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1 of 1- StraightSpouse1979
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Bigot
My MTF husband actually called me a bigot yesterday. Because I dont accept his choice. Because I said I do not care what anyone chooses to do with their lives as long as it doesnt adversely affect someone else. Meaning, after 20 years together and a almost 6 year old daughter to bring this up without ever discussing it once with me. That makes ME a bigot. The one who got ordained to marry his female cousin with her girlfriend. The one who has an aunt who is a lesbian. ME, I am a bigot because I dont want to hang out with him at the gay bar he goes to with the other MTF who took photos of them and posted all over facebook and him saying things like im falling for those eyes again, and when she said dont make me blush because it makes me think you LIKE LIKE me and his answer was so whats wrong with that but tells ME that they are just JOKING that everyone is that way. i have not ONCE made comments like that on a guys page. That when he tells me she likes guys and i told him her exact comment on a post was i like chicks with shift sticks and I hate to tell you that is you now he again says that him going to these bars are nothing more than what I do with my veteran charity. I help people, I help veterans, HE goes to bars and hangs out with random "women" all the time. The one he went to stay with in Virginia who he claims he would never see again I found out has been up here twice since them to see him. Am I crazy?
Is anyone here from NJ who can answer some child support, alimony, custody questions who may have been through this before?
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Bigot
Mine called me something similar and for the same reasons. They are so self-absorbed and so self-centered; they have no empathy at all for us, and for our shock and grief at the fundamental changes they have introduced into our marriages. It's not bigoted to feel pain and grief and despair when your male partner unilaterally decides he is or wants to be a woman; nor is it "unaccepting" to decide that such a decision on the part of our spouses requires us to end the marriage. I accept my ex-husband's choices. I didn't accept that his choices meant I must stay in the marriage. He didn't accept that there might be consequences for his choices, and one of those might be that I was going to make a choice other than the one he wanted me to make.
I really do believe that in a situation in which our spouses believe they have the right to dictate our choices for us that the only healthy choice we have is to leave. To "accept" we have to leave. We each have our threshold for what gets us to leave. For me it was having my own heterosexuality redefined, denied, and derided, along with the entitlement, lack of empathy, and narcissistic self regard. For you, it seems from what you've written lately that it was realizing that your husband was attracted to other men acting out their fantasy of being women, and seeing him as gay.
- Rob
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Re: Bigot
Ss1979,
You are not a bigot and you are not crazy. Will pm you.
I am not familiar with trans but there are many similarities with the spouses who suddenly decide they are gay. I imagine it to be more horrifying and traumatizing though..
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- MJM017
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Re: Bigot
So not true! You are a kind, gracious woman. This person is goading you into an angry response perhaps to gain the upper hand in a divorce?
Many support boards on difficult, high conflict partners advise to communicate with a STBX through email only AND to respond to only those emails which need an answer. When answering, do BIFF. Be Brief, Informative, Friendly & Firm. I know you know this. I tended to forget when my late ex called me nasty names.
Don’t give him the pleasure of upsetting you. My late GIDXH lived for this so he could slander me behind my back. My GIDX was so angry at being pulled out of the closet.
This MTF husband of yours sounds like he could have strong narcissistic tendencies. Yuck! Disengage from his nonsense. It will deflate his ego and give you the upper hand.
Hugs to you & your child.
Last edited by MJM017 (December 11, 2019 7:49 pm)
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- StraightSpouse1979
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Re: Bigot
Thanks to everyone for your responses. I have all texts saved now and photos of screen shots from this outside activities. I think its the other side now because he has spent years stalking my fb and somehow managing to get my texts i send to other people sent to him etc as he is a computer technition. But now that I can find information on him I dont think he likes that either. But, if it was the other way around and he saw this stuff and i was the one making the comments he would not be too happy about that. It is just humiliating to have someone who does this and has photos put public for everyone to see if they did a simple search of his name. It is like have a little class
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Thread Starter- walkbymyself
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Re: Bigot
MJM017 wrote:
When answering, do BIFF. Be Brief, Informative, Friendly & Firm.
I wish I’d read this a week ago! I can’t deal with my husband at all these days. I’m sure he forwards my responses to his lawyer. I try to tone it down, but my snark creeps in.