OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
NOTE: Due to recurring spam abuse, you must register to post.
1 - HurtAndConfused
- Member
Offline
Husband is Gay and having a hard time leaving him
Here goes...
Well, my husband and I met 5 years ago. We were instantly attracted to each other (or so I thought) and after the first date we were inseparable. Soon after, I had found out that I was pregnant and we eloped. That's when things started to go down hill. While I was pregnant, I found a text message and asked him about it. I thought it was another woman and he just denied it and said nothing happened and its not what I thought. He had gotten arrested one night for driving with a suspended license and his father brought me his phone. Jaw dropped down to the floor in disbelief. I thought hundreds of messages and back page ads where he was looking for trans women. I confronted him about it and he just cried. He said he didn't know what was wrong with him and that he wanted to stop but couldn't. I believed him and stayed. Then he got another cell phone which he used to cheat and left it in the car. I found that one and flipped out and again he promised that it would all stop. I would stay up all night arguing with him about how he could do this to me, especially being pregnant. He lost his job shortly after because he would take out all his anger on them after arguing with me. Fours year and another baby later...I am still here and wishing I had left a long time ago. He is still unemployed, living off of me which makes this situation a million times worse. He frequents trans prostitutes and has gotten STDs. Thank god I had stopped having sex with him after getting pregnant with my 2nd kid because in my last trimester, he comes complaining that there is a sore on his penis and well he contracted syphilis. He could of really hurt me and the unborn baby at the time. I was livid to say the least. I feel a lot of anger and resentment for the fact that I am taking care of him since he is jobless and he's out hooking up with trans women and gay men. I can't wrap my head around someone being able to do this to me. I feel guilt but I know I shouldn't because he says he was raped in military school and thats what started this. Today, I believe he just made it up to justify his story but i sound very evil saying this. We have 2 kids together and I think that the hardest part about kicking him out is the embarrassment I feel that I had kids with a gay man and a gay man who is using me while I stand here falling apart. He financially ruined me with bad advice and choices (raking up parking tickets on my car, gambling, drugs and I would be even more naive to think he wasn't using the money of prostitutes too) and broken promises of finding employment. My life is ruined, my finances are ruined and of course my marriage is a sham. I am depressed, don't take care of myself and my home is constantly in disarray. I think i stay in hopes that he's going to fix all this and save me with his empty promises but I know this is unlikely to happen. The embarrassment of getting divorce is a lot but especially after people find out that he was gay. Its like people will think it was my fault or that he just used me this entire time.
I don't know what would make me feel better or if I will ever get over this pain.
What will I tell my kids? and I don't want them to be around his "other" life at all.
What to do?
- OutofHisCloset
- Member
Offline
Re: Husband is Gay and having a hard time leaving him
Nothing in your life has a chance for improvement until you unload this user of a man.
The shame is all his to bear.
Go see a lawyer and find out what your rights are in divorce and how to protect yourself from his further financial shenanigans.
- Daryl
- Member
Offline
Re: Husband is Gay and having a hard time leaving him
His "other life" is dangerous, to himself, you and the kids. It doesn't sound like that matters much to him.
I'd suggest you protect yourself and the kids. I think you are the only adult in the room.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- MJM017
- Member
Offline
Re: Husband is Gay and having a hard time leaving him
I am so sorry this is happening to you. I am not a doctor, but you may be depressed. Staying in this situation will bring you down further and hurt your children.
I would kick him out of your house. Tell him to pack his things and never return. Then see a lawyer.
Last edited by MJM017 (January 2, 2020 8:23 pm)
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- Abby
- Member
Offline
Re: Husband is Gay and having a hard time leaving him
You are fortunate in that you have financial resources to help you escape from this cage but you will have to formulate a plan if you want out. If you are in the U.S. and if he has been violent or has threatened you with violence here is a starting point:
National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233
Website: www.thehotline.org
Contact your local or state Bar Association if you are in the U.S. for general information about family law where you live and also contact information for you local Legal Aid office.
Do you have anyone who will provide you with emotional support or a place to stay, childcare or transportation? You will need to ask for help and to be specific about what you need from them.
Make copies of important papers (birth certificates, insurance cards drivers license etc) and keep them in a safe place where he cannot get them. Open a bank account that only you can access and stash money there.
If you have a family doctor tell her or him the truth about your situation. She or he can prescribe medications if you need them. There is no disgrace in making healthy changes in your life and dumping this chump definitely is in that category.
Here's to a better 2020!
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
- Davin
- Member
Offline
Re: Husband is Gay and having a hard time leaving him
The situation with him will never improve. It is in your best interest, and in the best interest of the children, for you to jettison this guy instantly!
