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December 1, 2022 7:43 am  #51

Re: Happy MOM for 15 years and going (lesbian & str8 man)

a post to bring the topic on. Because of this remark:

I haven't heard of people in a MOM staying in love and being happy. Does that happen? Is it possible? Or am I hoping for what everyone else hopes for and doesn't find?

So it's more noticable for people searching this info for some time. 


December 1, 2022 3:35 pm  #52

Re: Happy MOM for 15 years and going (lesbian & str8 man)

> To my opinion acceptance is key in a MOM. First of all my wife accepts her own sexuality, doesn't see it as something to repress (that's not the same as not acting out). Secondly I accept her like she is, so she doesn't have to fear being checked (rejected) by me. So she is not repressing and I am not repressing. We can both feel relaxed and free about it.
Very possibly this acceptance and relaxed way, takes the sting out. (while when someone says: "don't look behind you!", makes it near impossible not to).

(I'm getting quite ahead of my reading by asking my question now; I'm only on page three of all you have written. (It was back in May of this year that you pointed me towards these posts. It's taken me until now to be ready to read them through. I am so grateful that I waited, as I have learned so much and gone through so much between then and now that I am able to gain so much more as I read these posts.))

That said, it's a real pressing question in my home right now. While I continue to affirm that I am fully accepting of my husband as being gay, my husband himself can not, at this time, see how not being loved by a man is anything but repression. He feels he needs to have it spelled for him: how can he be a homosexual male with a core desire to be loved by a man, and still choose his wife, this need and desire forever unrequited. He can't see how this is not a life that requires repressing his identity.

I can give more context if needed. Please ask.

Meantime, I will go back to where I was in the story.


December 1, 2022 8:48 pm  #53

Re: Happy MOM for 15 years and going (lesbian & str8 man)


what you both have to work through is quite a lot. Coping with finding yourself in a MOM situation is complicated. For you, and for your husband. Both have to deal with feelings, questions and pain. 
We certainly weren't excluded from that, sometimes it was so very very difficult. Reading your post, I so much understand the predicament you're going through. I just have to close my eyes and think back to those years, and feel the hurt of that situation again.

The only way that I can try to really help you, is by telling our story and how we got to a solution. Providing hope but also knowledge to get to where you want to find yourself. We had to find our way without any guidance or outlook, so I hope it makes a difference in that regard. But it will not avoid the painful experience you both have to go through. It has to go to the real fundaments of love, total acceptance, complete authenticity.
Just "somewhere in the general direction" won't do, it has to be really real and heartfelt. That's what makes the journey so hard, no shortcuts are allowed. (well... you'll probably tried or still try, but it won't work).

It's a joint venture, you both have to go this way. Each with their own specific package of trouble. The straight has other kind of troubles to deal with than the gay has to. And a man has other kind of problems as compared to a woman. One is not harder than the other, it's only different. Each has to cope with their own personal challenge. However, you can (and should) try to understand and support each other, but each has also an individual path to go. Next to the common goal you go for as a team, that aims at getting the marriage to what and where you both want it to be.

The goal of a succesful MOM is not "some lesser than". If anything, a succesful MOM is more than you expected or thought. For when you get through the huge obstacles, you have a relation that goes beyond most marriages, and with a depth that many relations never achieve. And it's not just the relation, but this includes your personal growth as well. But... skip the hardship, you won't get the reward.

I hope your husband also has notion what he's going for in a MOM. After all, it's his choice also I would expect. It's his priority, not denying the troubles he feels.
Well, accepting includes this. However I think that total acceptance (relaxed, no problem, "it's what I feel", "the way I view the world" etc) makes things so much easier. Acceptance of sexual orientation that is at the level of acceptance like everybody else in this world. My wife accepts her sexual orientation, just like I do mine (straight). What I see, feel, and whatever that pops up from my own sexual orientation is no different than hers. So it's indifferent, like accepting the color of your eyes. Like: Who cares? 
There has to be a resolve inside your relation about sexuality, read our story! But self acceptance for the gay, and as straight towards the gay spouse in the relation, it has to be unconditional and unproblematic like this. Plain, uncomplicated, total acceptance of sexual orientation is really fundamental. No... acceptance doesn't imply the necessity of living it out. That is simply not true.
Sexual orientation is not a choice, but whether living it out or not certainly is a choice.

