Sounds to me as if your wife wants but is unable to bring herself to divorce you (I think you should oblige her).  This may be because she refuses to accept the truth of her sexuality--that she is a lesbian--or because she doesn't have the courage to live that truth.  The affair with the married man--may have been her attempt at an "exit affair," one designed to push you to divorce her.  Notice that she didn't choose a man who was actually available to marry...and if you believe that she carried on an affair for three months and never knew or discovered or suspected that he was married I have a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you.
  
   Many if not most of us here have been married to spouses who would not commit to us, who have when they disclose or when they are exposed say that they wish to continue to be married, or who refuse to initiate divorce even though they tell us they aren't attracted to us.  Many of us if not most of us are blamed by our spouses.  

  It seems to me as if you have heard what your wife has to say, and accepted that whatever her problems, and what they indicate, you have now accepted that she is neither willing nor able to give you the love and reciprocity you want in a marriage--the love and reciprocity required for a good marriage.   I hope that your next step will be to shift your focus from her problems to your own self care.  Your plans should include a visit to a lawyer to inform yourself of the divorce process and how to protect yourself in the lead up to divorce, and in the process.

  

lily wrote:

Hi Davin, great to hear your update - glad you are off the anti-depressants and there is an agreement to divorce.  that's great.  I just don't understand how she can say all those things and still come back and say she's not a lesbian and you are to blame.

When she says she wants a future without you in it, that's like what - she wants to hurt you as much as possible?  The way I see it, it puts a whole question mark over her worthiness for your love.  are you really still feeling it?

all the best lily

I know that she has had no regard for my feelings for quite some time. She used the affair to stab me a thousand times... the betrayal, each lie she told, each deception cut again and a little deeper. She told me that she lied to me so that she wouldn't hurt me as much :-) She wanted to see how far she could go in playing me it seems. I tried to rise above all of this and treat her with dignity, respect, compassion, and love. I tried to be "the bigger person." I tried to empathize with her situation and help her through it all. In the end, all she wanted was to move on to a life without me.

Fortunately for me, I am coming through all of this quite well. I am now able to articulate what I need to be happy, and when I do that, it is clear to both she and me that under no circumstances would she be able to fulfill my needs for love. Moving on, I have the opportunity to potentially meet someone, somewhere, someday... who just might be the loving soulmate I have so longed for. The transition to single life again after 25 years of marriage will be rough, I'm sure. I am resilient and will grow, adapt, and change as needed.

I am focusing on myself going forward -- dedicating myself to making me be the best version of me I can be each and every day and raising the bar daily as well. I am eating healthier and exercising daily -- I've already lost 17 pounds in the past month. I am going to continue being very present and active in my children's lives. I am going to put forth a new and reinvigorated dedication to my work. I plan to do more things to enjoy life each day. I will play more music, I will attend more social functions, I will do more with friends, I will give myself time to enjoy hobbies that I have never been able to pursue. I am going to live my life with an attitude of gratitude and be thankful for all the good things in my life.

If there is karma justice in all this, and the next person I end up being with treats me like I treated my wife, and that is multiplied by a factor of 10x, I am looking forward to an amazing life! If the same applies to my wife, well, I don't think she will fare so well. I can walk away from this with my head held high and a clean conscience.

20/20 is a year of clarity and vision for me. I am looking forward to my new life and all the good things that are to come.

Davin,

So upbeat and positive.  Walk on.

It's the end of the year and I am cleaning out my financial records that I no longer need to save. As I was shredded I came across stuff from the separation and divorce time periods.

One thing that I want to tell everyone here who is planning to divorce or separate is to update your beneficiaries on your life insurance and other accounts where you can name a beneficiary. That includes life insurance and retirement accounts through your employer.

We had children and I found the records from when I removed my husband as the beneficiary and replaced him with our children who were adults by that time. Sometimes people forget and turns out that an ex-spouse comes into a windfall that the deceased probably would have wanted to go to his or her present spouse.

It feels good to physically put the past out of my life.