the ick factor - back in the day when I first turned up here it was a regular feature, new posters would express it one way or another, usually it would come with a preface of I am gay friendly but ugh I am feeling sick now.

That comment I made earlier that sexual orientation doesn't matter if you are friends but it is a big deal if you are married is on the same lines - him being gay did not make me feel sick but sleeping with him did.  I believe it is that sense of repulsion.

The fact that my wife said she was lesbian, didn't change who she was as a person. So after the initial, shock I decided to accept her, the lesbian thing and all included. For I understood it was not a deliberate choice for her. To me it was most important what she did (ie. if she would have gone for actual sexual intimacy with women, that certainly would have triggered repulsion in me).

Nevertheless the question arose "what does she think... what are her fantasies". For having sex with someone who categorically replaces you with someone else (in imagination/fantasy), isn't exactly the thing that makes one happy. This is certainly something that can turn sour. And it's complicated, for how to really know what's going on in somebody else's mind. This can happen in straight relations also, but in a MOM there is extra anxiety about it. Not being of the preferred sex to the other, creates a lot of opportunity to feel rejected. And this possible rejection has an extra depth to it, for it challenges you to the core (ie. being a man or woman).
This in turn can lead to repulsion as a counter response, nobody wants to feel rejected, especially in the bedroom, where you're open and vulnerably being and giving yourself. And certainly not to the extend of not being acknowledged for your most basic identity: being man or woman. This cuts very deep in the soul!

To me this was the main struggle in those first years after her coming-out. And exactly this aspect had a lot of impact on me emotionally. So much so, that only now, the last couple of years, I'm really and completely recovering from the last remaining aspects of the damage done in that initial period. It was that intense to me.

I do think my wife's fantasies thoughts etc. in the first year weren't purely directed at me, due to falling in love with a woman and all the feelings involved. She was so much absorbed with her own discovery of (lesbian) feelings, she didn't had a clue what all this did to me. In many respects she behaved like a teenager, very much self absorbed. It was chaotic and turbulent, and wreaking havoc in our marriage. Much more then she realized at that moment.
She got out of that groove. She may have been acting stupid, but she's a lot wiser then that! Also my clear stance (drawing the line!) and therapy, talks and her faith(!), helped her to get grips on her feelings.
But it's no place I want to be in ever again, indeed, bloodpressure rockets and stress levels go through the roof.

Still, in spite all the turmoil that happened, deep down we loved each other. We wanted to find each other through it all. Maybe, at some time, just our (very truly meant) wedding vows helped us through this. Love is not a feeling it's an act of your will. It's also a song of Don Francisco https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mKbHFMADh8Y and it expresses just what I mean. Not just for me, this intention came from both sides.
With that common cause and direction, there is no reason for repulsion anymore, it's about acceptance and from that: finding a way together and towards each other.

In a MOM you're so very much interlinked. Love has to flow from both sides! It's like a balancing act, where you have to to learn to trust each other, and at the same time prove to be trustworthy and sincere to the other. Only then you reach the other side of the (sometimes sloppy) rope. 

The intersex people - they say 1.7% is the current estimate, ie similar to the number of redheads in the population.  I think the most important thing on their agenda has already happened - to stop the practise of performing operations on their genitals when they are little.  But that is just emblematic of this thing where they have to be male or female pick one.  They're not.  One of the more unusual types of intersex has one testes and one ovary.  It appears that things become more formed for most of them after the hormones of puberty have had their say.  I want to support them in being able to say hey I'm not sure what sex I am at the moment, and that being okay with all of us - it is true for them.  So I also read an article on Amnesty International about the intersex people and their wish was not to be swept under the carpet, for intersex people to be acknowledged.  Yes.  

The percentage is dubious, the people that actually have a problem in early childhood, (which you suppose to be the mayor item on the agenda) concerns just a very small fraction. (0.2% or so). 
I've no objection at all not to be considerate towards people with that condition. Nor do I have any inclination to look down on people that have hormonal problems later on. And yes I find it not okay if they are not respected or acknowledged. I think we agree on that (like most people do).