In regard of difficulty making choices I do think that acceptance still plays a mayor role in this. When acceptance is real and at rest, the lure of it doesn't have to be that different as any straight experiences. Everybody experiences attractions and has to deal with it. Having a sexual orientation that is directed at persons of the same sex, is what it is. No supprise there! Even when married to someone of the opposite sex.
Is there still some strange expectation that this anyhow has to be different? If so, stop that nonsense and get real! Same sex attracted is same sex attracted.

The real (actually: theoretical) problem is: what impact has this on your marriage, the (sexual) relation with a person of the opposite sex.
Is the gay spouse willing to cross the emotional bridge? Open the door to his spouse, go out to her and let her in. Deeply so, without holding on to the sexual orientation as inner blockade between them. Maybe out of fear that they will loose their identity and being if they do so. This is no small step, it's a giant leap.

The straight side has to go a different but comparable route. Going against rejection (not being appriciated for what you are). Why in heavens name would and could you do that?... This also takes a giant leap, but of a different kind than the gay spouse has to make.

The power that achieves this is Love. Not a hollywood kind of thing, but choice, conviction, the determied will to go for absolute and objective good. Like: I wan't that, because that is good, Love no matter what.
When that comes from both sides it's like fusion. It overcomes anything and comes together. It's Love at the core, but at the same time discovering and describing it's real meaning.

There is no recipe for this. A couple has to develope and grow towards it. It takes problems and hardship, just to learn and in preparation for it.
A MOM can become a blessing. 

But if one of the spouses in a MOM takes another route, it's quite hopeless and leads to suffering. So it's like you're on the edge of a knife. You know your spouse best. Open and honest communication will tell you a lot.  Therefore it could be sensible to go for couples therapy or something like that. Not to solve a MOM situation (it's doubtful if you find a therapist that really knows/helps), but nevertheless is can be useful to get clarity what your spouse really is about and learn to communicate at deeper levels. (maybe you do already?)

A final remark:

I write from the straight spouse viewpoint, and certainly describe how my wife relates to this and our interaction as well. However, my wife (SamanthaNL) has a single topic in this section of the forum. If you have questions you want to ask her, you'll have to post in her topic. Because this is a straight spouse forum, she is limited to that specific topic and she isn't allowed to post beyond that (other topics). Of course I can represent her, and write what I think she would answer, but it's better you ask her directly. 


     Thread Starter

December 1, 2022 10:55 pm  #54

Re: Happy MOM for 15 years and going (lesbian & str8 man)

Thank you. Your generosity is remarkable, and it continues to humble me.

There is a lot to get through in your reply, so I will take some time with it. I think it says more than what I initially read, so I will go through it carefully and respond soon. 


December 29, 2023 11:56 am  #55

Re: Happy MOM for 15 years and going (lesbian & str8 man)

Hi Dutchman,

I found out three days ago that my husband is gay.  He realized this about himself about 10 days ago.  So this is very fresh and raw for me right now and for him it is a euphoric discovery.  We want to make our marriage work.  We want to beat the odds and come out of the other side as you and your wife have with a stronger marriage than we had before this revelation.  

Thank you for your story of hope.  I need hope right now very much.



December 30, 2023 8:54 am  #56

Re: Happy MOM for 15 years and going (lesbian & str8 man)

Hi Emeraldsong,

I know it's a very difficult time you go through at this moment. With emotions all over the place, desperately trying to get a grip on your thoughts. It's of course unavoidable you have to go through it, it's a shock and your life is hustled, it takes time to find some solid ground beneath your feet again. I hope our story helps you a bit in that direction. (btw. my wife SamanthaNL has a single topic in this section, her account may also be helpful to you).

I recognize the disparity between how your husband feels and what it is to you at the moment. Even when he is (tries to be) supportive, his own discovery is that much in the foreground of his thoughts that he doesn't really understand/feels what you are going through. It makes you feel carrying your own burden alone, even when you both have a positive intention with your relation. Looking back on those early years I'm still somewhat bewildered how it's possible my wife for (an important) part missed what I was going through. Only much much later the penny dropped for her. Maybe I wasn't clear enough back then, too protective of her feelings and absorbing the pain I felt. Then again it was necessary not to come down to hard. It's a complicated balancing act to get forward together and at the same time not sacrifice your own feelings and limits.

