> To my opinion acceptance is key in a MOM. First of all my wife accepts her own sexuality, doesn't see it as something to repress (that's not the same as not acting out). Secondly I accept her like she is, so she doesn't have to fear being checked (rejected) by me. So she is not repressing and I am not repressing. We can both feel relaxed and free about it.
Very possibly this acceptance and relaxed way, takes the sting out. (while when someone says: "don't look behind you!", makes it near impossible not to).

(I'm getting quite ahead of my reading by asking my question now; I'm only on page three of all you have written. (It was back in May of this year that you pointed me towards these posts. It's taken me until now to be ready to read them through. I am so grateful that I waited, as I have learned so much and gone through so much between then and now that I am able to gain so much more as I read these posts.))

That said, it's a real pressing question in my home right now. While I continue to affirm that I am fully accepting of my husband as being gay, my husband himself can not, at this time, see how not being loved by a man is anything but repression. He feels he needs to have it spelled for him: how can he be a homosexual male with a core desire to be loved by a man, and still choose his wife, this need and desire forever unrequited. He can't see how this is not a life that requires repressing his identity.

I can give more context if needed. Please ask.

Meantime, I will go back to where I was in the story.

Thank you. Your generosity is remarkable, and it continues to humble me.

There is a lot to get through in your reply, so I will take some time with it. I think it says more than what I initially read, so I will go through it carefully and respond soon. 

Hi Emeraldsong,

I know it's a very difficult time you go through at this moment. With emotions all over the place, desperately trying to get a grip on your thoughts. It's of course unavoidable you have to go through it, it's a shock and your life is hustled, it takes time to find some solid ground beneath your feet again. I hope our story helps you a bit in that direction. (btw. my wife SamanthaNL has a single topic in this section, her account may also be helpful to you).

I recognize the disparity between how your husband feels and what it is to you at the moment. Even when he is (tries to be) supportive, his own discovery is that much in the foreground of his thoughts that he doesn't really understand/feels what you are going through. It makes you feel carrying your own burden alone, even when you both have a positive intention with your relation. Looking back on those early years I'm still somewhat bewildered how it's possible my wife for (an important) part missed what I was going through. Only much much later the penny dropped for her. Maybe I wasn't clear enough back then, too protective of her feelings and absorbing the pain I felt. Then again it was necessary not to come down to hard. It's a complicated balancing act to get forward together and at the same time not sacrifice your own feelings and limits.

However: certainly be loving and empathetic, but draw the line where it shall not be crossed!

Setting limits and be clear about that from the unset is important. Sometimes straight spouses feel pressured to give in, out of a false sense of obligation to be "supportive". Following up to cultural pressure, but maybe also hoping this will rescue the marriage. I think it will only causes damage, and even if it succeeds... the resulting marriage is degraded and twisted to something that isn't worth it. Well, in my opinion it's better to seperate in that situation, and find someone else..
Both spouses have to be on the same page. Wholeheartedly, I would say: by conviction and voluntary choice. That's the base that is explicitly needed.
It has to be well thought through and totally sincere. You'll have difficult times ahead working it out together, this poses more than enough challenges, so it must be very clear that the choice of priority is for each other and the marriage. Approach it as something you both encounter as a team, there will be trouble ahead but both have a common goal. (like you already experienced, the difference in emotional state makes this is no cake walk)

This also emphasizes the importance of the character/personality of the persons involved. The values you both have and share, and how these actually are for real. For example, being christian can be an enormous help and positive force, but is it in the heart or is it just a convenient warm feeling thing? Being Christian should have taught of the meaning of Love, which sometimes could be more like hardship than happy feeling. Though I don't think we'll ever be able to grasp that fully, the basic understanding and acknowledgment of this can make a lot of difference.

At the core a successful MOM is a matter of choice. A choice of free will, a choice made out of love. It's something you BOTH want. Not forced or threatened into, but totally voluntary. Sure, making a choice will mean you don't get some experiences, but other experiences you do get. That's simply the unavoidable consequence of making a choice. When you marry you choose for each other, that rules out a lot of other options. But that is also the essential ingredient and purpose of making that choice. Likewise, when confronted with the MOM situation, the question is (and should be) raised again: what do you choose?
You both may need time to answer this, not indefinite, but give it time enough to think and talk it over. Meanwhile don't take drastic decisions or do experimental things you may regret later. Move slowly, consider, and talk a lot!