Thing is, I don't want to be dis-acknowledged in the process.  Don't tell me I'm not a female.  I am grateful to have a simple identity but I still need it, I can't do without it.  And that's my point about the blur - blur is created when the truth of one identity is superimposed on others.  Intersex people have been blurred out of the picture altogether but they are not just one sex, that is true for them, but it is not true for me, I am all female and don't tell me I'm not.    Not a girly girl but all girl I assure you - the basic monogamous model.  I accept there are people who aren't monogamists but I don't like it when they want to tell me monogamy is ridiculous, sure it is for them but it really is the way I am, that's what I need and there are plenty of us aren't there.  we get picked by the bisexuals so much, if you ask me, because we make such good spousal material.

Though I do think that sexual orientation is a totally different line then intersex. I agree with you. In western culture there is a movement going, that seems to be aiming at a "genderless society". This is not because it's for the good of some (very) small minority, no, they have an ideology that seems to strive beyond that. That is something to be aware of I think. (hint: google on "Judith Butler")
Making use of the (just) problems some minorities have, they may actually want to propagate something else. Their own agenda that goes way beyond the problems that a small percentage of people experience. It is certainly something to be cautious about and to be followed critically.
People get caught up in this movement, but are supposed to follow quitely...

My husband told me on 12-20-19 he was gay or bisexual.  We have been married for 10 years and been together for over 12 years.  We both had children from a previous marriage and have raised them together over the years. They are now in their 20's.   I don't know what triggered him to tell me this now, other than he "has to find himself" and decide how he wants to live the rest of his life. He does not want me to tell anyone that he is gay or bisexual.  Our friends, family etc. has no idea and will be just as shocked and as I am.
  We do love each other dearly and we love the life we have built together and I am not sure if we are ready to give that up or if we want to try and make a life of some sort together work. We also have a 2 year old grandson that means the world to both of us. 
We are both seeing a couples therapist together and individual therapist separately.  During my appointment today, I was asked 3 questions, how do you feel about a sexless marriage;  how would feel about an open marriage; or how would you feel about bringing another male into your sex life?  I honestly don't know right now how to answer any of these questions or my thoughts on them.   I have never really thought about it or ever thought I would be faced with those questions.   I am open to suggestions or recommendations, advice on this topic.  From what I am reading it is individual for everyone, what works for some may not for others,  but I would like to know different strategies or what has or has not worked for others.

You're not finished responding, but I take the liberty to repond on your posting so far. (also to prevent those long posts I tend to write... )

the ick factor - it's a subterranean thing, it didn't start when I discovered he was gay.  It started right at the beginning of our relationship.  I wasn't aware of it - if you'd asked me at the time I would have said how much I loved him.  And I also was aware of it - something didn't feel quite right.  I couldn't put any words to it, I was so young, I wasn't experienced enough so it was easy for him to let me think it must be my fault, maybe I wasn't doing something right.  The more underground it went the more it became a bit like that anxiety sick feeling you can get before a job interview or something like that.  But not as clean as that feeling, not as come and go as that feeling, more ick.  Actually I'd like to just interrupt myself to say thank you, Dutchman, it has been good for me to talk about this stuff.  The ick factor, look he couldn't help the feeling of repulsion in him, I was the wrong gender.  It was an act of will on his part to tolerate it.

Your unconsience warned you something was wrong. Not in the first place because of his shortcoming in sexual response, he deceived you about this (gaslighting) and was insincere. 
Like some con one can fall for. After being conned the realization of the tiny voice in the back of your head that was warning all the time, but which was ignored by consience because the story sounded so convincing. And you realized you were blinded because you wished it to be true.
This happening in the sexual relation in marriage is of another level. Sensing hidden motives behind something that's supposed to be loving and pure. Maybe this caused that "ick factor" for you? (I can understand the repulsion you felt).