However: certainly be loving and empathetic, but draw the line where it shall not be crossed!

Setting limits and be clear about that from the unset is important. Sometimes straight spouses feel pressured to give in, out of a false sense of obligation to be "supportive". Following up to cultural pressure, but maybe also hoping this will rescue the marriage. I think it will only causes damage, and even if it succeeds... the resulting marriage is degraded and twisted to something that isn't worth it. Well, in my opinion it's better to seperate in that situation, and find someone else..
Both spouses have to be on the same page. Wholeheartedly, I would say: by conviction and voluntary choice. That's the base that is explicitly needed.
It has to be well thought through and totally sincere. You'll have difficult times ahead working it out together, this poses more than enough challenges, so it must be very clear that the choice of priority is for each other and the marriage. Approach it as something you both encounter as a team, there will be trouble ahead but both have a common goal. (like you already experienced, the difference in emotional state makes this is no cake walk)

This also emphasizes the importance of the character/personality of the persons involved. The values you both have and share, and how these actually are for real. For example, being christian can be an enormous help and positive force, but is it in the heart or is it just a convenient warm feeling thing? Being Christian should have taught of the meaning of Love, which sometimes could be more like hardship than happy feeling. Though I don't think we'll ever be able to grasp that fully, the basic understanding and acknowledgment of this can make a lot of difference.

At the core a successful MOM is a matter of choice. A choice of free will, a choice made out of love. It's something you BOTH want. Not forced or threatened into, but totally voluntary. Sure, making a choice will mean you don't get some experiences, but other experiences you do get. That's simply the unavoidable consequence of making a choice. When you marry you choose for each other, that rules out a lot of other options. But that is also the essential ingredient and purpose of making that choice. Likewise, when confronted with the MOM situation, the question is (and should be) raised again: what do you choose?
You both may need time to answer this, not indefinite, but give it time enough to think and talk it over. Meanwhile don't take drastic decisions or do experimental things you may regret later. Move slowly, consider, and talk a lot!

For the gay spouse the matter of identity is a paramount thing. Integrating and positioning the discovered sexual preference in the overall identity.
For my wife it was important to see that sexual preference is only an aspect of her identity (among more). Something she HAS, but not something she IS. Sexual preference is not the all defining aspect of her being. Her being a woman, a wife, a mother, a christian, a lover, with her convictions and legacy she wants to convey is, among other things, what actually makes her the person she is. Many higher of these on her priority list than just her sexual preference.
So being and expressing who she authentically is, is not established by acting out on her sexual preference. That would do injustice to who she really is. Then comes the next step: experiencing her sexuality with me does express her identity. The fact that's not her sexual preference is of less importance than the love she shows and experiences. So actually, her real authenticity is expressed in her (sexual) relation with her husband.
The consequence of that was her feelings followed up on this. Enjoying and being fully emotional in it, giving and receiving. 
When we came to that point it was complete, there was no obstacle in our relation. In that regard sexual orientation became a trivial aspect. However, it was a process to come to that. For a long time my wife still held on to her sexual orientation as something that defined her, not to let loose. Our relation had to work around it. 
That way it was blocking progress. I think many MOM's get stuck because of this.
Seeking to define identity by sexual orientation is not helpful for a MOM. She doesn't feel the need to somehow join/mix with the LGBTQ community. My wife is who she is as a individual person. Her identity is not to be defined by some group, and she has no desire to let that change. 
I assume it's clear we don't have anything against LGBTQ people on itself, my wife being lesbian and all  But that's quite different from the need to identifying with the LGBTQ movement/community.

Well, there's so much to tell about it all, feel free to ask questions. If you want to ask my wife something, you'll have to react in her topic (she is not allowed to post in other topics).


Last edited by Dutchman (December 30, 2023 12:29 pm)

     Thread Starter

December 30, 2023 11:02 pm  #57

Re: Happy MOM for 15 years and going (lesbian & str8 man)

Hi Dutchman,

Thank you so much.  My husband and I have been talking and talking and talking.  We are both committed to making our MOM work and work well.   Thank you for reminding me that marriage is all about making a choice and like any choice it then limits the options for the future. That is what essentially marriage is about choosing each other and continuing to choose each other -- even when times get hard.

