger than ever. And last but very much not least - I was lucky enough that a wonderful new relationship has bloomed with one of the friends I reconnected with in the aftermath. 

I did not anticipate or intend to be in a new relationship so quickly. I explained this to my girlfriend at the start, and we took it slow so that it did not impact on my recovery. But when things click sometimes it best just to roll with them...

Here I am a year on from declaration, and I am happier than I've been in years and years. At first I wanted to stay friends, but now I am comfortable with the fact that my ex is now part of my past, not my present or my future.

I think what I'm trying to say, is right now you will not know how things are going to be when you do separate. Don't deny yourself things you want in your future, to preserve part of your past. 

And even more importantly - keep posting. This place got me through the darkest days I've ever known. Trust me - it gets better.