In my marriage this was different. My wife genuinly didn't know she was lesbian. Over the years she just realized that the heterosexual feelings she was supposed to have, weren't present in her. And she felt more and more depresssed about that, blaming herself, without understanding what the cause was. Our sexual relation suffered, but it was never a con. 
I never had the ick factor like you had. I think this can possibly explained by this difference.

So, maybe, the "ick factor" is not about homosexuality as such, but has to do with deception and hidden motives.

when I got divorced I used to think the women who were friendly to me wanted to be friends, now I am more aware and don't let it get to the awkward stage - I've been really surprised at the number of women, both married and single who have made overtures.  As soon as I realise they are sexually interested in me, I have this ew, no thanks moment and they pick up on it real quick - it's that wrong end of the magnet thing - I've responded favourably to her charm but when it goes a little deeper there it is, ew, no thanks, I'm not interested in her, I'm straight.

 My Gay in denial ex masked that ew, no thanks response, he posed in front of it, as if to say yes, aren't I manly, aren't I special, so considerate of women, wouldn't you like to have me as your boyfriend - can I help you, he said when we first met.

 

I've responded favourably to her charm but when it goes a little deeper there it is, ew, no thanks, I'm not interested in her, I'm straight.

Of course, in comparable situation I would feel the same.

My Gay in denial ex masked that ew, no thanks response, he posed in front of it, as if to say yes, aren't I manly, aren't I special, so considerate of women, wouldn't you like to have me as your boyfriend - can I help you, 

he said when we first met.

Well that's the thing, the masking and the insincerity. I can imagine there are different types of this: 
Narcissistic evil deception from the beginning. One enters into a very troubling marriage situation with those. Do you think you ex was a narcissist?

Or just plain lying and hiding, because they feel pressured (religion, internal homophobia, community etc) to enter into a straight marriage, without disclosing it to the spouse. (or claiming bisexuality, when actually it's real gay). This is an unhealthy way to live, for one would internally feel the dishonesty of it. If this goes on for many years, this could induce narcissistic traits. (depending on the personality and the level of deception I think).
Some hope to cure in marriage, but I think just the opposite happens. Keeping the secret, constantly reminds of the "gay feelings" making it a bigger and bigger thing. Being suppressed, it grows.

'The closet' maybe the most damaging aspect in all of this. Not only to the straight spouse, discovering to be deceived for years, loosing trust etc. but it's also damaging to the homosexual spouse. I think it makes it more difficult to handle those feelings after it has grown in that dark secret closet. 

Dutchman, I am sorry, but your wife saying she didn't know she was a lesbian sounds a bit disingenuous to me.  ie pretending to know less than she did.

You don't have to apologize for the question, I can understand you have some doubts.
My wife had a very difficult childhood. Above I mentioned narcissism, well, the mother of my wife was a narcissist (full blown NPD). Being raised in such an environment is devastating to a young girl. My wife couldn't develop a true sense of own identity, in fact her mother actively and intentionally worked against that. btw. we didn't realize this at the time, we didn't even know that NPD existed and she wasn't diagnosed. Problem with narcissists is that they never seek help for their mental illness, because they can't assume they have a problem themselves.

My wife was always doubting whether her feelings were actual, "am I feeling what I'm supposed to be feeling?". Not only towards me, but also to the children. She loved them, but to herself it felt like a question mark. It never felt real to herself when she said "I love you", in her ears it sounded sort of hollow. Let me be clear, my wife was (and still is) a kind and loving woman, it was just how she herself experienced feelings internally.
And she didn't experience lesbian feelings either. 
Sometimes we wondered whether our problem with sexuality was caused because she was lesbian, so this question was raised. But she didn't feel attraction towards women, and we discarded it. If she would have experienced these feelings, she would have told. To her it was much more a burden not knowing what was wrong with her. 