I know that my husband loves me and chooses to love me.  The friends and family to whom we have chosen to share this with all have reminded me of how much my husband loves me.  They have reminded me and him of the joy that we have in each other as who we are.

Acceptance of each other exactly as we are has always been a core piece of our relationship.  I have never tried to change my husband and I would not want to change him.  If I changed him, he would not be the man I married.  This aspect of him that has come to the surface - to awareness is simply another aspect of him that we need to integrate into our marriage.  

I have also come to the realization that I had become very selfish in our marriage.  I had forgotten to love and cherish him in the ways that he has needed my love and care.  This is my error and I have asked my husband for his forgiveness.  We are already realizing that his being gay may have actually saved our marriage from becoming one of two people living in the same home, but not truly connected with each other.  

Thank you



January 2, 2024 10:07 am  #58

Re: Happy MOM for 15 years and going (lesbian & str8 man)

Hi Emeraldsong

You find yourself in a very different situation in your life. But this situation actually existed longer before. You (both) just weren't aware of it, but the sexual orientation mismatch was the actual hidden cause. Maybe your husband felt off in the intimate aspects... not really into it... maybe you sensed it. But you both couldn't give words to what the problem exactly was, it just developed that way. While the relation on itself felt reasonably friendly and good. It seemed to miss a certain driver. Well, probably the hidden cause for this was the mismatch in sexual orientation. Nobody's fault, but that was simply the thing that wasn't operating the way it was supposed to.

I don't think you should take the blame too much for shortcomings. Maybe you feel you get some control over it that way, if so... I understand. Because then it's something you can work on. But actually: it's really not your fault.
Recent events/revelations turned out to be the explanation, there is nood to no blame either direction. Forgive each other, without putting guilt on yourself or either party. And yes... it all was necessary to come out. Because there was something missing and not okay all along, even if you weren't able to identify it. But now: you both have to deal with it, and... have the opportunity to turn it into something very good and better than it was.

I want to repeat again, you BOTH have to be into that! You, as the straight spouse plays an essential role, your certainly not (!) a bystander looking how your spouse works out his problems. But it won't succeed if the gay spouse isn't willing to do very (hard) work. That is: takes his responsibility for his own life and marriage. Yes... making choices for himself too. His coming to grips with his sexuality and integreating that into your the relation is essential. A healthy happy sexual relation has to be an ingredient of a MOM. It's a bit to fresh and early to go into that in detail, but this is part of it. A MOM is not to be some sort of downgraded marriage. It's complete and full, otherwise you're not done yet.

Some years ago we read the book "The choice, Embrace the possible" of Edith Eger. It's a wonderful book that described the power of making a choice. It expressed so much how we ourselves experienced it. Like: "Yes, in hindsight that's the essence of what we also did". And of course our own situation, albeit very difficult, was peanuts compared to what Edit Eger personally went through. But that only emphasizes the truth of the principle: you allways have a choice.

You can get through it, and on that way you'll both grow in wisdom and love. It can, if you BOTH choose to go that way.
But believe me, it will not be easy and challenge you both. (it's not just on your plate, your husband has his own trials an tribulation he must work out).


Last edited by Dutchman (January 2, 2024 10:26 am)

     Thread Starter

January 4, 2024 2:03 pm  #59

Re: Happy MOM for 15 years and going (lesbian & str8 man)

Hi Dutchman,

Thank you for your response.  

You are correct that over a period of time things started to go very off in our sexual life and it was not a case of either of us being at fault.  It is very good that it has come out.  It is hard, scary, terrifying, but it allows us to build a foundation on the truth of who each of us are in life and in our marriage.  I do believe that this will make our marriage even better and stronger than it was before.  

In the past week, my husband has been more comfortable in his own skin than he ever was before.  We are talking more than ever before about our needs and desires.  Some of the revelations are terrifying because it shakes a belief that I had about him and our relationship.  However, the revelation itself is a good thing because the revelation is the truth.  He is also learning new things about me, because I am suddenly able to open up pieces of me that I have been unable to share.  Some of those pieces are things that I never thought to share.  Some revelations even seem to be new to me.  That is rather scary too. 

I have sent you a personal message about something as well.

Thank you,


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