For the gay spouse the matter of identity is a paramount thing. Integrating and positioning the discovered sexual preference in the overall identity.
For my wife it was important to see that sexual preference is only an aspect of her identity (among more). Something she HAS, but not something she IS. Sexual preference is not the all defining aspect of her being. Her being a woman, a wife, a mother, a christian, a lover, with her convictions and legacy she wants to convey is, among other things, what actually makes her the person she is. Many higher of these on her priority list than just her sexual preference.
So being and expressing who she authentically is, is not established by acting out on her sexual preference. That would do injustice to who she really is. Then comes the next step: experiencing her sexuality with me does express her identity. The fact that's not her sexual preference is of less importance than the love she shows and experiences. So actually, her real authenticity is expressed in her (sexual) relation with her husband.
The consequence of that was her feelings followed up on this. Enjoying and being fully emotional in it, giving and receiving. 
 
When we came to that point it was complete, there was no obstacle in our relation. In that regard sexual orientation became a trivial aspect. However, it was a process to come to that. For a long time my wife still held on to her sexual orientation as something that defined her, not to let loose. Our relation had to work around it. 
That way it was blocking progress. I think many MOM's get stuck because of this.
Seeking to define identity by sexual orientation is not helpful for a MOM. She doesn't feel the need to somehow join/mix with the LGBTQ community. My wife is who she is as a individual person. Her identity is not to be defined by some group, and she has no desire to let that change. 
I assume it's clear we don't have anything against LGBTQ people on itself, my wife being lesbian and all  But that's quite different from the need to identifying with the LGBTQ movement/community.

Well, there's so much to tell about it all, feel free to ask questions. If you want to ask my wife something, you'll have to react in her topic (she is not allowed to post in other topics).

Dutchman.

Last edited by Dutchman (December 30, 2023 12:29 pm)

Hi Emeraldsong

You find yourself in a very different situation in your life. But this situation actually existed longer before. You (both) just weren't aware of it, but the sexual orientation mismatch was the actual hidden cause. Maybe your husband felt off in the intimate aspects... not really into it... maybe you sensed it. But you both couldn't give words to what the problem exactly was, it just developed that way. While the relation on itself felt reasonably friendly and good. It seemed to miss a certain driver. Well, probably the hidden cause for this was the mismatch in sexual orientation. Nobody's fault, but that was simply the thing that wasn't operating the way it was supposed to.

I don't think you should take the blame too much for shortcomings. Maybe you feel you get some control over it that way, if so... I understand. Because then it's something you can work on. But actually: it's really not your fault.
Recent events/revelations turned out to be the explanation, there is nood to no blame either direction. Forgive each other, without putting guilt on yourself or either party. And yes... it all was necessary to come out. Because there was something missing and not okay all along, even if you weren't able to identify it. But now: you both have to deal with it, and... have the opportunity to turn it into something very good and better than it was.

I want to repeat again, you BOTH have to be into that! You, as the straight spouse plays an essential role, your certainly not (!) a bystander looking how your spouse works out his problems. But it won't succeed if the gay spouse isn't willing to do very (hard) work. That is: takes his responsibility for his own life and marriage. Yes... making choices for himself too. His coming to grips with his sexuality and integreating that into your the relation is essential. A healthy happy sexual relation has to be an ingredient of a MOM. It's a bit to fresh and early to go into that in detail, but this is part of it. A MOM is not to be some sort of downgraded marriage. It's complete and full, otherwise you're not done yet.

Some years ago we read the book "The choice, Embrace the possible" of Edith Eger. It's a wonderful book that described the power of making a choice. It expressed so much how we ourselves experienced it. Like: "Yes, in hindsight that's the essence of what we also did". And of course our own situation, albeit very difficult, was peanuts compared to what Edit Eger personally went through. But that only emphasizes the truth of the principle: you allways have a choice.

You can get through it, and on that way you'll both grow in wisdom and love. It can, if you BOTH choose to go that way.
But believe me, it will not be easy and challenge you both. (it's not just on your plate, your husband has his own trials an tribulation he must work out).

Dutchman.

Last edited by Dutchman (January 2, 2024 10:26 am)