Later she went through a couple of very dark and troublesome years. Eventually accepted unconditional love through faith, went in therapy for several years and found/build identity and inner experience of feelings. Only after that, it turned out she was lesbian. Actually it was a relief to her to find out. At that time, my wife spoke to a friend of hers whether to tell me or not. Her friend advised her to keep it to herself, ill advise, but well intended for my wife's friend was afraid it would break our marriage. Luckily my wife decided not to follow up that advise, for she considered it was not right to keep such an important matter hidden and told me.
So all in all, she was 3 months or so 'in the closet' (if you could call it that, because it was logical she wanted to take some time to be sure of her feelings before she told me).

In this respect we are atypical: midlife coming-out (age 39) without really being closeted. (indeed, the term 'coming out', feels not like the right words to us).

so back to your older post - the thing in it that stood out for me was your saying love is not a feeling it is an act of will.  Goodness that surprised me.  Isn't love the one thing that is greater than our will power?  I believe it is,  you can try as hard as you like but if you are in love that's what's happened, it takes you by surprise and it happens between you and no act of will will change it.  Whether you act on it or not, the feeling is powerfully there.

Personally I believe there's a reason for it happening - nature's way of getting you to move along.

In Dutch there are two different and distinct words for "being in love" and "love". (in Dutch: "verliefdheid" and "liefde").
"Falling/being in love" is very much about feelings and emotions. Not rational, like you write: it's natures way to jump-start things.  
"Love" is less about feelings, it's much more a deliberate choice of the will to seek the interest of the other. 
A marriage cannot be dependent on "being in love" all the time. Actually "being in love" is more due a chemical event happening in the brain. Sure, it feels great and can be fun, but it has no lasting value. It's a Hollywood thing to suggest that this emotional high is the same as "love". 
 
When one doesn't understand the concept of (real) love, they run around (like headless chickens I would say) seeking an experience of feelings and thinking that it's about "love"... but it isn't.
Real love has everything to do with the will. Also love and faithfulness are inseparable (the will decides to be faithful to be loving to the spouse). Even when happy feelings are hard to find and it's a struggle to go through barren lands. So... love is not a feeling, it's an act of your will!

When my wife had "fallen in love with a woman", this wasn't necessarily the end of the world (aka 'our marriage'). It was important however whether her real love for me would endure. Like I wrote, this had everything to do with her will, the choices made from her will. (through the turmoil of feelings, emotions, discovering her sexual feelings and the whole lot this encompasses).

I'm sorry Dutchman, I known you are wanting to tell us that you have come to a good place in your MOM and good for you.  You are not being preachy about it or trying to tell us we can all do it, on the contrary.  And I don't want to pour cold water on your hopes.  I hope you stick around and I wish you all the best.  Lily

Our MOM has come to this good place, otherwise I would be very hesitant to write about it. I'm not in a vulnerable place anymore. After 15 years in a monogamous MOM, I think I've earned enough to say something about the subject. I very much appreciate your posts, also when challenging me, for you should! Your intentions are for the good, and I fully understand it. A MOM can be (or turn out to be) so very harmful to the people involved, it's heart breaking to read those stories. On the other side, there is a possibility for a totally different outcome. And this I know for sure, for I'm living it. It's not some distant hope, it's real! If I still had any doubts about that I would tell. I try to be as open as possible about our MOM.

So what makes the difference? Why are some MOM's doomed, and why some are not? 
Are there some preconditions that determine it? If so, which?
Are there acts of behavior and handling things that are decisive? If so, Which?

Somehow I hope to get this clear. Maybe using me as a representative of a successful MOM, challenged by MOM's that didn't make it. Not to judge or condemn, but to get clear what the decisive line is. 
To my opinion that could possibly help people to decide which path to go. Hopefully: prevent years of pain, or prevent discarding a valuable relation and/or breaking up a family.

PS. With this it didn't respond to a post of you (regarding the teenage thing). When I started to write a reponse to it, I noticed my remarks would be in regard  to a more general overview.  So I think best continueing the discussion about above post first and later pickup om the 'teenage thing'.