None of this is on you. All this craziness belongs to your husband. You need to get rid of him and view him and his world with this mantra -- "Not my circus, not my monkeys!" His behavior is dangerous and you have already seen examples of his risky behavior bringing syphilis into your home. There are worse things out there and he is on track to pick up each and every one of them.
You deserve better! You deserve to be with someone who loves you unconditionally. You deserve to be with someone who finds you insanely attractive and you are his dream girl! You deserve to be with someone who's heart goes pitter patter when you enter the room. You deserve to be with someone who truly loves you and cares for you. Your children deserve to see you in a relationship that is fulfilling with happiness in abundance.
- HurtAndConfused
- Member
Offline
Re: Husband is Gay and having a hard time leaving him
Thank you all for you replies. I know what I should do but now its time to figure out the 'how'. I live close to my in laws so pay for my child's daycare and need funds since I'm the only one consistently working. It wont be easy but I know from the other stories that once i do, I should feel relief and peace.
You all are very strong to have survived this and be able to lend a helping hand to others who are going through something similiar. I'm really happy to have found this site.
- •
Thread Starter- HurtAndConfused
- Member
Offline
Re: Husband is Gay and having a hard time leaving him
I still live with my GIDH. He currently goes out in the middle of the night with hook ups with TS women. When my lease is up, we are planning to go separate ways but that's at the end of the year. He doesnt help with rent on time and gets angry when I complain about it. He says me arguing with him will make him lose his job as a way to keep me quiet. He knows we need the money. I cant look at him without being angry. Our baby was sick and he insisted that i take the baby outside with me to go get meds as it wasnt his problem. Really? What a jerk. I cant believe I didnt see all of these things when dating. I cant get him out without divorce and I just don't have the money to start that process yet. I wish I could wake up from this horrible horrible dream. This experience has made me quite bitter toward Trans. Now, I'm disturbed by it. When I see them all I see is overly sexual men attempting to be woman. To me, they only see woman as these sexual creatures hence the boobs, make up, and hyper sexual attitude. This is what draws my GIDH. The fact that they will want sex anyway they can get it. As a woman, I need to be romanced, "warned up". His interaction with them are messages to meet up, get there and get straight to business and leaving. Very "unattached". I think this distorts the true idealism of a healthy relationship.
I'm sorry if this is offense anyone but seriously I'm struggling with the lack of empathy for people like me, people like us. Im just angry that my life has changed due to the need for sexual gratification especially in a way that is unfulfillable by me. It also started as him topping them and recently him bottoming. Then him having the audacity of telling me after he bottomed it was one of the best experiences of his life.
Does he not see the emotional and psychological damaging effects that this does? He also told me that the "taboo" of it is also something that draws him to it. That if what he does was openly accepted he probably wouldnt like it anymore. Who did I marry?
- •
Thread Starter- OutofHisCloset
- Member
Offline
Re: Husband is Gay and having a hard time leaving him
Hurt and Confused,
I suggest that you harness your anger and use it for action. Planning to go your "separate ways" in eleven months while living with an abusive man who does not pay his way and is willing to endanger your baby does not seem to me like a livable plan. In the five years you've lived with him after discovery your life has gone from bad to worse. Another year in this situation will only deepen the hole you're in.
Go online and look for a legal aid society, or go visit your local courthouse and query the clerks about paperwork for divorce.
- Rob
- Member
Offline
Re: Husband is Gay and having a hard time leaving him
HurtandConfused,
I know there came a point where going home to my cheating and raging gay wife at the time was debilitating. I would sometimes park and sit on side of the road saying "I cant do this..i cant go home to this one more day". But that is where my kids were and I could not afford to move out.
I will counter everyone here and say you are exactly where you need to be at this time. Do whatever you have to do to survive. This is reality..if you have to stay now because of money than do that.
If he wants to be a bottom, top, green alien ..whatever.
Discretely gather strength and plan your exit. Your kids need a constant stable parent and your spouse is not it. You are not idle..you are here. You are currently keeping your kid's lives constant. These kids will need us..God put us here to take care of them.
As your seeing it requires great strength..gather a support system.
Take small steps each day...ie. Open your own bank account. Just something tiny each day. You will know when it's time to hire a lawyer. It may come at a point when youve decided money no longer matters..it may come when you decide you have a enough support in place..
I maintained for myself and the kids "status quo". I came home, my now gx either gave me silence or raged at me, went out and had sex etc. I paid all the bills..even her hotel rooms. When the divorce was signed..i told her she was done. The anger and reaction I got was extreme but not unexpected..
What im saying is do whatever you have to do..but know the day will come when his entitlement to hurt you will end. Ie. It may be you get a small place for you and the kid(s) and your inlaws can still help with kids.
The end is unknown..unseen. But taking small steps now and realizing there is an end can go a long way. It is not forever.
The mills of God grind slowly but they grind exceedly small...
Sincere ehug.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7