my sympathy.  To you and the other new poster, EnduringAgony.  No wonder it hurts so much - we love our spouses so deeply but then things don't go the way we need them to.

The thing I want to ask you is what do you think changed a year ago that she had the heightened libido?  you know.  it's a question isn't it.  

and why didn't you know before you were married - it's taken so very long for her to admit that she wasn't straight to you, doesn't she feel you are her soul mate too?  

wishing you all the best, Lily
 

breizh wrote:

Around a year ago, she began experiencing very heightened libido, almost to the point of hypersexuality. It was exciting for both of us. However, the other shoe was about to drop. During this phase, it became clear to her that she was more attracted to women than to men. She kept this secret for a few months until the turmoil inside of her became too great and I knew something was deeply wrong. One morning when she was up way before her usual waking hour, I told her that I felt like there was something she needed to tell me.

This is not at all uncommon for the GID or confused partner to get heightened libido when they start getting feelings of same sex attraction rushing in. Often they try to prove to them self and their partner that they are straight and will increase sexual activity to do just that. I went through the exact same sequence. Mine went from she had an affair with another man, I found out, she told me she wanted to save our marriage, our sexual activity went off the charts for awhile, she got to the point where every sexual fantasy she had involved being with another woman ("let's meet a couple at a bar and go back to the hotel room and then the girls can have fun", "let's pick up a woman at a bar and bring her back to a hotel room", etc.) Often times when we had sexual encounters she was unable to achieve orgasm unless she had lesbian stimulation (pillow talk or lesbian porn). I pointed all this out to her and she said it was all just a fantasy, that she could NEVER do such a thing in real life. Well, at some point you have to say to yourself... "If it walks like a duck, and looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck... you just might have a duck on your hands."

I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is really difficult.

You find yourself feeling attacked -- did she knowingly get into this relationship deciding to "pretend" to be straight? Did she care so little about me that she was willing to sacrifice my happiness and fulfillment to provide cover for her little secret? Is there something wrong with me that not only my wife isn't in to me, but she'd rather sleep with other women than her own husband? Am I that bad of a lover in bed that she can't stand sex with me?

What you will need to come to terms with over time is this -- it isn't about you. None of this is about you. This is entirely on her. She made choices over the years. She chose to lie to you, maybe even herself, about her same sex attractions. Best case scenario is that she really loved you and hoped that by being together she would somehow grow to love you and become attracted to you over time. Worst case scenario she was cold and calculated and thought to herself he'd make a great cover for me and will take care of my other needs and make my life easier. I still haven't figured out where my wife fits on that spectrum and it really isn't all that important that I ever do.

The bottom line is that she isn't attracted to me and isn't "in love with me" in the way that a husband and wife ought to be. She can never fulfill my needs of having a life partner who returns my love in the same amount and same way that I love her. She isn't happy in the relationship and neither am I. To move on, we decided to go our separate ways in hopes that we each might find a way to find happiness. I need to be with someone who reciprocates the love, desire, and affection I have for her. Being able to articulate that now sets me up for success going forward.