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December 1, 2022 7:43 am  #51

Re: Happy MOM for 15 years and going (lesbian & str8 man)

a post to bring the topic on. Because of this remark:

I haven't heard of people in a MOM staying in love and being happy. Does that happen? Is it possible? Or am I hoping for what everyone else hopes for and doesn't find?

So it's more noticable for people searching this info for some time. 


December 1, 2022 3:35 pm  #52

Re: Happy MOM for 15 years and going (lesbian & str8 man)

> To my opinion acceptance is key in a MOM. First of all my wife accepts her own sexuality, doesn't see it as something to repress (that's not the same as not acting out). Secondly I accept her like she is, so she doesn't have to fear being checked (rejected) by me. So she is not repressing and I am not repressing. We can both feel relaxed and free about it.
Very possibly this acceptance and relaxed way, takes the sting out. (while when someone says: "don't look behind you!", makes it near impossible not to).

(I'm getting quite ahead of my reading by asking my question now; I'm only on page three of all you have written. (It was back in May of this year that you pointed me towards these posts. It's taken me until now to be ready to read them through. I am so grateful that I waited, as I have learned so much and gone through so much between then and now that I am able to gain so much more as I read these posts.))

That said, it's a real pressing question in my home right now. While I continue to affirm that I am fully accepting of my husband as being gay, my husband himself can not, at this time, see how not being loved by a man is anything but repression. He feels he needs to have it spelled for him: how can he be a homosexual male with a core desire to be loved by a man, and still choose his wife, this need and desire forever unrequited. He can't see how this is not a life that requires repressing his identity.

I can give more context if needed. Please ask.

Meantime, I will go back to where I was in the story.


December 1, 2022 8:48 pm  #53

Re: Happy MOM for 15 years and going (lesbian & str8 man)


what you both have to work through is quite a lot. Coping with finding yourself in a MOM situation is complicated. For you, and for your husband. Both have to deal with feelings, questions and pain. 
We certainly weren't excluded from that, sometimes it was so very very difficult. Reading your post, I so much understand the predicament you're going through. I just have to close my eyes and think back to those years, and feel the hurt of that situation again.

The only way that I can try to really help you, is by telling our story and how we got to a solution. Providing hope but also knowledge to get to where you want to find yourself. We had to find our way without any guidance or outlook, so I hope it makes a difference in that regard. But it will not avoid the painful experience you both have to go through. It has to go to the real fundaments of love, total acceptance, complete authenticity.
Just "somewhere in the general direction" won't do, it has to be really real and heartfelt. That's what makes the journey so hard, no shortcuts are allowed. (well... you'll probably tried or still try, but it won't work).

It's a joint venture, you both have to go this way. Each with their own specific package of trouble. The straight has other kind of troubles to deal with than the gay has to. And a man has other kind of problems as compared to a woman. One is not harder than the other, it's only different. Each has to cope with their own personal challenge. However, you can (and should) try to understand and support each other, but each has also an individual path to go. Next to the common goal you go for as a team, that aims at getting the marriage to what and where you both want it to be.

The goal of a succesful MOM is not "some lesser than". If anything, a succesful MOM is more than you expected or thought. For when you get through the huge obstacles, you have a relation that goes beyond most marriages, and with a depth that many relations never achieve. And it's not just the relation, but this includes your personal growth as well. But... skip the hardship, you won't get the reward.

I hope your husband also has notion what he's going for in a MOM. After all, it's his choice also I would expect. It's his priority, not denying the troubles he feels.
Well, accepting includes this. However I think that total acceptance (relaxed, no problem, "it's what I feel", "the way I view the world" etc) makes things so much easier. Acceptance of sexual orientation that is at the level of acceptance like everybody else in this world. My wife accepts her sexual orientation, just like I do mine (straight). What I see, feel, and whatever that pops up from my own sexual orientation is no different than hers. So it's indifferent, like accepting the color of your eyes. Like: Who cares? 
There has to be a resolve inside your relation about sexuality, read our story! But self acceptance for the gay, and as straight towards the gay spouse in the relation, it has to be unconditional and unproblematic like this. Plain, uncomplicated, total acceptance of sexual orientation is really fundamental. No... acceptance doesn't imply the necessity of living it out. That is simply not true.
Sexual orientation is not a choice, but whether living it out or not certainly is a choice.

In regard of difficulty making choices I do think that acceptance still plays a mayor role in this. When acceptance is real and at rest, the lure of it doesn't have to be that different as any straight experiences. Everybody experiences attractions and has to deal with it. Having a sexual orientation that is directed at persons of the same sex, is what it is. No supprise there! Even when married to someone of the opposite sex.
Is there still some strange expectation that this anyhow has to be different? If so, stop that nonsense and get real! Same sex attracted is same sex attracted.

The real (actually: theoretical) problem is: what impact has this on your marriage, the (sexual) relation with a person of the opposite sex.
Is the gay spouse willing to cross the emotional bridge? Open the door to his spouse, go out to her and let her in. Deeply so, without holding on to the sexual orientation as inner blockade between them. Maybe out of fear that they will loose their identity and being if they do so. This is no small step, it's a giant leap.

The straight side has to go a different but comparable route. Going against rejection (not being appriciated for what you are). Why in heavens name would and could you do that?... This also takes a giant leap, but of a different kind than the gay spouse has to make.

The power that achieves this is Love. Not a hollywood kind of thing, but choice, conviction, the determied will to go for absolute and objective good. Like: I wan't that, because that is good, Love no matter what.
When that comes from both sides it's like fusion. It overcomes anything and comes together. It's Love at the core, but at the same time discovering and describing it's real meaning.

There is no recipe for this. A couple has to develope and grow towards it. It takes problems and hardship, just to learn and in preparation for it.
A MOM can become a blessing. 

But if one of the spouses in a MOM takes another route, it's quite hopeless and leads to suffering. So it's like you're on the edge of a knife. You know your spouse best. Open and honest communication will tell you a lot.  Therefore it could be sensible to go for couples therapy or something like that. Not to solve a MOM situation (it's doubtful if you find a therapist that really knows/helps), but nevertheless is can be useful to get clarity what your spouse really is about and learn to communicate at deeper levels. (maybe you do already?)

A final remark:

I write from the straight spouse viewpoint, and certainly describe how my wife relates to this and our interaction as well. However, my wife (SamanthaNL) has a single topic in this section of the forum. If you have questions you want to ask her, you'll have to post in her topic. Because this is a straight spouse forum, she is limited to that specific topic and she isn't allowed to post beyond that (other topics). Of course I can represent her, and write what I think she would answer, but it's better you ask her directly. 


     Thread Starter

December 1, 2022 10:55 pm  #54

Re: Happy MOM for 15 years and going (lesbian & str8 man)

Thank you. Your generosity is remarkable, and it continues to humble me.

There is a lot to get through in your reply, so I will take some time with it. I think it says more than what I initially read, so I will go through it carefully and respond soon. 


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