When I found out that my husband was telling people we had separated because we'd "grown apart" I corrected them by saying "No, I didn't grow a part he wanted." By this time both of our children knew the real reason so there wasn't that to hold me back. And I have a wicked sense of humor.

If you have one adult child you have not told l think that as soon as you can you need to tell the him/her the truth. This is particularly true if your ex is engaging in risky and/or illegal activities which might land him on the news. The more honestly you can live your life the better your new life will be.

Growing up I heard the story about a couple who lived near us and were surprised one year to receive a Christmas card baby photo from a single young woman who was not in their social circle. A talk with their son revealed that he likely was the father and they put pressure on him to pay child support. Not that I would suggest sending copies of your ex's ads or photos to your child's in-laws but it might be helpful to make copies so that you can tell your child that you have evidence of your ex's desires for sex with males. With my children it turned out that while they were at home one had found gay stuff accessed on the family computer and suspected it was their father's. You could find out that the one your haven't told yet already knows from the one you told or from other sources.

Once both children know the truth perhaps you can ask the one with the in-laws to try to let them know what really was behind the divorce. You probably won't have to see them much so try to shake it off.

What you have endured would try the patience of a saint, and I can see why you are as angry and resentful as you are.  

My ex is also closeted, and also has one of those unassailable public personas; I have evidence in the form of emails and selfies he sent me, and I keep them tucked away to remind myself that yes, he is what I know him to be, despite his public persona, and also "just in case"--one of those "just in cases" being finally telling my son, who I suspect will not believe unless I do produce the evidence.

I hope you have evidence, in a safe place, and can produce it when or if needed.  The temptation to out him must be almost unendurable, and kudos to you for the self control you displayed at your child's wedding; it must have been very difficult in the face of your ex's obvious manipulation and image management.  I always feel their public image management is a match for their sordid activities, so the more over the top public image management the worse the private behavior.

  I believe it is "WalkByMyself" who said that she told her children about their closeted father because she had seen news accounts of a closeted man who was murdered, and she didn't want her children finding out when the police arrived at the door.  Perhaps she'll weigh in (and correct me if I've gotten the story wrong).  Whatever your decision about providing the truth, when his behavior and false persona is exposed publicly, you'll be vindicated--but your in-laws will probably still keep their distance, as they won't be able to tolerate having to eat humble pie.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (December 30, 2019 4:29 pm)

OOHC, you are correct, that was me.  I don't believe a secret can remain secret forever, and I wanted to control the time and place my daughter had to learn it.  It would be shocking no matter what, but at least I could control the message.

Angry, I agree with what others have said.  If they're going to make you into the monster, they're going to do it no matter what.  But, you are under no obligation to keep their delusions intact.  

You could, if you chose, place the burden directly on your ex.  You have kept his secret for him, to spare him embarrassment, but you are not going to stand by silently and allow people to blame you and disparage your character.  He has to man up and stand up for you, or you'll set the record straight.

Abby, your response is brilliant.  I may need to steal it.