Cadodd01, Sorry you are here. 

Reach out here as much as you need to.  Read, read read all the stories here.  Each of us is so different, but some themes tend to appear. But the real question is:  Do you feel loved, valued and respected by this man?  Is your marriage happy?  Do you get your needs met?  Sometimes we accept too much responsibility for someone else's problem.  If he is telling you he thinks he is gay or bi-sexual.  BELIEVE HIM.  Either of those options are not good for a hetero partner.   And understand what that means for you.   Denial aint just a river hun. And the fact that he is telling you this means something is up.  Be careful.  Take care of YOURSELF!  And talking to a close friend or family member might help YOU.  You take care... x 


 

Cadodd01 wrote:

I would have never in a thousand years dreamed I would be posting this.  My husband told me a couple of weeks ago that he is gay or bi sexual.

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. This isn't a phase or something that will pass. It is a realization that he isn't attracted to women and that his sexual desires involve other men.

Cadodd01 wrote:

It hit me like  a ton of bricks.  My world cam crashing down and I am devastated.  I feel betrayed, lied to, sad, heartbroken, destroyed and a million other things.

Everything you thought was truth you now call into question. Did he know all along? Was he just playing me? Was I just his "beard" so he could live an outwardly normal heterosexual life? Did he ever really love me?

I found myself struggling with all these questions. In the end, it isn't worth the effort to try to get answers. Often times you won't be able to anyway and when seeking closure, your partner just won't be in a position to give you that either.

What you need to do is to take care of yourself now. The only question you really have to ask yourself is "Can I stay in this marriage knowing that he isn't sexually attracted to me and that he desires sex with other men? Can I be fulfilled living my life this way?" For me the answer was easy -- I need to be in a relationship with someone who can love me back in the same way and the same amount as I love them. I don't want to be somebody's roommate, to split household chores and expenses. I want to be with someone who is my soulmate. Someone who can reciprocate my love.

Cadodd01 wrote:

He told me he had been sexually abused when he was a teenager and that he never talked about this to anyone.  He then told me he had experimented in his college years with porn and a guy circle masturbation.  He told me that he experimented after his divorce from his first wife (he was married to her for 12 years)  and before our marriage with another male orally.  He said he is currently having gay thoughts and sexually attracted to men.

The fact that he has acted on his gay/bi desires really seals the deal. These thoughts and feelings are not going to go away and often they grow stronger and stronger the more he tries to deny them to himself.

Cadodd01 wrote:

We have been together for 12 years and will be married for 10 years in May. 
We have 4 kids total, he had 2 from his previous marriage and I had 2 from my previous marriage and we have a 2 year old grandson.  His oldest son would disown him and would not allow our grandson around him if he knew this situation. My husband has asked that I not tell any of our family or friends about this and that he does not want anyone to know.

"Not my circus, not my monkeys!" While you don't need to out him to the entire world, you also don't need to be called upon to perpetuate the lies. Give him an opportunity to tell close family and friends but tell him that there is a limit of time for which you are willing to keep quiet. This is a huge burden to be put on your shoulders. You should never have to lie for him. You can redirect questions to him when others ask why you split for example. I find myself often telling people that if they need more details about why we divorced, they should ask my ex.

Cadodd01 wrote:

He says he is confused about a lot of things and doesn't have a clue right now what he wants.  He says he wants our marriage and our life to work, but right now just isn't there.

Fortunately for you, he already sees the writing on the wall and knows that being in a heterosexual marriage isn't going to work for him. He is reluctant to blow up the marriage because it has provided "cover" for his secret desires but it isn't your place in this world to help him hide in his closet.

Cadodd01 wrote:

We did go see a counselor together today and then we will break out in separate sessions individually beginning next week.  The counselor strongly urged me to find support for myself.  Unfortunately, all of our friends are mutual friends and everything that we do in life has revolved around each other and our mutual friends.  I feel stuck on who I can reach out too. 

This is a great resource and I am so glad that you found your way to this site. When these things happen it feels like you are the only person on the planet for which this situation has occurred but you have already found on here that this is more common that people would ever guess. I am so relieved that you are seeking counseling, that's really important to work through these issues. You can get through this, life will get better.

Cado, I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

I have noticed that for many of us, these men aren’t driven to the point of confession easily, and often they try confessing just a little bit at a time. The easiest thing for them is to claim to be “bisexual” instead of “gay” for one thing.

If your husband came to the point of needing to tell you, he’s beyond the experimental stage.

Cadodd,
   After discovery/disclosure it's common for straight spouses to focus on our spouses.  So I'm going to ask you: What do YOU want?  Is this situation of your husband's living in paralyzed limbo acceptable to you?  Is living in a marriage under these conditions acceptable to YOU?